Soz but if you’re a self righteous, ‘I do it for pure enjoyment,’ style blogger GTFO now because this post will not be relatable to you. For the rest of us, that crave the glory 11+ Insta likes provides us, you gon’ understand.
Photo credit: Caitlin
1. Every blogger has an amount of page views per day they believe is ‘big time’. Mine is 2k. Previously, I have NEVER had that many. Then the ‘Sluts’ post happened. 1k in a few hours and over 2k in just one day. NGL, felt like Kim Kardashian. The problem though? Every day that brings in ‘only’ 300 views is basically a write off and OMFG why am I even leaving bed, I’m Jonathan Cheban.
2. Waiting for the Moz update to come round is, I imagine, what if feels like to collect your pension as a Senior Citizen. The wait seems like ages but then the day arrives and MAKE THE DA RAIN. But not always because Moz can taketh just as it can giveth.
3. Being recognised out and about for your blog makes you the most self entitled/important prick going- in your own head. You fully start to believe your own hype and can’t actually believe that you ‘only’ have the amount of followers you have because, ‘I genuinely don’t think Tanya Burr gets asked about her blog this much.’ The one time you’ve been recognised instantly makes you believe that everytime you go out someone will approach you and you really hope it’s when you’re on a date so your beau can see what a popular chick he has.
4. Hitting those blog milestones feels as good as finding a MAC lipstick in a bottom of a handbag, that you thought you had lost. Whether it be in the tens, hundreds or thousands. HOWEVER you then begin frantically chasing the dragon and obsessing over how quickly you can get to the next one.
5. Seeing another blogger has written about you or linked you when you check your referrals makes you do a tiny sex wee. SOMEONE LOVES ME. You rapidly rush to their blog just to witness the plaudits they have lauded on you. Thanks bbz. Do more pls.
6. One event invite per week just isn’t enough. Especially when at said event at least 3 different strangers approach you to discuss Train Guy and you’ve basically made new best friends and who doesn’t need all the attention.
7. Follow Friday is like Prom Queen nominations in the blogging world. The more you get, the more you want. Last week only 6 people #FFed me and this week we’re on 10 before lunch time. WHY HAVE 4 PEOPLE UNFOLLOWED? What is the bleeding point.
8. Looking at your Twitter analytics to see how many RTs your latest post has gotten and OMFG we’re nearly at 100 and my reach is like 400k but why have only 0.5% of you clicked the link? Stingy, non link clicking bitches.
9. When your ‘fave blogger in the world ever’ engages with you about a post you have written, it is almost as euphoric as that first festival wee when you’ve been holding it in for 16 hours. The rush of emotions is just too overwhelming and you begin plotting just exactly what you can do to get their attention again. FRIEND ME PLEASE.
10. Seeing comments on your latest post rack up is easily equivalent to smashing 3 Tinder matches in a row. HEY MISS POPULAR. But you’re definitely now too popular to comment back on ALL of them. Leave an air of mystery yo.
OR don’t be such a dick that these things actually in whole apply to you. This is fairly tongue in cheek. Unless you’re exactly the same then HEY SISTAH wanna get in on some of this crack?