I have a date today. It’s my first proper, ‘not just murder documentaries and chill,’ date in FOREVER. Like all my other first dates, I have a certain thought process I go through in the immediate build up. Like all my other blog posts, I feel the need to overshare with you.
1. Do I ACTUALLY fancy him. As soon as a date is locked down, I automatically check his dating app profile again to see if I definitely fancy him. Normally this is where I begin questioning everything. Why is his 4th picture so blurry? Did he put his Uber rating? Has he made me laugh yet?
2. Is he giving me enough attention? In the run up, I do appreciate a constant stream of texts, preferably stating how excited they are for the date. If my date starts going quiet, my excitement for the impending date starts to dampen. I have Dating Attention Deficit, something I’ll post about soon. COMPLIMENT ME CONSTANTLY KNOBHEAD.
3. Have we locked down a day and time? If the guy is vague about what you’re going to be doing on the date, it’s generally not going to happen or not going to go well. Waiting until the day before to settle on a time and place to meet gives me palpitations and I’ll then probably just send him the bin emoji.
4. Is the date decent? Asking to come to my endz and go to my local is just his way of saying ‘let’s be near your house so we can go home and bang,’ and I’m not about that life. Even if it’s just drinks, think of somewhere new and fun or think of me whilst listening to Adele on your lonesome fuckboy.
5. Do I defuzz? As much as my intentions are not to give it all up, up front, occasionally a cocktail or 6 will go straight to my bits and I’ll start thinking a pre surname swapping boffing is a good idea. If I leave my lady garden in a state, I know I won’t be tempted but it’s ALWAYS A RISK.
6. What do I wear? My go to date outfit is an a line skirt, top tucked in, tights and ankle boots but as it’s been summer, I’d look ridiculous so cue a HOW CAN I LOOK SEXY WITHOUT COLLECTING UNDERBOOB SWEAT meltdown,
7. Lipstick or nah? I go back to thought one and decide how much I fancy my date and whether or not a drunken smooch is on the horizon. If it’s a day date, NOT A CHANCE. Soberness and the harsh daylight is not my friend yo. Honestly, I have 2 date lipsticks. Not a snog? Mac Lady Danger. Possible tongue action? Mac Modesty.
8. How bothered am I? If it’s a weekday date I go down one of 2 avenues. If I’m subconsciously not bothered about him, I tend to think I can just get ready in 30 minutes, scurf my hair up and just do 1 coat of mascara however if I’m looking to really impress I know full pre date pamper routine needs to be put into action the minute I get in from work.
9. Am I excited? If a solo evening of chips and mushy peas with 3 episodes of Ex on the Beach catch up feels more appealing than the effort going out, I’ll start thinking of how I can get out of it. Which illness can I say I have that doesn’t sound too gross? However if I’m starting to get the belly bubbles, I’ll revel in the getting ready process, stick on my sassiest playlist and get into a great mood.
10. Oh fuck, will he fancy me? Just as I’m sat on my train, with Fergie blasting in my ear phones and the nervousness kicking in, a horrible thought always creeps in my head.
What if he turns up, sees me and leaves? I question everything about my outfit, my profile pictures (he’ll see my 3 chins sans catfish filter) and my chat (I’ve already told him my John Wayne joke). Then I text every single one of my whatsapp groups, they tell me I’m fierce and he’d be an idiot not to fancy me and all is right in the world again.
What’s your pre date thought process?