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10 Thoughts Everyone Has During A Blowjob

One thing I hate the most about sex blogs and articles is the patronising tone of telling you how you should do things. If you can’t put your knees behind your ears or spin around on your lover’s cock at 473 revolutions a minute, you’re made to feel like crap.

There are no ’10 things you should do during a blowjob’ because like snowflakes which are beautifully crafted and can often leave you feeling cold – cocks and their owners, come in all shapes and sizes, desires and needs.

But I beg to argue there are a million thoughts that go through our heads when we’re giving head. I’ve collated ten of them.

1. Did men not get the memo about a button fly? How am I supposed to free this caged member from its complicated denim cage with one hand whilst the other is caressing their stomach hair? I do not want to be the girl who sat up, turned the light on and put her glasses on to fiddle with buttons stiffer than his angry erection.

2. Is that his hand behind my head? Mate, don’t even THINK about grabbing my hair and pushing me down on to your penis. I don’t need a Sat Nav. I’ve already travelled down the Abs Highway and turned left on Groin Grove, I’ll cruise up the Cock De Sac when I’m good and ready ta.

3. Right, he moans when I nibble his thighs AND when I kiss his balls AND when I lick the shaft. WHERE SHALL I FOCUS? I don’t quite want to take full length just yet, but what if I spend too long dilly dallying around the area that he starts wishing he’d brought the other girl home from the bar instead?

4. LOOK SEXY. He’s looking down on me. Wiggle my bum in the air and look at him the magazines say. But his eyes are closed – does he not want to look at me? Also, remember if I move to his side so he can play with my bits, he will see my stomach and tits swinging low like a sweet chariot but don’t freak out. OWN IT.

5. This isn’t comfy. Do I prop myself up with one hand and use one on him? Or just use mouth and use both hands to prop myself up? I have the upper body strength of a tired baby, how long is it before I fall and impale myself on him?

6. Is he going soft? Fuck what did I do wrong? He’s been breathing heavily and swearing in delight? Did I accidentally brush him with my teeth? Did I alter my stroke too quickly? Noooo I can feel it wiltering like the sad spinach I include in my dinner to be more healthy. I was going to town on a Fab and now I’m trying to recover a melting ice cream. HALP.

7. Tongue flicking over head, check. Hand twisting up and down. Check. Other hand teasing the butt hole. Check. This is a GREAT RHYTHM… Get faster. Match his breathing. Virtually sure I’m going about 12 miles an hour…please nut soon, please nut soon, please nut soon. Shit, I’m running out of breath. Breathe through your nose. Am I going blue? I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS MUCH CARDIO. This has been 14 goddamn minutes and I’m not confident my jaw hasn’t locked into place. CUM.

8. Yeeeep that’s a pube at the back of my throat. TREAD CAREFULLY. If I break the rhythm to retract it, he might notice, feel embarrassed or he could get distracted. But if I start hacking like a cat bringing up a hair ball, he’s going to be annoyed. So just take a breath, bury my head in his scrotum so he can’t see me picking it out and rub him for a bit. Smoooooth.

9. Shall I spit on it? Literally the ONLY time you’ll ever ask yourself that question unless you’re making food for that bitch Sheila in the office. KIDDING (Soz Sheila). But seriously, my hands are starting to dry and I could light a fire if I carry on. How do you do it sexily though? Build up a wad and dribble it directly? Or just force out a little bit of spittle. GREAT, WELL DONE, I’ve just gobbed on his stomach. THERE IS NO APPROPRIATE TIME TO PRACTISE THIS SKILL.

10. He’s just given me the, ‘fuck I’m going to cum’ warning. It’s decision time babe. Am I prepared to have it in my mouth or am I skilful enough to direct it to a body part of my choosing? Right, you’ve still got your new ASOS top on so swallowing it is. SUCK IT TO THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT AND DOWN ASAP. Well done, you’ve nailed the equivalent of the biting the head off a Wichity Grub and feeling its insides explode on your tongue Bush Tucker trial and won yourself 10 stars.

Giving head, for its mess, exertion and sometimes uncomfortableness is a wonderfully splendid thing. Like Samantha said, ‘Oh honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing.’

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18 Comments
  • Mike
    January 15, 2017

    A delightful read! I particularly like .6 and .7.
    I do feel really bad for Sheila.

  • Alice
    January 15, 2017

    This is fantastic! I’m howling

  • Liz
    January 15, 2017

    Having been married for many years now unfortunately my thoughts turn to either a shopping list or of the housework I need to do. And I am forever deeply haunted by sex advice I read in a magazine many years ago – being “Don’t forget the testicles!” It’s like a God damn mantra running through my head.

  • Charlotte
    January 15, 2017

    Your blogs forever make me smile Vix!

    Char xo || http://www.memoirsmusings.com

  • Emma
    January 15, 2017

    Yes Vix – I love this post, so funny & so true… Both Paul & I have laughed at this this morning so it’s clearly not just things Women think!

    Emma | HarmonyBlaze.co.uk

  • Tania Michele
    January 15, 2017

    I have never laughed so hard while reading a blog post before ?? Love this! 🙂 Tania Michele xx

  • Howling Dunn
    January 15, 2017

    If a man can’t get his own fly undone, button or otherwise, move on., Vix. Funny post though and your guy, whoever he is, is a lucky one, indeed.

  • Lucy
    January 15, 2017

    Sat on my dinner on this dull and drizzery Sunday and this has just had me in giggles which I have tried to contain in front of everyone! Great as always!

  • Johanna
    January 15, 2017

    I totally get the whole uncomfy thing. Seriously, I’m worried about falling onto him within 2 minutes I’m that weak. But thank God I’m not the only one!

  • Julia
    January 15, 2017

    Yes! This post is hilarious and so true, I particularly enjoyed 5. and 6.

  • Eloise
    January 15, 2017

    You’ve got me cackling aloud in my flat like a nutter. COCK DE SAC! xx

  • Bianca
    January 16, 2017

    Looking like a crazy person in Costa. Nodding in ageeance and laughing like a seal I would clap but I’d drop my phone. Just what I needed today

  • Karina
    January 16, 2017

    I absolutely cried laughing at this post start to finish! Had to stop reading it at work though as I didn’t know quite what to say if someone asked me what I was laughing at! It’s so true though!! X

  • Sarah
    January 17, 2017

    fuck you are the best! i can’t stop laughing!!!

    Sarah | More Than Adored

  • Alice
    January 17, 2017

    Hahahahaha wonderfully awkward to read in the office but that really made me laugh! Alice xxx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

  • Katie Halsall
    January 17, 2017

    They don’t call it a job for nothing, omg haha :’) Laughing so much at all these.

  • Kate
    January 25, 2017

    This post is hilarious and so true!
    I really enjoyed reading it plus it made all my bj thoughts seem normal. Haha.
    That Samantha quote is very accurate
    Kate x
    http://Www.kateiscoveting.wordpress.com

  • Helen
    February 22, 2017

    Absolutely loved this, literally cried with laughter. SO. TRUE.

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