I Miss My Mum

My Mum would've loved Doctor Foster. She would've hated Stacey on Bake Off. She'd be excited to meet Ben and would've told me as soon as his back was turned that, 'he's a bit of you, isn't he?'

She would've loved that I did a stand up show. She'd be calling me to find out how filming with the BBC goes. She would have looked at my new dyed hair and gone, 'Weren't you ginger enough already?'

Vix pink jacket Mum

She would be on the other end of the phone, crying over the children I teach when they have a light bulb moment. She'd be the best person to discuss Louis Theroux's new documentaries with. She'd win £100 at bingo and lend it to me when my card gets stolen for the 4th time.

She would've told all of her bingo friends about my award nominations. She would be excited to see pictures of my classroom when I set it up for the year. She would've been ecstatic when hearing about my trip to Paris.

Vix polka dot top Mum

But the fact of the matter is, she's not here to do any of that.

And I really fucking miss her.

See, for some of you, your Mum is your person. The one who is always just there. Argument with boyf? Call her up. Got made redundant? She'd tell you, 'fuck 'em!'

My Mum was my person.

Lately, I've been dreaming about her a lot.

In those dreams, we have little life catch up chats. I tell her about work, the blog and all about Ben. She doesn't really speak. She stands there and listens. And smiles. And before she says anything, I wake up.

The hardest part of this, is lately I've been waking up and my first thought has been, 'Call Mum and tell her about x' - and then I realise.

I realise my person is no longer here to be my person.

And lately, that's been really fucking hard.

As more and more exciting things are happening for me, the more and more I wish she was here to tell.

It kills me that she will never meet Ben and vice versa. She would've loved how he looks at me and after me and he would've loved her wicked sense of humour and warmth.

She would've been proud of me for bagging him and proud of me for all I've achieved since she's been gone.

But she's not. And the next stage of grief rolls in.

Vix polka dot top Mum

She's not here anymore. I fucking wish more than anything that she was.

The next stage of grief is the one where it's not fresh any more. Your mother hasn't JUST died. You're not the gal who lost her Mum recently. It's not your 'thing' any more.

But the hole remains. Whilst you adapt and the sadness changes shape and size. It still remains.

She's not here to hold. She's not here to love. She's not here to be proud of me. She's not here to look after me. She's not here to listen to me. She's not here to meet him. She's not here to give her amazing advice. She's not here to watch Black Mirror with. She's not here to cook her roast dinners. She's not here to pronounce 'quesadillas', 'squeeders.' She's not here to go to bingo with. She's not here to tell me my hair looks nice. She's not here to tell me not to be a knob to Ben as he's definitely a keeper.

Photos by Kaye.

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29 Comments

  1. October 25, 2017 / 5:21 pm

    In less than 4 weeks I hit the first anniversary of my Mum’s death, and I’m dreading it. I’m mainly dreading it because I feel like anything before that milestone is acceptable for the grief to still be prevalent. Like people will accept it more because “Oh well her Mum died less than a year ago.” Afterwards though, I feel like people are just going to expect me to just get on with my life like it’s normal. Like you say, it’s not my “thing” anymore. To me it is though, and always will be. My Mum was my biggest cheer leader throughout my life, even when we had our fall outs sometimes, and it’s tough treading through this life without her now. For me, that loss is still raw, and I don’t know how long it’s going to take until it feels less so.

    Basically what I’m trying to say is, I gets you!

    Sending you love x

  2. Abby james
    October 25, 2017 / 5:40 pm

    🙁 I know what you’re going through. It’s been a little more than a year for me. This blog post really got me. People forget that you’re still dealing with the loss. I’ve started a new job and I can’t talk to my mum about it. I can’t tell her about the new people and they don’t get to hear about her in the way I’d always talk about her. I want them to hear me say that we are meeting up for a hot chocolate or about our movie nights on a Friday. But all they get to hear is ‘was’ and ‘did’ and ‘used to’.
    There are so many things I want to tell her. And ask her. So many things I know she’ll miss.
    Reading this has helped because I know you feel what I feel and in a way it’s comforting, like we are going through this at the same time. So thank you!

  3. October 25, 2017 / 6:41 pm

    😥 I just want to give you a huge hug,your mum would of been very proud of you and all that’s happened.Im sure where ever she is,she is bursting with happiness for you.She sounds like a legend,something i’ve never had.Life’s just shit!

  4. October 25, 2017 / 7:36 pm

    Straight in the feels!!
    I lost my mother at the beginning of the year and found myself nodding along to this whole post (except the bingo & Ben part – mine didn’t play bingo and I don’t have a Ben haha) with tears in my eyes. I don’t know you, nor did I know your mum (who sounds wonderful, FYI) but there’s no doubt in my mind that she’s out there somewhere, smiling at you, so proud of you and all you’ve done and are continuing to do. You’re an inspiration. And, quite frankly, you’re also funny as #%$&

  5. October 25, 2017 / 7:45 pm

    Oh wow, this was quite an emotional read for me. I lost my mum five years ago and I miss her desperately as well. I related so much to what you said, there’s such a heartbreaking void without her, whether its simple stuff like watching TV together or calling her up to chat, to important things meeting your boyfriend or seeing your achievements. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you lots of love xx

  6. October 25, 2017 / 9:45 pm

    Loved this post Vix. Your Mum would have been so proud of everything you’ve achieved 🙂

    Obviously it’s not the same thing as losing your mum but I lost my best friend to cancer a couple of years back and I totally get what you mean about moving into a different stage of grief. I dont cry any more, but there are so many moments day to day where I want to call her and talk to her about stupid little everyday things.

  7. October 25, 2017 / 10:26 pm

    This is probably the bravest most beautiful thing you have ever written, and yes I may be old and old fashioned but I believe your Mum IS proud of you every single day.

  8. Kristen
    October 25, 2017 / 11:12 pm

    Thank you for this post.

    It’s been 4 months for me and I felt every word of this post with my heart and soul x

  9. October 25, 2017 / 11:50 pm

    Oh Vix, what a heartbreaking post. Your mum sounds ace and it’s things like this that makes me realise just how important it is for me to be a good mum, the best mum possible to my son. Sending you lots of love xxxx <3

  10. October 26, 2017 / 6:36 am

    I can’t even imagine how you are feeling, Vix. Your mum would be SO proud of everything that you’re doing.

    Sarah x

  11. October 26, 2017 / 7:27 am

    You’re breaking my heart you dickhead. Power to you, Vix. I can’t imagine the pain, thinking of you x

  12. October 26, 2017 / 8:15 am

    Sending all the love to you Vix, I understand the feeling that with every significant life stage comes a fresh wave of grief that they’re not there to see it. But you’re strong and I’m sure she would have had the confidence in the woman she raised that you’d do good and create happiness for yourself xxx

  13. October 26, 2017 / 9:21 am

    God this one hit me hard! You’re so brave for posting something so personal and raw but it really humbled me and made me appreciate all the people in my life that are still around

  14. Lauren
    October 26, 2017 / 10:10 am

    Just sending lots of love <3 <3

  15. October 26, 2017 / 10:18 am

    Oh, bless you, Vix. Sending lots of virtual love in the hope it’ll comfort, somehow, in some small way. My husband lost his mum last year but I think the grief is only now hitting him. When it had just happened, his main focus was on sorting things out and looking after his dad but now I think it’s his time to grieve. If you have any tips at all about what you would want to hear at this stage in t e grieving process, I would be extremely grateful. Take care x

  16. October 26, 2017 / 10:43 am

    Sending you all the love. I miss my Dad every single bloody day. People says it gets easier with time, it doesn’t, your feelings just become more “manageable”. I just talk out loud to him, knowing he is all around me. Your mum will be so proud of you love. BIG HUGS. xoxo

  17. Shiana
    October 26, 2017 / 10:57 am

    This post made me cry, your Mum would be so god damn proud of you, sending so many hugs, this was written so beautifully.

    Shiana xxx | shianajarvis.com

  18. October 26, 2017 / 12:49 pm

    I have all these feelings around losing my Dad. Things like holidays where he wanted to know the ins and outs of everything we’d seen, done and eaten. We moved house this year and it bothers me that he doesn’t know where I live now, like, if there was anyway for him to come back, he wouldn’t know where to find me.

    Beautifully written. I’m really sorry for your loss. x

  19. October 26, 2017 / 1:01 pm

    Oh Vix this is so beautifully written and bare. I couldn’t begin to imagine how you feel but remember she’s looking over you and always will be.
    Emily-May x

  20. Kirsteen O
    October 26, 2017 / 2:27 pm

    I know how this feels, you’re not alone. I lost my mum when I was 23 since then I’ve changed job, been engaged/now married and bought my first house. I’m now 28 and continue to think of what she would of thought about what I’m doing in life. It’s the silly things that mostly get me, she loved greys anatomy but will never see the end. She would have loved grandchildren and would have been great at being a Gran. She’d of told me off for not inviting certain people to my wedding and I’d of invited them in the end. It’s the things in life that she’ll miss that make miss her more. X

  21. October 26, 2017 / 3:11 pm

    Oh wow. I know this isn’t recent but I am so sorry that you have had to know such pain and loss. I had a lump in my throat reading that, my eyes were filling up, that was just me as an outsider reading a little of how you feel.
    You’re such an amazing and inspiring person to be who you are despite all you go through.
    Your Mum sounds like a wonderful person.

  22. October 26, 2017 / 3:25 pm

    I lost my mum 3 months ago and I’ve written about it lots … it’s my way of getting through.
    A lot of what you said I was sat nodding my head.
    So sorry for your loss, nobody can replace your Mum xx

  23. October 26, 2017 / 4:07 pm

    Those sound like lovely dreams. I lost my mother too and never stop missing her. Thinking of you.

  24. October 26, 2017 / 4:07 pm

    This was so beautiful, I’m sitting here at work bawling my eyes out. Both my parents had health scares late last year and it made me realise how little time I actually spent with them (we live about 70 miles apart). Since then I’ve been seeing them a lot more, trying to create happy moments and memories of them I can hold onto forever.
    I can’t begin to imagine how awful losing your mum was, but I’m sending you all the love and strength in the world xxx

  25. October 26, 2017 / 8:39 pm

    Beautiful post, Vix. I can imagine she would be so super proud of everything you’ve achieved. Lots of love. xo

  26. October 26, 2017 / 11:41 pm

    Oh my! This is my first visit to your blog and I have just read this, and bawled, and felt your pain. Im sorry. I cant say anything more comforting. I am lucky I still have my Mum and Its a beautiful thing, that you loved your Mum so much that you miss her so deeply, this I do understand. The love for our mum. My Mum and my husband are my person, and my husband is battling cancer at the moment, so I understand that fear. That deep, crippling fear of losing your person. This is a beautiful post, (Im sorry for the long reply) and I wish you strength and peace. Oh and maybe your Mum sent your “keeper”. Just a thought xxx

  27. October 27, 2017 / 9:08 am

    Beautifully written! I’ve never experienced such a great loss (apart from grandparents which was bad enough) but I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. I do know that your mum is extremely proud of you and is watching over you telling everyone – hey, that’s my daughter…isn’t she wonderful!!!
    Em x
    http://happywiseowl.com

  28. October 30, 2017 / 5:40 pm

    You write so, so beautifully. This post made me cry and it sounds as though your Mum was such a character. It’s nice when we have those funny little things our loved ones used to say to hang onto and play in our minds when we know they would have said them over certain moments. I’m sure she’s extremely proud of you right now. Thinking of you and sending you lots of love <3 x x
    Ellis // http://www.elliswoolley.co.uk

  29. October 31, 2017 / 5:27 pm

    This post made me tear up. Sending you all the love in the world vix xxx

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