Sexting is an absolute art form. Just like witnessing Kanye West, it can leave a feeling of euphoria in you for days OR can leave you massively cringed out after witnessing a 24 hour long Twitter rant.
Cupcakes – another art form that can be delicious or make you sick after too much.
Look, I’m not here to blow my own trumpet BUT you don’t get called the Stephen Fry of sexting* without being bloody good at it.
Urban Dictionary defines sexting as, ‘the act of text messaging someone in the hopes of having a sexual encounter with them later; initially casual, transitioning into highly suggestive and even sexually explicit’ and it’s something that either sends the fear of God into you OR is an entertaining way to spend a lonely Friday evening.
But there are some serious pit falls in this dangerous realm so, with encouragement from my gal pals, I thought I’d share my dos and donts.
DO sext people you really fancy.
DON’T sext that guy that looks like a foot because when he starts describing what he’s going to do to your lady bits, you will feel like you want to be a little bit sick.
DO use your words wisely. Well placed swear words can add a sense of naughtiness.
DON’T use emojis. The only thing I want to do to an aubergine is stick it in a Moussaka.
DO get into the moment.
DON’T have high expectations. Either you’re sexting as a build up to meeting up or perhaps you’ve already met and it’s the anticipation of Marvin Gaye and getting it on, that forces your digits to type out filth BUT don’t expect that what’s said via text is actually going to happen. In my experience, you’re either doing it because you’re horny and want a bit of fun OR you do finally meet up and they’re not quite as flexible with their appendages as they profess.
DO be descriptive. Imagine you’re writing a set of sexy instructions. Saying, ‘then I take out your cock’ is not as dreamy as describing exactly how you’d find your way to their crotch.
DON’T use the following words. Horny, moist, soaking, spurt or quiver. Instant buzz kill.
DO leave autocorrect on. Actual sext mistakes I’ve seen:
‘Lick your puffy’ MY PUFFY WHAT
‘Ride your dock’
‘Rub your cult’
‘Eat your No Country for Old Men’ don’t ask.
DON’T get offended. People make mistakes. Saying they want to jiggle your ass does not mean they think it’s fat.
DO it. If you want to. If someone is sending you unsolicited sauce, it’s perfectly fine to verbally punch them in the crotch if they keep pushing it.
DON’T do it if you don’t want to. Don’t feel like you have to keep someone interested just because they’re clearly after some textual flirtation. If they like you, they’ll appreciate that it’s not your thing and back off.
If you are going to sext, make sure you treat it like the literary art form it is and take super care of what you’re doing. Almost like in real sex.
*Me. I named myself that.