Cunnilingus. Muff Diving. Eating Out. Dining at the V. Digging into the Snack Box.
Terms that send shivers through the spine. For some, it’s in arousal and anticipation. For others, it’s in awkwardness. Let’s face it, the terminology for giving a woman oral sex just isn’t sexy. MUFF DIVING for crying out loud. Men get ‘blow jobs’ and ‘cock sucking’. We get – ‘cleaning the bins out’.
As women, we either love our partner going down on us or we’re just not that fussed. Why do some women feel uncomfortable at the mention of oral? Is it the spotlight being on us? Is it the message we’ve grown up with, that vaginas are dirty, smelly and where blood comes from and omfg why would you put your mouth there? Or perhaps some of us still have it ingrained into us that sex is primarily for the pleasure of men and women are providing the service? Maybe we’re conditioned to think we’re being too ‘take take take’ if we slam it down on his face, face, face.
Any way, that’s a discussion for another time. But back to what our pesky little brains do to us when it’s time for our fannys to be taken to the carwash. What are you thinking about when he’s trying to remember what he learned from American Pie? Do you have any of these, when your lover goes Downtown to Pootyville?
1. Damn this make out session got heavy quickly. His hands are EVERYWHERE. Ain’t complaining though. His kisses are sending me insane. HE CAN DO BITS WITH HIS TONGUE. I wonder what it’s like when…. oh wait… where’s he going? He’s kissing my tummy. It’s ticklish. Don’t kick him in the face. Don’t kick him in the face. Gah RELAX. But has he spotted my belly button fluff though?
2. Inner thigh now. Y U STOP? Did he just pick a stray pube from his mouth and wipe it on the duvet? DID I MISS ONE? My fucking waxer has let me down again. Dammit Sharon you had ONE VAJ TO HOLLYWOOD. Maybe he just needed to come up for air. Is he comfy? Shall I offer him a pillow? Or move the blanket away? An inflight magazine if he’s planning on the long distance?
3. OK he’s back in the game. Pretty sure he’s been kissing around THAT area for about 42 minutes now. My clit must be poking him in the eye. Just get on with it FFS. How can I politely say, ‘What’s the delay dear?’. Maybe I should just wriggle my hips and headbutt him with it. What’s that called? A Cuntbutt? Alright Danny Dyer, be a bit more ladylike and sexy in this moment plskthx.
4. DOES HE NOT WANT TO? It smells doesn’t it? Can he whiff the discharge? I JUST shit, showered and soaked before he arrived. I smell like a Lush employee. I genuinely put half a bottle of Silky Underwear on my undercarriage in case of this eventuality. Work fanny has struck me again has it?
5. Oh my god. Have I come on? Is that why he’s just teasing? We haven’t even discussed his feelings on period sex. Maybe he doesn’t want ME all up in his beard. Maybe if I pull him on the back of the ears I can let him know it’s ok to release himself from the furry cage. Nope, he’s being stubborn. Is he inspecting a mole? JUST PUT YOUR TONGUE ON IT MATE.
6. Yep there it is. He’s stopped fucking about and going for it. No. Don’t do that. STOP. LOOK AWAY. This is not the angle to be trying to give me eye contact from. All I can see is a wrinkled forehead and a snarling nose with a flicky pokey tongue. YOU’RE A HOT IGUANA and my horny brain can’t compute that image. PLUS all you can see is the top of my head because the rest of me is obstructed by my stomach rolls. DOUBLE CHIN FROM THIS ANGLE FAM. Close your bloody eyes.
7. Right, I can relax now. Both of our eyes are closed. He’s getting into the rhythm. Pretty sure it won’t be long before I cum. But don’t overthink it. You will orgasm. If you don’t, it’s fine. Start grinding yourself on him so he knows it’s on. Yep, it will DEFINITELY HAPPEN. Won’t it? Because it feels good doesn’t it? And you do trust him don’t you? But why aren’t you squirting already? Oh god, I’m in my head now. RELAX DICKHEAD.
8. The pace is picking up now. It’s building. It’s stillll building. WHERE’D IT GO? Erm, excuse me, put your tongue BACK THERE. What the hell do you think you’re doing? You don’t get a rest here buddy, it is NOT THE TIME. Breathe through your nose. This is a sloppy marathon, not a sprint. STOP trying to poke it inside me and get back to what you were doing.
9. I’m having to look at him again now. Yes pal, that’s me evil eyeing you to silently judge your technique and equally terrifying you into going back to what you were doing. Were my ever growing moans and convulsing hips not enough of a clue that that was going well? Do you need me to call you? Stick a post it note on my pubes, saying ‘KEEP IT UP’. Or can you get back with the programme? Ta.
10. He’s got the hint. He’s back snacking on the lunch box and it’s time to cum. Will he hold my hands? GRAB HIS HAIR. Don’t look at me mate, it’ll go. I’m going. Going. And I’m undone. Get a pillow over your face so you don’t have to see him wipe his mouth on your sheets and he doesn’t have to see the contorted sex grimace that you’re pretty sure resembles a gurning raver. Calm the heck down.
Ah. That was nice wasn’t it?
PS, kinda wishing I could just call this post CUNTBUTT.