It’s been a funny old week, one that’s been full of self doubt and pride in myself in equal measure. For every time I’ve had a thought about my (lack of) abilities, a tiny voice has come from somewhere and reassured me that it isn’t all that bad. That you can pretty much turn every negative into a positive. So I thought I’d share that tiny voice with you.
Shit I’m good at:
Let’s start big – marathon running. I mean, I completed it in 11 hours and I wasn’t last. I’m basically a chubby Paula Radcliffe.
Doing the washing up so badly that my housemate has to go through and do it all again. Hey! Our water bill was only like £8 last month, it’s almost a free extra bowl of water.
Getting out of bed with a spring in my step, with an hour to get ready, hair perfectly Caroline Flacked and make up severely on point. This always happens… if it’s 10am…if I’m going on holiday that day… if it’s a Leap Year.
Impressions. I only have to hear someone once or twice to be able to take off their voice and mannerisms. I often have huge groups of friends or colleagues ROFLing at my impromptu sketches. ‘Cept the time my boss walked in and I was mid curtesy/mock of her.*
Body Grooming. I’m hairless from head to toe. Wait no, that’s a weird image but you get what I mean. I’m as clean as a whistle. I NEVER give a guy friction burns in bed when he rolls over and our legs touch or has he ever gone to pick an eyelash from my boob to realise it was a nipple hair. Nuh-uh.
Taking off make up. I have a super strict bedtime beauty regime that absolutely does not involve sitting in bed reading my phone until I fall asleep. ‘Cept that one (thousand) times I’ve walked into school with mascara still down my face after a shower and been asked why I’m crying and through not wanting to sound like a durrty bitch, said that I’d had an argument with the boyf.
Cutting my own hair. The one time I did it was such a success that the local shopkeeper asked why I was wearing a wig. So good it looked artificial! Proud of that.
Looking like a celebrity. Random people have told me on nights out (whilst drunk) or whilst eating or shopping that I look like an array of celebrities: Lindsay Lohan, ‘slimmer Dawn French, Hayley Cropper (yup) and Anna Friel. Such compliments. Much pride.
Being super confident at all times. I virtually never walk down the ‘Corridor of Shame’ at work. That one place where you cross a colleague, say, ‘Good morning, you alright?’ in such a quiet voice that they didn’t hear you and then pass each other and carry on walking for ages in silence.
Being super confident at all times #2. So confident that I go out and make all the fun plans that I really look forward to until the day actually arrives and I’m all like, ‘Shiiit, I’d really just rather stay in and watch Masterchef.’ Because plans are made for flaking right?
*this happened more than once. No I don’t know how I still have a job.