Welcome to Analyzers Anonymous. A support group for all of you crazy kids who can receive a ‘K. x’ text and assume the world is about to come to an end. If you’re one of the Batshit Bunch, you’ve definitely been through one of these things here.
1. You’re 7. You’re at primary school. A place where the tables are odd shapes, peeling PVA is a past time and friends change quicker than the cast of Eastenders. Your friends begin a game of running away from you every time you try to say something. *automatically assume you smell/you’ve got nits/you accidentally weed yourself again and might have to sit on the chair of shame with paper towels*
2. You’re 12. You’re at secondary school. A place where the tables are as square as your geography teacher. You and you’re motherf*cking clique are tighter than the Kardashians and regularly enjoy sleepovers where you discuss which member of Westlife you’d most like to kiss. Until one of your clan holds a sleepover at their house and you’re not invited. *automatically assume you smell/you’ve got nits/you accidentally weed yourself again and might have to sit on the chair of shame with paper towels*
3. You’re still at Secondary School. You receive a Valentine’s Card from your best friend James. *oh my god, he loves me. Does that mean we’ll have to kiss? What if he wants to go behind the bike sheds? What even happens behind the bike sheds?**throws card away to avoid any awkward conversations*
4. You’re now at college. Look at you, you sassy little minx in your tight top that shows a bit of midriff and baggy jeans. Cady Heron has NOTHING on you. You hear on the grapevine that the Eminem wannabe in your Media class (who you might fancy but looks like a midget Jaap Stam – Google) fancies you. *I can never speak to him or look him in the eye again because I may be in love with him and I need to come up with the perfect ‘Meeting my Future Husband scenario first*
5. You hand in your first piece of A Level coursework and your teacher says, ‘this actually looks good’ and you do that whole thing where you place the emphasis on the word ‘actually’ and think he’s being a sarky arse or on the word ‘looks’ and assume he means that when he eventually reads your essay on why Tim Burton is the greatest auteur ever, he’s going to get some sort of Johnny Depp overload induced headache. I JUST LIKE HIM OK.
6. You’re a grown up now. You’re in an office job. A place where the tables are the wrong height for your back and your best past time is constantly refreshing the Heat website in case they’ve got any gossip on Justin Timberlake. You’re asked to see your boss in her office. *automatically delete every email, all web history and texts you’ve ever sent about work because you’re definitely going to get fired for inappropriate behaviour*
7. You’re Internet dating and talking to 2 guys at once. One keeps telling you how beautiful you are, how they can’t wait to meet and wine and dine you. The other responds to your messages with closed answers and hasn’t asked you any questions about yourself. *what if he knows I’m messaging more than one person because I keep going online on Whatsapp and he thinks I’m a player? I don’t want him to think it’s rolling in but I do want him to think I’m popular and ting* *deletes all dating profiles*
8. You’re texting that guy you like. It’s full of innuendo and you’re being your most hilarious self. Texts are flying every minute or so. Until you’ve had no reply for 7 minutes. HE’S FOUND SOMEONE ELSE. 9 minutes. Maybe my last innuendo grossed him out? He looked at my picture again and realised he doesn’t fancy me, didn’t he? 13 minutes. I’ve said the word ‘fuck’ too many times and he doesn’t like that. 22 minutes. What if he’s dead?
9. The girls at your work all have a Whatsapp group. You heard them speaking about it in the staffroom. The name of the group is ‘The Elephant in the Room’ – that’s me isn’t it? I’m the elephant in the room and they have this group to specifically bitch about me and question every decision I make. Might as well quit now.
10. You’ve been seeing someone for 2 months. You’ve told all of your friends and family you’ve met the one. You’ve bought him tickets to an event in a couple of months time to really lock that shit down. ‘Cept he hasn’t asked you to be his girlfriend. What does this mean? Maybe he doesn’t want me as a girlfriend? What if he assumes we are already BF/GF? What if he already HAS a girlfriend?
I would just like to comment that this list actually makes me look like a paranoid wreck – or is that just me overanalysing?