Lately I’ve been reading male dating blogger Paul Thomas Bell, for his perspective on relationships and love. He wrote this great post on ‘5 things guys don’t want to hear‘ and as I was reading I couldn’t help but nod in agreement and cry, ‘Yuh, us too.’ So I decided to back those things up and add a few of my own.
1. ‘I’ll always love her.’ Now, agreeably, men don’t harp on about their exes quite as much as women do. We just can’t help ourselves! We constantly compare our relationships because that’s how we grow and mould our view of what we want. BUT there’s nothing worse than a bloke who’s still totally into his ex. How can you tell? Well, if they’ve got a severe case of mentionitis or he drops everything for a call? Then there’s the Case of the Ex. Except she’s probably not been turning tricks since y’all broke up in 96.
2. ‘I like it when a girl does this.’ Only the doofiest of men would ever think it’s a good idea to tell a woman what to do in bed based on what a previous lover has done. Unless he never wants to have sex with her again. HOWEVER I’m sure all of us at one point has been told not to use our tongue like that or to stop bloody humming. Kill our vibe why don’tcha.
3. ‘I’ve had bigger’. AGAIN, what self respecting bloke would compare his new female’s appendages to any previous? Obviously not in a penisy way but I’m pretty sure we’ve all been with a guy who’s ‘into arses’ when ours are dimply AF or someone who ‘loves big boobs’ when James Corden gives us a run for our money. Comparison is the killer of joy. And relationships.
4. ‘I’m outside’. Normally only the domain of a Stage 5 clinger who turns up at her bloke’s local pub to either catch him in the act or just hang. On a boys night. But us females have definitely had the equivalent. Which of you have been lucky enough to escape the boyfriend who wants to get back for Match of the Day so picks you up from your cocktails half an hour early?
5. ‘We need to talk.’ Well as we all know (or massively overgeneralise) men are terrible at talking. So this only ever goes one way. Down hill. If it’s not a break up then it’s to tell you they accidentally watched the Sons of Anarchy season finale whilst you were at work. And that’s worse.
Thanks Paul! Maybe the whole Mars and Venus thing isn’t that accurate. Here are a few more things that we need never hear from the opposite sex.
6. ‘The football’s on.’ Why is this such a bad thing? It’s not. On a normal Saturday when no one has plans. But that’s not when we hear it, is it ladies? Oh no. It’s normally as a response to birthday/anniversary or V Day plans.
7. ‘I used to think it was all about looks but now I’m glad I’ve found someone who’s got a great personality.’ SO I’M UGLY? That’s what you’re basically saying. You went for the worldies, found them boring so settled for plain old Jane over here who knows the rules in Rugby and beats you at Cards Against Humanity.
8. ‘I’m not ready.’ This is normally a response when asked to make any sort of decision. Whether it’s which meat to have for the Sunday roast, where to go on holiday or when to pop the question, we always hear an automatic freak out.
9. ‘I got you tyres/pans/an iron.’ Or any other SHIT GIFT. Men are practical folk. They like to think they’re being helpful. Neither ‘practical’ or ‘helpful’ are words that conjure ‘amazing present’ images in our minds. Not that we’re not grateful, we always are BUT chuck your girl some Jo Malone once in a while.
10. ‘You deserve better than me.’ Anyone that has ever dated EVER has been faced with this old adage. Whether it’s someone you’ve been seeing for weeks or the PE teacher you pulled who then fessed up to having a girlfriend, we HATE hearing men binning us off in this way. Whilst it’s clearly true, it always feels like a massive cop out.
There are so many more things we hate hearing guys say but I’ve run out of numbers for a ’10 things’ post. Feel free to leave your ideas in the comments or tweet me!