There has been a very prominent theme amongst my Whatsapp girlfriends chats this weekend – trust. Trust being broken because others haven’t delivered on promises and trust gained because, ‘oh my god, he said he’d call me and HE DID.’ It got me thinking about how trusting (or not) I am and the events in my life that have led me to that level of trust. So as ever, here they are: the reasons I am so trust barren.
1. Takeaways that say they’ll be 35 minutes until delivery but it’s actually more like 50. My hunger grows expotentially during those extra 15 minutes and now I’m just HANGRY. No you won’t get a polite, ‘Evening’ as I open the door, you pizzaloverat.
2. Lipsticks that look all dark and seductive on the stick but pallid and insipid on your lips. YOUR NAME IS DARK CHERRY Y U LOOK LIKE STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM?
3. Men who claim they have a high sex drive but what they really mean is they watch a lot of porn. Well done on your 5 wanks today, but round 2 is a complete write off.
4. Scented sanitary towels. Your whole MO is to make things smell fresher but floral menstrual blood is not pleasant.
5. Guys on first dates that buy you doubles instead of singles. I know your game! You also booked this date for a Friday or Saturday night because you know I’m not up for work tomorrow. You plotting scoundrel, you.
6. Prosecco bottles that appear full but actually have 7 inches of extra glass at the bottom. I’VE HAD 2 GLASSES! How can you be empty already?
7. Men who blow smoke up your arse about how ‘amazing/pretty/intelligent/sexy/funny’ you are only to go quiet 5 minutes later. What happened? Did you die? I know all of the above are true so it can’t be that you were lying.
8. Friends who keep buying you alcohol on a night out. GOOD FRIENDS DON’T MAKE FRIENDS GO TO VIVA AT 2AM and they certainly don’t let you get off with that troll on the middle of the dance floor. These fiends are not to be trusted.
9. Clothes (normally from HM/Topshop) that brandish the size 12 label but you can’t get them over your ankle and/or wrist. DO YOU MEAN AGE 12? Have we all been confused all this time?
10. Netflix recommendations. Just when you thought your best friend, the one that brought Orange is the New Black and Making a Murderer into your life, has got your back, BAM they recommend you watch a documentary on Josef Fritzl and that’s 2 hours of your life you’re never getting back.
What things give you abnormally big trust issues?