Well well well guys, little Vix over here hasn’t been on a first date in 2 months! It might have something to do with Tinder ennui, (which I will blog about) but it definitely has something to do with having snapped myself up a hunky piece of man pie. Strong arm emoji.
So whilst #VixSwipes is not a thing and whilst I’m not going on any more first dates, I thought I could blog about all the silly dating shit I couldn’t write about before. So here are 10 embarrassing things that have happened to me on dates, pre current tall drink of water.
1. I watched monkey porn. Yup, a first date a couple of years ago included a visit to the Tate Modern. Something that is not up my street AT ALL. I hate pretentiousness and I hate pretending to know the symbolism of a tap stuck in a wall, so the date was already on minus points.
We walked around the gallery – my date boring me to tears with talk of politics I don’t agree with and of artists I’ve never heard of. Then we approached a small dark room that was showing an arty film.
We stood and engaged, slowly noticing that the film was of monkey puppets romancing each other. I looked around at my date with an awkward smile. He pulled my hips into his erection.
I swiftly made an excuse to leave. He followed me to Waterloo. I told him my train destination. He decided to get the same. We both got off at the same stop. He went in for the kiss. I ran. Running away is a popular theme as you’ll see.
2. My boobs had a conversation. Now I don’t have big tatties. I am of the small chest variety. A thing I am OK with. So it’s not that often that my bewbs are on show. In fact, they are hardly ever noticeable. So I was understandably bemused as to why a date I was with, only spoke to them the entire time we spent together at dinner. Hi, I’m up here.
3. I sent a text about someone else’s privates. During one date, I was riffing with my blog friends about an ex fling’s penis. I went to send them the text, ‘Matt’s bollocks would retract inside him,’ except I sent it to the guy I was on a date with (not Matt).
He swiftly asked me WTF I was on and I had to tell him I was referring to a dog I once had. Cue him questioning me about the breed, age and all other details about my fake dog. I had to covertly Google which breed of dog was known for having retractable testicles. German Shepherd FYI.
4. I was given a purple carrot. I strolled over to Oliver in the pub we were meeting at for our first date. He had just text me and told me he had got me a present.
As I sauntered over to him, as we all do when we’re trying to impress, I noticed a huge bulge in his trousers. The bulge to which he suddenly pointed to and said, ‘Here’s your present.’ I can’t imagine the look on my face. Either horror or humour.
Luckily he quickly pulled out a purple carrot he was given at the train station. Great present NAT.
5. I was expected to have sex. I had met James on Tinder and had arranged to meet him in Clapham for drinks.
His bio was funny and he seemed handsome.
We met, he wasn’t handsome and he wasn’t funny but as the cocktails flowed, the conversation began to.
Until I got so drunk that I forgot my last train and told him I was ordering an uber home. His reply? ‘I thought you were coming back to mine? I’ve bought you all of these cocktails?’
6. I ran away. Gary only had 1 picture on his Tinder bio. I should’ve known then. But not being a superficial tit, I decided to meet up, as his chat, over text, had been good.
As I waited at Clapham Junction, I eyed several good looking guys approaching me and hoped he was one of them. Nope. Gary limped up to me with his one leg shorter than the other, one eye going to the shop and the other coming back and a speech impediment.
Now, I try hard not to be judgemental or rude and thought I’d give it a chance and see if his chat matched up to his texts. It did not.
He spent the entire first drink punching me on the arm and calling me mate. I agreed to a second drink (that I would buy) and he proceeded to be on his phone the entire time we partook in a pub quiz.
I only discovered in the break that he was googling my answers when he said ‘You got 12 out of 20 that round’. I had decided I had done my time and when he went to buy the drunk 18 year old girls on the next table a drink, I ran.
7. I met a dominant. Paul was a Sons of Anarchy looking baddie. Motorbike, full beard and long slicked back hair. I swiped purely because I was on an Opie hype.
We met and one of the first things out of his mouth, was the information he wanted to share with me – he was a dominant.
He explained how he used mental domination to make women feel weak and dependant on him before getting them to commit sexual acts (like approaching strangers for oral sex) they wouldn’t be comfortable with and to report back. Safe to say there wasn’t another date.
8. I danced with the elderly. My date with Sam was a second date. The first had gone well, apart from saying the wrong thing and him thinking I never wanted to see him again.
The date was drinks in a beer garden, followed by a cocktail bar. Now, once cocktails are in me, my feet just can’t stop moving and my bum just can’t stop shaking. I pestered him for a dance – Sean Paul and Blu Cantrell were blaring out – but he refused. Boring bastard.
So instead, I joined the OAP birthday party (or singles night – I couldn’t tell) and grinded on some old geezers.
9. I spent no time with my date. I was whisked off to Secret Cinema with a guy I had been on a few dates with.
We enjoyed each other’s company but there was just something missing. I did like him as a friend but couldn’t see it going anywhere. This thought was completely confirmed during our date to the Secret Cinema.
We got split up for a good couple of hours whilst we were on seperate missions. I’d got chatting to a couple of guys on my missions who wanted my number/to buy me a drink and I was pretty much happy not to meet my date again.
Until he found me and soppily asked if he could follow me around on my missions and completely cock blocked me. Cheers!
And now possibly my favourite EVER date story…
10. I dated my cousin. I was dating 2 guys at once earlier this year. Neither knew about the other. One I liked more as a friend and the other I actually quite liked (until he dumped me because of Vix Swipes, the tool and looking back he was just a complete melt and I don’t know what I was thinking).
Let’s call them Jim and Tim.
Jim was funny and bearded – win you’d say but nah, SO camp – too much for any real connection but we had been on 5 or 6 dates as we had always had fun.
Tim was a ‘nice guy’ and totally into his social media. Our only common ground. Lulz.
For my second date with Tim we went to a bar in London. This bar was so tiny that tables were impossible to get and everyone was packed in. We waited 30 minutes until a table opened up and grabbed it.
About 10 minutes in, the table next to us opened up and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy taking off his coat. As I looked up and clocked glances, I realised it was Jim.
We awkwardly said ‘hi’ and he have me a funny look. Tim suddenly got up to go to the toilet so I immediately text my friends about the sheer embarrassment and Jim leaned over and said, ‘This is awkward, are you on a date?’ I swiftly said, ‘No, he’s my cousin.’ Tim rejoined us as I tried to keep the conversation as unflirty as possible.
Until a moment of horror occurred – both Jim and Tim went to the bar at the same time. DYING of shame, I was on my whatsapp thread melting down. Then Jim started texting me, ‘Can we join you guys? I really want to come and give you a kiss.’ I had to wheedle my way out of that.
Then he messaged me saying to join him for a drink at another bar. I made my excuses about needing family time and meeting up with Aunties and sisters. I thought I was free and clear, until Tim suggested we go to the same bar that Jim was going to. Luckily I got out of it and to this day neither knows about the close encounter. Well. They might now.
Please hit me up with your date horror stories on Twitter or in my comments!