Ah, the Tinder generation. A whole gaggle of folk who are wading through literal trash in the vain hope of finding the one. Us folk who are so far removed from our old dating selves – when dinner and a movie meant just that. Us folk who remember the anxiety caused by your credit running out before you could text your crush back. Well, we just don’t understand modern dating. We don’t get ghosters and fuckboys, spambots and time wasters. We don’t ‘get’ modern romance. Because here’s what it looks like:
1. Good morning texts. Our hearts do a little leap if bae has remembered to send us the first text in the morning. And boy do our hearts fall out the bottom of our butts if we wake up and there’s not one there. Does he even like us?
2. Deleting dating apps. Before ‘Facebook official’ we used to just ask each other out. It was as simple as, ‘Would you like to be my girlfriend?’ Now, nothing says romance and commitment like sitting next to each other so you can both see for certain that you have deleted your dating apps and have removed; Dan Tinder, Adam Tinder, Joe Bumble and Tom Happn from your contacts.
3. Dates over Netflix and Chill. Oh em geeeee bae has asked if you want to actually go out for dinner to Nandos as opposed to getting some snacks in and putting on a movie you inevitably don’t end up watching. Is this what true love feels like?
4. Phone calls. All of a sudden, a generation has got severe phone call anxiety. No one picks up and a sheer panic overcomes you if you see bae’s number pop up – he’s cheated. Or he’s dead. There’s no other reason he should be calling me. Oh wait, he wants a catch up – SO ROMANTIC.
5. Sexts. Nothing says ‘I love you’, more than a Snapchat streak of nudes or a 2 hour long sexting session. How did generations before even want to have sex with each other if they hadn’t already seen each other nude via photo? If he sends me the aubergine emoji, I know what’s going down.
6. Facebook official. The pinnacle of all commitment and what is fast becoming a dying art. That moment you go from ‘Single’ to ‘In a relationship with…’ Is enough to solidify your blossoming relationship. And if bae puts a profile pic of you both together? Well, soul mates.
7. Instagram pics/quotes. When you’re scrolling through bae’s Insta feed and see a love quote pop up about missing you when you’re gone and love filling the silence, you get all sorts of jubbly feelings in your tummy. He’s directly professing his feelings for the world to see.
8. Boy done good. Is your boyfriend even a really good boyfriend if he hasn’t gotten you £100s worth of presents just for you to post them to social media? If he lets you tag him in a ‘boy done good’ status, he’s pretty much the one.
9. Blocking the opposite sex. Before phones and social media, you had total control over who bae saw and spoke to. There was no Becky with the good hair lurking in his whatsapp graveyard, ready to jump out with a suggestive late night message and ruin the strong bond between you. So when bae shows you he has deleted and blocked all members of the opposite sex from every media possible, you know it’s real.
10. Giving each other access to your phones. Once you and bae have decided you are each other’s lobster, you can prove your love for each other by not having a complete freak out over whether they see your phone – because oh shit, I screenshotted the conversation where he was a being a knob and sent it to Amy or crap! Rhonda sent me a Dick pic from her Tinder crush. You don’t do any of that any more!
And if you didn’t notice my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, maybe you DO get modern romance.