This week a few of my friends have suffered a range of heartbreaks. From ghosters to cheaters to just plain old being binned emoji. Screenshots and analysis has been done to death via Whatsapp. All with the same questions in our minds… Why doesn’t he like me? Well there’s one resounding answer – he’s not the one. Which led me to think about what behaviours ‘The One’ just wouldn’t exhibit.
Sunday Brunch *is* the one.
The One wouldn’t…
1. Ghost. There’s a reason ‘Prince Charming’ has been drilled into us as the epitome of a dream man since childhood – in all of those stories, he’s a hero, not a coward. He rides into town and saves the princess or slays the terrifying dragon. He does not stop texting after 3 dates or leave yours after a weekend of sexy bliss and ride off into an abyss.
2. Cheat. You think it would go without saying but so many of us (including myself) have accepted the lies and disloyalty a cheater presents us with because we’re hoping that they’re The One and it was all just a silly mistake. Pretty sure you’re supposed to be The One’s last kiss and horizontal hugging partner.
3. Browse. Things are going well. It’s been 6 weeks. They’ve asked you to be their girlfriend. Your guard is down and you’re ready to let this person know you like them. A lot. Cept they’re not as obsessed with you as they should be because they’ve just swiped your mate on Bumble.
4. Lie. I’m not quite sure that when you talk to your future grandchildren about how you and Pops fell in love, you’d want the conversation to include an anecdote about the time he cancelled a date for ‘family time’ but actually went to party with his friends for the weekend.
5. Take no interest. Ah the joys of a one-sided conversation. There’s nothing more romantic than a guy that doesn’t ask you any questions about you yet you find yourself an expert in his super boring IT job 2 dates in.
6. Be flaky. 2 cancelled dates and you’re out. Ain’t nobody got time for someone that’s going to repeatedly cancel on you. Unfortunately they just can’t be all that interested. Unless they’re hugely forgetful and unorganised which isn’t that great an option either.
7. Be shit in bed. If you can’t imagine yourself 25 years down the line looking at the same, sad old penis or still enjoying JUST MISSIONARY BECAUSE THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN CUM, then it’s probs not going to last. Like his erection.
8. Hate your family. I can’t imagine someone being the one if upon first meeting, they decide to embarrass your sister about her sex life and insult your Dad. But that happened to a friend of mine! Probably not going to be a harmonious wedding there I’m guessing.
9. Bore you. If you find yourself switching off during conversations about their favourite festival or wondering what sort of sorts are on Tinder at the moment, then chances are your possible ‘One’ is boring you.
10. Not commit. If your love is still umming and aaahing over making things offish after a few months, I am going to bet my Mac collection they are not the one. If they are, they’d be bursting to lock your shit down instead of sending those incredibly mind fucky texts and leaving you feeling insecure.
And anyway, Karen from Will and Grace said it best.
‘Oh honey, of course he’s the one, how else do you get to the two and the three?’