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10 things that have happened on dates

Well well well guys, little Vix over here hasn’t been on a first date in 2 months! It might have something to do with Tinder ennui, (which I will blog about) but it definitely has something to do with having snapped myself up a hunky piece of man pie. Strong arm emoji.

So whilst #VixSwipes is not a thing and whilst I’m not going on any more first dates, I thought I could blog about all the silly dating shit I couldn’t write about before. So here are 10 embarrassing things that have happened to me on dates, pre current tall drink of water.

1. I watched monkey porn. Yup, a first date a couple of years ago included a visit to the Tate Modern. Something that is not up my street AT ALL. I hate pretentiousness and I hate pretending to know the symbolism of a tap stuck in a wall, so the date was already on minus points.

We walked around the gallery – my date boring me to tears with talk of politics I don’t agree with and of artists I’ve never heard of. Then we approached a small dark room that was showing an arty film.

We stood and engaged, slowly noticing that the film was of monkey puppets romancing each other. I looked around at my date with an awkward smile. He pulled my hips into his erection.

I swiftly made an excuse to leave. He followed me to Waterloo. I told him my train destination. He decided to get the same. We both got off at the same stop. He went in for the kiss. I ran. Running away is a popular theme as you’ll see.

2. My boobs had a conversation. Now I don’t have big tatties. I am of the small chest variety. A thing I am OK with. So it’s not that often that my bewbs are on show. In fact, they are hardly ever noticeable. So I was understandably bemused as to why a date I was with, only spoke to them the entire time we spent together at dinner. Hi, I’m up here.

3. I sent a text about someone else’s privates. During one date, I was riffing with my blog friends about an ex fling’s penis. I went to send them the text, ‘Matt’s bollocks would retract inside him,’ except I sent it to the guy I was on a date with (not Matt).

He swiftly asked me WTF I was on and I had to tell him I was referring to a dog I once had. Cue him questioning me about the breed, age and all other details about my fake dog. I had to covertly Google which breed of dog was known for having retractable testicles. German Shepherd FYI.

4. I was given a purple carrot. I strolled over to Oliver in the pub we were meeting at for our first date. He had just text me and told me he had got me a present.

As I sauntered over to him, as we all do when we’re trying to impress, I noticed a huge bulge in his trousers. The bulge to which he suddenly pointed to and said, ‘Here’s your present.’ I can’t imagine the look on my face. Either horror or humour.

Luckily he quickly pulled out a purple carrot he was given at the train station. Great present NAT.

5. I was expected to have sex. I had met James on Tinder and had arranged to meet him in Clapham for drinks.

His bio was funny and he seemed handsome.

We met, he wasn’t handsome and he wasn’t funny but as the cocktails flowed, the conversation began to.

Until I got so drunk that I forgot my last train and told him I was ordering an uber home. His reply? ‘I thought you were coming back to mine? I’ve bought you all of these cocktails?’

6. I ran away. Gary only had 1 picture on his Tinder bio. I should’ve known then. But not being a superficial tit, I decided to meet up, as his chat, over text, had been good.

As I waited at Clapham Junction, I eyed several good looking guys approaching me and hoped he was one of them. Nope. Gary limped up to me with his one leg shorter than the other, one eye going to the shop and the other coming back and a speech impediment.

Now, I try hard not to be judgemental or rude and thought I’d give it a chance and see if his chat matched up to his texts. It did not.

He spent the entire first drink punching me on the arm and calling me mate. I agreed to a second drink (that I would buy) and he proceeded to be on his phone the entire time we partook in a pub quiz.

I only discovered in the break that he was googling my answers when he said ‘You got 12 out of 20 that round’. I had decided I had done my time and when he went to buy the drunk 18 year old girls on the next table a drink, I ran.

7. I met a dominant. Paul was a Sons of Anarchy looking baddie. Motorbike, full beard and long slicked back hair. I swiped purely because I was on an Opie hype.

We met and one of the first things out of his mouth, was the information he wanted to share with me – he was a dominant.

He explained how he used mental domination to make women feel weak and dependant on him before getting them to commit sexual acts (like approaching strangers for oral sex) they wouldn’t be comfortable with and to report back. Safe to say there wasn’t another date.

8. I danced with the elderly. My date with Sam was a second date. The first had gone well, apart from saying the wrong thing and him thinking I never wanted to see him again.

The date was drinks in a beer garden, followed by a cocktail bar. Now, once cocktails are in me, my feet just can’t stop moving and my bum just can’t stop shaking. I pestered him for a dance – Sean Paul and Blu Cantrell were blaring out – but he refused. Boring bastard.

So instead, I joined the OAP birthday party (or singles night – I couldn’t tell) and grinded on some old geezers.

9. I spent no time with my date. I was whisked off to Secret Cinema with a guy I had been on a few dates with.

We enjoyed each other’s company but there was just something missing. I did like him as a friend but couldn’t see it going anywhere. This thought was completely confirmed during our date to the Secret Cinema.

We got split up for a good couple of hours whilst we were on seperate missions. I’d got chatting to a couple of guys on my missions who wanted my number/to buy me a drink and I was pretty much happy not to meet my date again.

Until he found me and soppily asked if he could follow me around on my missions and completely cock blocked me. Cheers!

And now possibly my favourite EVER date story…

10. I dated my cousin. I was dating 2 guys at once earlier this year. Neither knew about the other. One I liked more as a friend and the other I actually quite liked (until he dumped me because of Vix Swipes, the tool and looking back he was just a complete melt and I don’t know what I was thinking).

Let’s call them Jim and Tim.

Jim was funny and bearded – win you’d say but nah, SO camp – too much for any real connection but we had been on 5 or 6 dates as we had always had fun.

Tim was a ‘nice guy’ and totally into his social media. Our only common ground. Lulz.

For my second date with Tim we went to a bar in London. This bar was so tiny that tables were impossible to get and everyone was packed in. We waited 30 minutes until a table opened up and grabbed it.

About 10 minutes in, the table next to us opened up and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a guy taking off his coat. As I looked up and clocked glances, I realised it was Jim.

We awkwardly said ‘hi’ and he have me a funny look. Tim suddenly got up to go to the toilet so I immediately text my friends about the sheer embarrassment and Jim leaned over and said, ‘This is awkward, are you on a date?’ I swiftly said, ‘No, he’s my cousin.’ Tim rejoined us as I tried to keep the conversation as unflirty as possible.

Until a moment of horror occurred – both Jim and Tim went to the bar at the same time. DYING of shame, I was on my whatsapp thread melting down. Then Jim started texting me, ‘Can we join you guys? I really want to come and give you a kiss.’ I had to wheedle my way out of that.

Then he messaged me saying to join him for a drink at another bar. I made my excuses about needing family time and meeting up with Aunties and sisters. I thought I was free and clear, until Tim suggested we go to the same bar that Jim was going to. Luckily I got out of it and to this day neither knows about the close encounter. Well. They might now.

Please hit me up with your date horror stories on Twitter or in my comments!

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15 Comments
  • Nathan
    May 23, 2016

    Told you I would keep my eyes peeled for this… Really made me laugh, although it does seem you managed to find some real ‘special’ dates.

    It makes me quite glad that I’m married and don’t have to go through all this crap any more!

    Nathan
    http://www.manporium.com

  • Farah
    May 23, 2016

    I’m crying! Amazing post, Vix 🙂

  • Claudua
    May 23, 2016

    This was brilliant, I love reading all your posts, they brighten my day. I had one date where the guy turned up and looked nothing like his pictures and then admitted that they were 5 years old. Another date I had been so drunk the night I met him that when we met up for a drink I had no clue who I was looking for, so awkward. I feel like I want to write all my dates down now ? Great post xx

  • Victoria Nightingale
    May 23, 2016

    Aww wow the carrot thing is very special – what the hell? Ah I always love your dating posts Vix, they are just hilarious! x

    vvnightingale.com

  • Holly
    May 23, 2016

    I loved reading this!!! Although they seemed awful at the time at least you got some great stories out of it 😀

    I have 3 memorable first dates:
    1: the guy was boring, he talked about supermarket baskets having bigger holes now as his Flake kept falling out the bottom.
    2. I was 27, he was days from celebrating his 20th birthday… I didn’t know that before the date.
    3. I got so, so drunk I threw up in the pub toilet. He then leant in for a kiss :/

  • Lauren Aitchison
    May 23, 2016
    1. I met a guy in the smoking area of my favourite club in Aberdeen. He lived in Edinburgh and he was a wedding singer! I was feeling hesitant about going on a date with him…women’s intuition…but my friends convinced me and since I was already going to be in Edinburgh that weekend, I thought "what the hell!" The date started off really well, until he told me he’d been in prison for GBH. He’d come home and caught his ex girlfriend cheating and thrown the guy down some stairs. He didn’t seem sorry. Also don’t like to be shallow, but he had TINY, TINY HANDS. Like, the hands of a child. And the next time he was in Aberdeen, I had 37 missed calls and ended up having to meet him in person to tell him I wasn’t interested and then he shouted at me in the street.

    2. Went out with a guy who works abroad so we’d been speaking for ages before we met up. We really, really liked each other and were both really hoping we would get on as well in real life. Again, the date started off brilliantly. Then he said, "So…how many people have you slept with?" Being the person I am, I thought, if you really want to have an awkward conversation, LET’S HAVE AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION. I told him how many people, the age at which I lost my virginity etc etc. He went on to ask the last time I’d had sex and who with (Five days ago with someone he knew). No second date.

  • Katie Shannon
    May 23, 2016

    my shoe fell apart on a second date and had to drag him round primark in my odd socks while i picked up a new pair of boots. horrific!

    littlekaatie.com

  • Paula
    May 24, 2016

    Not technically a bad date as such, more just what happened afterwards… I had a good date with a guy I met at a party years ago. We decided to go on another the following weekend, the night before we had been texting and he said he was feeling a bit ropey and might have swine flu, which seemed a bit overdramatic, especially as he seemed to think he would still be able to meet me the following day. Anyway I half-expected to be cancelled on; what I DIDN’T expect was a text an hour before we were meant to meet saying he was really sorry but he’d decided to get back together with his ex! She hadn’t even been mentioned previously so it came as a bit of a shock… think they’re actually married now so I guess it was worth it for him, haha!

    Paula/ http://insertmyblognamehere.blogspot.co.uk

  • Kimberley
    May 24, 2016

    Oh my god Vix I’m crying! These are all fab, espesh the monkey porn one! xx

    Kimberley // thecolourchronicles.com

  • Alice Red
    May 24, 2016

    Oh my god. I would have run away screaming from the dominant. Well done for surviving these dates! x

    alicered.co.uk

  • Cherie
    May 24, 2016

    This is so funny, I don’t know these were meant to be. Number 5, is my biggest for internet dating, how did you get out of that? xx

    http://www.cheriexox.me

  • Marie
    May 26, 2016

    Haha, how funny. Loved reading this, reminded me of old times – some good, some bad – all equally entertaining to recall though! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    http://www.makemeupmarie.com

    xoxo

  • Ella
    May 28, 2016

    Haha the first one of these cracked me up! I was set up on a date years ago who kept talking about football non stop even when I asked him to stop! He then told me that he was only on the date to get back at his girlfriend! Great post lovely!

    Ella xx
    http://www.ellaselement.blogspot.co.uk

  • sara
    May 30, 2016

    Oh my god, I was in complete hysterics reading through these!

    xx

  • Kate
    July 25, 2016

    Love this post. I had my first date after a 3.5 year relationship on Saturday. Half an hour in to it and he goes ‘oh my sister is also here, and she’s already taken a stealth photo of us for the family whatsapp group’

    Um, as if I wasn’t nervous enough already! I was on edge the rest of the day after that and spooned the date right up, ha.

    Kate

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