What is a player?

The following is an actual conversation I’ve had with a friend…

We first got talking on Tinder a couple of weeks ago. Their profile was banging – really fit pictures and seemed quite funny. We matched and the conversation flowed easily.

They were interesting enough for dating but definitely not the one. They wanted to settle and lock my shit down immediately.

But the banter was great and soon it turned to sexting. The stuff they were sending was PURE filth. They asked for pictures and I delved into the archives and sent my best naked selfies that I also sent to 3 more people that night. 

They asked when I’d be free to go on a date. Well, the thing is, I already have 3 lined up this week and even though this one seemed nice, I said I was super busy with work. I’m also kind of seeing 2 other people for the odd dates and ‘movie nights’.

After binning a few of the others,  I finally organised a date. It’s this Thursday, we’ll see how it goes.’

Now, my first thought upon hearing this conversation was – PLAYER.

But what is a player? And is it all that bad to be one?

A player can have 2 different meanings. The first being someone that simply ‘plays the field’ and is dating more than one person. The other meaning is someone that is so devoid of care for other people’s feelings that they go out of their way to play mind games and mess someone around. I know my aforementioned friend is the in the first camp. They aren’t manipulative in the slightest.

Oh and by the way…

Did you also read my friend’s speech as if it was a man speaking?

It wasn’t.

Growing up, it was so rare that women or fellow friends would speak in such a way. Mainly in fear of being brandished a ‘slag’. Playing the field was purely a man’s sport. But are times changing? And what is the female equivalent of a ‘player’?

It seems that we’ve always been around male friends speaking in the same way as above or have known friends of friends that have been given the ‘player’ tag but we’ve not really experienced women talking about relationships in the same way. It probably comes back to slut shaming. A woman is often too ashamed to even see more than one person at a time because we’ve had it drilled into us that it’s slutty whereas it makes a man legendary among his peers.

But in 2016, is the behaviour above really all that scandalous? In an age where we’ve exhausted all of our mutual friend dating options – or other people we already know a bit about, should we give playing the field a bash?

Internet dating is like walking into a sweet shop. All the options. Sure I want a Dip Dab but I also want to try those strawberry laces AND a bar of chocolate. I have no brand loyalty to Cadburys until I’ve eaten a Fruit and Nut consistently for at least a few months. Right? Does that make me a player though?

It is FOOLISH, in my opinion, to put all your sweets in one basket when it comes to dating. First of all, if you’re seeing more than one person you are a lot more laid back about where things are going because you don’t have the ‘FUCK I MUST SETTLE’ alarm going off. Also, it’s an easier pill to swallow if you find that the person you like is still dating if you’re also still dating. Furthermore, it’s bloody fun. Until you’re on a date and someone else you’re dating turns up to sit on the table next to you in the pub.*

So what is a player? For me this is an outdated term with negative connotations of someone putting it about willy nilly (great phrase, thanks Nan) without regard for other’s feelings.

Let me know you’re thoughts and maybe, in 2016, we could redefine the player.

*definitely maybe happened to me. Play on player.

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  1. Lauren Aitchison
    March 5, 2016 / 6:13 pm

    Last year, I was seeing someone for six months and he wouldn’t commit to a ‘proper’ relationship with me. I would bring it up with him once a month and he would say he still wasn’t ready and I would leave it again. I was still on Tinder the whole time and seeing other guys and got such stick about it from people and I couldn’t understand why. I was being totally honest with him and if he had wanted a relationship, I would have dropped everything. And I don’t think anyone would have said anything about it if I were a man.
    I think as long as you’re honest about what you’re after so everybody knows where they stand, then do what the fuck you want. x

  2. Charlotte Steggz
    March 20, 2016 / 7:46 pm

    Yeah I totally have done the same as the convo above. I don’t usually keep it on lockdown until frequent sex is established. I’d say a player is someone who keeps their options open once feelings have been created in the relationship.