I’ve gone out drinking TWICE this week. I KNOW! Such a rebel. I’ve just felt that with half term approaching, girl needed to drink all the gin.
With that in mind, I started to reminisce over the good ol’ days when I used to spend every Friday AND Saturday night in O’Neills. It was full of youngsters AND live music, OK?
Waking up after a night out after being totally obliterated is always full of regret. Here are 10 things we all think is a super idea pissed but a horribly hazy memory when sober.
1.. Going to the toilet together. There’s something about being 7 Rekorderligs down that turns the ‘poo in privacy’ switch off. You think nothing of standing in a cubicle and watching your mate wipe just so you can carry on chatting about the fit bartender that definitely gave you a free double instead of a single. (Although your bank balance the next day shows otherwise.)
2. Buying all the rounds. Being drunk turns even the tightest of bitches into Bill Gates. You have no qualms over making it rain at the bar. Who wants a shot? Shall we get 2 pitchers of Woo-Woo each? Hey girl I met at the toilet who complimented my dress – want a glass of wine?
3. Talking to strangers. As I’m normally the one in the middle of the dance floor challenging all and sundry to a dance off, teaching the Electric Slide or rapping to Kanye West, I’m normally inundated with opportunities to get chatting to people. One time, this group of lads had brought their recently widowed, 90 year old American Grandpa out (who was wearing a tshirt that said, ‘Fuck bitches, Get money and I was pretty sure he was my soul mate). I taught him the Cha Cha slide and bought him his first Jagerbomb. Care in the community, yeah?
4. Dancing. I’m pretty sure most girls dance moves are solely based on how many units of alcohol they’ve consumed. 1-2 units? The side step, whilst sipping further drinks and hair flipping. 3-4? Getting ‘low’ and slightly more exaggerated booty shakes. 5-6? Jumping to ‘We found Love’ and pretending to be in Little Mix. 7-8? ACTUAL Beyoncé in Crazy in Love. ‘Cept one of your sneaky bitch friends took photos of you and you look a fucking state.
5. Singing. Similar sliding scale to dancing. Alcohol does something to our brains that fully convinces us that everyone on the dance floor wants to be serenaded to a Whitney Houston song even though in reality we’re probably shouting the words and losing breath mid song due to previous dance offs.
6. Meeting men. You know that guy you see on the bus, who gives you ‘the look’ and your stomach turns ever so slightly at the sight of their sovereign ring, smoke stained teeth and neck tattoo. GET OFF WITH THEM WHEN DRUNK. For a long time, men have joked about ‘beer goggles’, well there needs to be a female equivalent. The guys you spend your entire life avoiding are now a very tempting future husband prospect thanks to that 12th Pornstar Martini.
7. Chasing the dragon. I realise this term has drug connotations but it’s just my phrase for ‘staying out longer than is absolutely warranted.’ You’ve had a great time. You’ve kept it classy by getting a good buzz but not getting sloppy. Different people begin leaving and the party is winding down. Until the immortal words, “Shall we go to Viva?” (Generic town centre club) are uttered. Before you know it, you’re being hounded by some douchebag outside the kebabby because he asked for your number and you told him it was 01234 567890.
8. Telling all of your friends the truth. It’s obvious that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and makes you believe there are things that you are allowed to say to people that you absolutely wouldn’t dream of in a normal day. Including telling your soon to be married friend that you hate her husband and she should definitely get off with this incredibly fit guy you’ve found for her. I’ve definitely not done that.
9. Eating the most disgusting food. On any given day, when you’ve got your shit together, you’re more than happy to chow down on a healthy stir fry or cook an amazing roast dinner. Put 2 bottles of Prosecco in you and it’s pizza at 3am central and because you drew out £50 but only spent £30, you can justify getting all the chicken and potato sides. Meh, who am I kidding, I’d do that sober too.
10. Committing terrible beauty sins. Your 30 minute pre-bed/pre-30s ritual that you’ve spent your late twenties perfecting, that has prevented break outs and so far, kept wrinkles at bay goes completely out of the window. If you’re lucky, you use a face wipe when drunk and stare at the goo on it in drunken disgust OR you sleep in smokey eyeshadow and inevitably wake up the next day so hungover that you convince yourself your make up still actually looks decent – why take it off now?
How many of these drunken sins have you committed yourself? What other ideas do we think are amazing during a night out?
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