As I’ve started to dip my toe back into the dating pool, I have become increasingly aware of the nuances of the male dating ritual. And some of it ain’t pretty. You may occasionally find a nugget. The one who texts you first, doesn’t play mind games and is genuinely a nice person. BUT THEY IS SLIM PICKINGS. I only have to speak to my other single friends and blogger whatsapp buddies to have my eyes opened to the kinds of douchebaggery that prevails in this modern dating world. So here are 10 things the fairer sex should just quit.
1. Stop asking me what I would do/wear if you were here. The answer will always be the same. Pizza and lounge pants. What makes you so special that I’d miss a Two for Tuesday?
2. Stop with the unwarranted innuendos. Genuine conversation from my first foray into Tinder…
Me: Yes, as a teacher I probably have given children detention.
Him: What would happen if you put me in detention?
Me: umm, why would I do that?
Him: Because I’ve been naughty.
Me: I’d make you sit there for 20 minutes and think about which school rule you’ve broken and then you’d have to write a reflection log detailing why you wouldn’t make the same infraction again.
Him: I think we’re talking about different types of detention.
3. Stop freaking out. The amount of men who think date 2 is some sort of pre-nuptial-agreement-writing commitment is too damn high. Did we have fun on date 1? Then there should be a date 2. I’m not going to turn up with your name tattooed on my lower back and asking to chat to your Mum so chill the fuck out.
4. Stop getting our hopes up. There’s nothing worse than a cowardly man who gives it all away up front with promises of future dates, declarations of feelings and tenderly intimate moments who then rapidly decides, nah this isn’t the one and goes cold. We’re wearing our big girl panties and genuinely are not going to go psycho if you’re straight with us. We’ve probably got our eye on someone else anyway bbz.
5. Stop being indecisive. There is nothing in the world that is going to make us drop our Boux Avenue 5 for £20 quicker than a man who is all, ‘theatre, drinks, dinner, Saturday.’ Don’t ask us out and then never suggest a time or place. It shows disinterest. We’ve probably got our eye on someone else anyway bbz.
6. Stop holding back. We’ve all met the guys who we KNOW totally dig our shit. They laugh at our jokes, we catch them looking at us when they don’t realise and they’ve definitely already told their Mums about us. So bloody tell us. A man’s favourite catch-all-catchphrase is, ‘it goes without saying.’ IT BLOODY DOES NOT. Is your ego too fragile that you can’t compliment us when we’re looking banging? Are you too scared of looking whipped to tell us you see this going somewhere? If you think we’d grin from ear to ear with how you’re feeling, just bloody tell us.*
7. Stop assuming we’re in love with you. Yes, we may laugh at your jokes, find you devilishly handsome and want to speak to you all the time. But we’re just figuring you out. How do we know what terrible habit you’re hiding? Or how you treated your ex? Whether you tag yourself in at the gym on Facebook or post racist tweets is not apparent after just one date so let us feel you out without assuming you’ve got our shit locked down.
8. Stop calling yourself ‘nice’. Rule 1 of Date Club (apart from that everyone talks about Date Club. In lengthy detail. With screenshots) is that guy who says, ‘I’m a nice guy.’ Will almost always be the guy that Tinder blasts you when you ignore 3 of his messages, berates you on Whatsapp for being a ‘twat’ and calls you, ‘you women…’.
9. Stop rushing to label things. Yes it’s always good to have the ‘are you seeing other people’ talk. But why do men/your friends and families always want to know your intentions? I blame Facebook’s incessant need to define us as, ‘In a relationship’, ‘it’s complicated’ or ‘single’ to blame. What if it’s none of those. Who knows what the future holds when you’re seeing someone you really like. One day you could be in complete bliss and the next they discovered you went to prom dressed as Stephanie McMahon and not want to take things further.
10. Stop being a dick. We just don’t have time for you if you’re not going to treat us like the Queens that we are.
*unless you’re creepy Steve, the paramedic who we politely declined a date with because of your tendency to belittle the women in your life and the fact your chat is so mundane. We don’t need to hear about your feelings, OK boo?