The Blob. Your Period. Aunty Flow’s visit. Painting the town red. Menstruation. Shark Week. All terms for the time that usually lasts 2-5 days which brings an odd haze over the lives of many women. Some of us lucky ladies let this period pass without as much as a whimper. For others it’s a time where we question EVERYTHING not exclusive to, ‘would I rather die than have 5 more minutes of these cramps’, or ‘can I eat another whole bar of Galaxy?’ So here I will discuss the things most of us think when we’re on our period.
- I’ve been caught short AGAIN. Some of us have been having periods for longer than we haven’t been having them. However there are times (much too often than we care to admit) where it catches us off guard. Normally when we’re wearing white bottoms or going commando. We will inevitably not be carrying sanitary materials but we will most definitely begrudge paying £1.50 for one Tampax in the public restroom and go around begging our more prepared co-workers.
- WHY DID I JUST PUT ON WHITE SHEETS. It’s like the Period Law. As soon as you’ve bought that fresh set of Primark sheets you’re guaranteed to come on. Hands up if you’ve perfected the perfect ‘side sleep’ where you wake up with a dead AF hip just so your nether regions don’t make contact with your brand new £6 sheet.
- Ugh I planned on sex tonight. Now a lot of us do not like period sex. Either it’s because you feel gross when you’re on or perhaps your partner doesn’t want to go there when you’re on. Whatever the situation, coming on always interrupts the intercourse course. If you’re down for a bit of bloody-banging then all you can think of is the practicalities of bed linen and the inevitable mess.
- When do I dispose of my disposables? Say you are getting jiggy, it’s a huge headache to work out when you extricate your tampon or rip out your pad. It all depends on heaviness of flow. If you can go a few hours with just a bit of spotting, then you might be fine to go without during the build up and impending sesh. If you’re flooding then it takes a lot more strategy. If your choice is tampons, do you whip it out pre or post foreplay? If you go pre, don’t be shocked to find his beard has gone slightly ginger, if it’s post, do you need to make him aware of the string? What should he do? Hold it up, like he holds your hair when you’re going down on him? And sanitary towels are a rustly nightmare. He tries to touch you through your knickers and there’s a pad of protection in the way. It’s best to fling this away immediately.
- How do I tuck this bloated belly into my waistband? Like seriously, when did I triple my weight? Only yesterday I was staring at my reflection in the shop window and thinking ‘DAMN if I just squint my left eye I almost have Khloe Kardashian’s stomach,’ how does it suddenly extend 3 feet in front of me like a pale orangutan?
- What is that smell? Is it my fucking armpit? Jesus Christ we can whip up a stink when we’re on. I don’t know if it’s because our body is overheating or we’re so worked up from hating everyone and everything but we seem to expel a lot more odour at this time of the month.
- Has something died inside me? Literally has a demon crawled into my uterus, lost his shit and decided to stay here? Cramps are the ACTUAL worst. For sometimes an ENTIRE DAY, it can feel like your body is beating you up from the inside. Don’t even think about showing me a meme that tells me to crawl under a duvet with a hot chocolate and a hot water bottle because SOME OF US HAVE WORK. Some of us have to be on our feet for 8 full hours, concentrating, speaking to people and being professional all whilst our body is ripping itself apart.
- Why is everyone pissing me off? That woman took my coffee order 7 and a half minutes ago and my train is in 2 minutes, why is she mugging me off? That idiot at work left the printer out of paper and now I have to walk down 4 flights of stairs with the Cramps of Death to get more paper. And don’t even get me started about that guy who hasn’t text me back for 4 hours. When he does finally resurface, I’m going to have to tell him about himself. Prick.
- How did I make everyone hate me suddenly? I know it may sound dramatic but for my 5 days of bleeding, I am CONVINCED the world is against me. If a conversation hushes when I walk in the room, they were definitely talking about how I smell and how I have a period leak on my jeans. If a guy I was dating suddenly starts texting less it’s because he’s definitely about to ghost for good.
- Why does my face suddenly resemble a pepperoni pizza? We go through a heck of a lot on our periods from pain to emotional trauma and hormonal flare ups all over the shop. But there is NOTHING that is more pesky than a bleeding breakout. One day your face is glowing like you dunked it into a Anastasia Beverly Hills Glow Kit and within 0.2 seconds of that first trickle of blood seeping into your sanny pad you could do a dot to dot from your chin to your forehead.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO US? We’re good people. Why do these bad things happen to us good people?