Ah, the fuckboy. The ever present character of dating that fortunately some can spot at the first whiff of Joop but others get blindsided by. If you’re in the second camp, here are a few signs that every one of them displays. Happy Hunting!
1. They immediately invite you back to their’s. Alright, you’ve been grinding on him to Murder She Wrote in a Revs at 2am but you’ve interspersed your hot moves with even hotter chat. You’ve shown interest. He’s shown none, so you’re pretty bewildered as to why he’d want you, a virtual stranger who’s name he hasn’t bothered to ask, to go back to his. He doesn’t care if you’re a psycho, he just wants some.
2. He wastes no time in macking. Ok, you’re a leeeetle bit drunk and you’ve gone back to his. Maybe it was after the first date or maybe it was 3am when Revs shut. He lured you back with the promise of more gin and watching the latest episode of First Dates together but before sexy Fred says something sexy in French, his tongue is down your throat and his hand is in your crotch. WOAH, whatcha doing there buddy? We haven’t even discussed your political preferences yet!
3. He does not snuggle. Ok, you were a leeeetle bit horny and decided to do the sex. That’s ok, girl got needs. You’re excited for a post coital cuddle, but he just lies there. No speaking, barely breathing, zero complimenting you on your amazing bed game and definitely no touching. Just stroke my hair or sumfin? An arm link? Nope.
4. He does not ask. My friend Laila once told me this amazing Arabic word for staying up all night and talking to someone you might love and I can’t remember it and I’ve asked her so many times I can’t ask again. But yeah, you want that. You want to search into his soul and find out more about the person who potentially might date. Except you won’t date him because this one has no interest in you. Each of your questions are met with blunt answers and you’ve never experienced anything quite as one-sided (apart from his perception of foreplay).
5. He doesn’t stay. So you’ve done the deed. You’ve not cuddled and you’ve barely spoken. You kid yourself that he’ll open up and relax once his heart rate’s gone down but before you can ask how he likes his coffee in the morning, his jeans are on and he’s telling you something about needing to hit the gym at 5am.
6. He doesn’t text. He says he will but you hear nothing. You decide you’re too old to play games so drop him a message saying that you enjoyed the night before and asking how the gym was. That bastard blue ticks you and leaves you worrying about what happened. Was it your sex face? Disco fanny. Definitely disco fanny.
7. He eventually texts back. Normally with some excuse about being busy at work or visiting family but YAY he wants to see you again. You ask where he’s taking you to. He’s confused, he thought he’d just come to yours to watch a film and have a drink again?
8. He never suggests a date. So you think you’re both adults and you’ll get to know each other during repeated Netflix and Chills and eventually it’ll turn into something more. Then you find yourself 6 weeks down the line where you’ve only ever seen him in your 4 walls and all of your hints about just going to Pizza Express are going completely unanswered.
9. He doesn’t know what he wants. Maybe you’ve been on a couple of what you deem successful dates. Then all of a sudden he drops the age old adage of not being sure of what he wants, is confused and blah blah blah. Except he does know what he wants. Sex. Easy access to sex with someone who’ll do it with him and who doesn’t keep banging on about being out in public.
10. He pays you no attention. No matter how many sexy Snapchats you add to your story, or ‘accidental’ bum dials you drop him because, ‘oh shit sorry, out with the girls in town and a bit tipsy’, he still won’t throw you a fricking bone of interest. He won’t snap you back and he won’t respond to your attention-seeking photos. He doesn’t care at all.
And there we have it. The many ways a fuckboy behaves. So what do you do when you realise you’re encountering one? You drop him quicker than he wants to drop his pants. You keep your head high and do one of two things. Ignore the twat completely or get some closure with this message… ‘Hey, look we’ve had some nice times together but I think we want different things. Good luck!’ Because you’re all classy and nice and shit.
Oh and you’re welcome.