As I travelled on the coach to Manchester to see my friend Amy, with Liberty X playing through my headphones and my Alan Partridge book on my lap, I stared out of the window thinking about all of the things we had to catch up on. Amy is fascinated with my blog stuff and would want to hear about the magazine feature, the books, the MTV list, the events and all of the other exciting things happening at the moment.
At this moment of reflection, one thought crept into my head. What if it all ended? It’s a weird one to comprehend. Blogging has been around far longer than when I started mine in 2014 and will probably continue on for a long time, in some form.
Luckily, and without wanting to be boastful, people seem to be enjoying what I’m doing at the moment. Lots of you lovely lot comment, share, RT and support my various ventures. Well, you do at the moment.
But what if you get sick of my shit?
What if there’s only so many posts on blowjobs I can write? What if brands don’t want to work with me? What if my books never materialise? What if my dating events tank? What if I stop getting retweeted and people just generally stop engaging with me?
Where do I go and what do I do?
Genuinely, blogging has opened me up to a world of happiness I never knew possible. Maybe it’s the narcissist in me that enjoys people telling me they like me or what I produce. Something about me not getting enough attention as a child. Or maybe it’s that I get to spill out my stupid thoughts into a platform and get a kick out of the fact I’m not alone. A feeling I have always felt. Alone. Not in blogging. Maybe my happiness is derived from all of the amazing friends I’ve gained through blogging. Maybe it’s that I get a delivery of Krispy Kremes and Diet Coke to my work every now and then. Whatever the source of my happiness – blogging is the cause.
But what if it all ends?
I have a career offline. And friends. And I can buy stuff. And I’ll still date. And I’ll still go on Tinder even if I’m not #VixSwiping but there will, without a doubt, be a massive hole where blogging used to be.
Since the end of last year I’ve felt totally on the cusp of something good. Of an opportunity or a further success. But it hasn’t come yet. And perhaps the anxiety over it not happening ‘yet’ has made me worry it won’t happen ‘ever’.
However, I need to remind myself that I’m doing what I love. And I’m chatting to people who I love. If good things happen, then AMAZING. If they don’t, ah well. For someone who is deluded, like I am, that big things will happen in my life, that’s a hard pill to swallow BUT I can’t keep worrying about what will happen if it all ends because then I’ll stop being me and eventually it will.