Coping With Aging

Aging is like the Game of Thrones finale. Everyone loses their shit over it and then waits another year to lose their shit again…

Vix Aging 31

Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, that’s right gang, today I turn 31.

Last year, my thirtieth year was big, life-changing, humbling, satisfying and empty. It was the happiest and the saddest. It had the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. You see, last year, the year I moved out to a great new flat, my blog started going somewhere and my love and social life was the best it had been in years, was also the year I lost my Mum. It felt wrong and right all at once to celebrate turning 30. Yay, I’ve made it to proper adulthood. The kind of adulthood that you used to watch in ‘Friends’, ‘Sex and The City’ and ‘Will and Grace’ without ever imagining yourself ACTUALLY getting there. But how could I feel ‘yay’ about hitting, what some say, is the prime of a woman’s life without the most import woman in my life being there?

Stopping Time

Time almost suspended itself last year. Grief will do that to you. So will being so goddamn busy every day that on one breath in, it’s Monday morning and you’re not exhaling again until Sunday.

Another thing that stops time is happiness. Since turning 30 and up until now, for the most part, I’ve really lived every day. I won a blog award and was nominated for more. I began a course at university on Special Needs Education. Holidays in Florida, where I ticked Wrestlemania off my bucket list. Edinburgh where Fringe got knocked off and Vegas again recently, that continued a tradition. Appearances on TV and Radio, where I discussed my passions confidently were a thing and I was featured in a magazine, newspaper article and an MTV list or two (one, it was one list). From the sound of this paragraph, it appears that this last year has just been me figuratively wanking myself off. But with these highs came lows.

Vix Aging 31

Losing Time

Aging from 30 to 31 came with a decline in my mental health. All of the ‘being strong’ energy I’d saved up so I could convince people I was fine when my Mum had died, had rapidly started to deplete. Y’know, once a year has passed from your parent passing – you can’t really excuse your sadness with, ‘My Mum just died, so…’ and people don’t check in on you as maybe they once did because your Mum didn’t ‘just die recently’. So you are kind of left out there. It’s not raw but it’s not recovered. You don’t have the walls of, ‘be strong or collapse’ around you and surely, you collapse.

Vix Aging 31

Gaining Time

But aging gives you something in these times. Along with grey hairs, bald patches from 29 years of too-tight scrunchies and an oddly sprouting chin hair, aging also brings resolve. Aging brings a voice that tells you, ‘you’re not a child any more Vicky. Adults try and handle their shit.’ When you’re used to having someone who was your sounding board. The someone who you could tell every dating development to. That person who cheerleads for you when you can’t do it yourself. Well when that person goes, you’re now, by default, the adult in charge and you have to handle your own shit. So I tried. During a dark period I went to the GP. He asked my age. He asked how I’d been handling this shit before now. I told him, I hadn’t really.

And so some new leaves got turned. With every ring that carves its way into my trunk (not talking about my calves here guys) a new outlook on life sets in. One that says, ‘you’ve been waiting until you’re an adult to have your life together, you’re an adult now SO WHUT.’ One that reminds you that every day from the age of 14 to 29 you told yourself that you hated yourself but it would be fine because by the time you go to 30, real adulthood, you would’ve grown out of your utter self loathing.

I’m by no means saying I have even an ounce of my life together. But as I age, I can see the ways that it can come together and I’m working towards them rather than dreaming about them like the 14 year old I once was.

Aging

So what does 31 have in store? I never imagined my 30th year would be such a rollercoaster but if this year I can have twice as much of the good and not even half of the bad, I’ll start to see those vines of life pull together.

And already, this morning after turning 31, I’ve watched old TOWIE purely for the GC, caught up on GBBO, eaten left over Pho and brushed my teeth. You could say I’m coping with aging pretty well.

Vix Aging 31

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13 Comments

  1. August 30, 2017 / 7:59 am

    As always beautifully written .. loved reading this post… grief will always take time … time is a healer . You are a strong person Vix. You inspire me. Hope you have a great birthday too.

  2. August 30, 2017 / 8:24 am

    Happy Birthday Vix, such a beautiful post 💕 We’re the same age, and I’ve only just recently starting to feel like I’ve got my life together in some semblance (although still feel like I’m winging it half the time). You are such an inspiration, and deserve the best day, week, month and year.

    Kara xx

  3. August 30, 2017 / 10:30 am

    Aw Vix, this has made me cry like a baby this morning. I’ve never really spoken about it on my social media before but my mum died this New Year’s Eve. Like you said, time has just stopped for me. My son and I stayed at my mum and dads house over Xmas (as we do every year). We usually stay until just after New Years but nearly 9 months later we’re still here. I’m not sure I’m ready to move home yet because once my son goes to bed I’ll have no one to pretend to be strong around. Every day I put on a brave face but the littlest things make me crumble inside, I just miss her so much!!
    Reading this has really made made me want to pull myself together and start getting my life back on track. Oh god, sorry to be such a downer on your birthday!! I hope you have the best day and another amazing year xxx

    Jay / jayxoblogs.com

  4. August 30, 2017 / 10:37 am

    Happy birthday! Beautiful post and as always some hilair lines, ‘wanking myself off’.

    Eleanor
    Elleanorwears.com

  5. August 30, 2017 / 11:14 am

    Firstly, happy birthday!

    Secondly, I think once you realize what an absolute privilege it is to grow old it becomes a lot easier. I’ll be 30 in April and I’ve definitely felt a shift. Maybe it comes with being at the age where you start losing people. In the past, I’ve played up being the young one in certain work situations, or made comments about being old when I’m under 30. It seems silly now because I don’t want to be associated with the tropes of an inexperienced 21-year-old. There’s this weird emphasis on “adulting” with Millennials and I’m over it.

  6. August 30, 2017 / 11:21 am

    Happy birthday, Vix! Hope this year gives you everything you want, both physically and emotionally – you deserve it x

  7. August 30, 2017 / 12:05 pm

    Happy birthday! You look amazing, and although that doesn’t help regarding some of the other things that occur as you age, at least you’re killin’ that part.
    And a word of warning from a 34 year old: those chin hairs get worse 😭

  8. August 30, 2017 / 12:42 pm

    You’re so inspiring Vix. Beautifully written post as always, I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for you! Happy birthday xxx

  9. August 30, 2017 / 1:51 pm

    Happy birthday Vix! Aging is a funny old thing, but even though I still have some time to go, I absolutely believe that things start coming together as we age. We become more comfortable with who we are, take less shit and realise what makes us happy. Hope you are having a lovely day lass 🙂 Immy x

    http://www.immymay.com

  10. August 31, 2017 / 6:18 pm

    Beautiful post mate! Big love to you xxx

  11. September 1, 2017 / 10:17 am

    Happy Belated Birthday Vix. This is such a beautifully written honest post, wishing you an incredible year filled with happiness

  12. Emma Harrison
    September 5, 2017 / 1:39 pm

    I adore this post Vix … At 33 I still don’t feel as though I have achieved peak me-ness yet, that I have a lot that I want to do, a lot that I want to sort and a lot that I feel I need to do.

    Maybe 34 will be a better one for me?

    Emma | HarmonyBlaze.co.uk

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