10 things every person with a vagina knows to be true

Ah the vagina. The minge. The fanny. The mound. The privates. The cunny (bringing it to you Victorian style.) That lower region of our body that can equally be our best friend and be a nightmare worse than BoJo as Foreign Sec. So if you do have one, or have seen one, then you’ll know the following to be true:

1. They look odd. I mean, it’s your perception of odd. No matter how many times I’ve seen that Sex and the City episode where they liken the labia to a rose, I’ll never get Blue Waffle out of my head, DON’T GOOGLE. Porn tells us that vagina lips should be neatly tucked in like Pinterest worthy Zara bedding but the majority of us are looking at a Subway sandwich down there and wondering what’s wrong with us.

PSA: NOTHING.

2. They smell. If boys in your school didn’t refer to vaginas as ‘Scampi Fries’,  were you ever really 14? Yes women can experience vaginosis – a whiffy vag BUT it doesn’t mean it’s diseased and it can be easily sorted by washing with water or a trip to Boots. Most of the time our bits are smelling because we’ve been working or partying hard and haven’t showered since the morning. Disco Fanny anyone? It doesn’t mean we’re dirty! Quick spritz of Impulse in the girl’s loo and you’re good to go. DON’T DO THAT. Just keep it clean and bollocks to anyone who gets put off by a little bit of sweat. Blokes – we’ve all been down on your ball sack after a day of hard graft and DAMN that shit is potent.

3. They’re hairy. Unless you’ve got alopecia of the axe wound then you are supposed to grow patch on that Lady Garden. Some women prefer the Richard O’Brien look, others prefer full 70s bush. Neither is wrong. Neither is gross. Both are pretty glorious. What we do know to be true about bush hair is that, post shaving those bastards are itchy AF and can leave you trying to scratch yourself through your jean pockets which is never an appropriate look. Plus, a wayward pube accidentally getting in the teeth of bae? That shit is funny AND mortifying.

4. Knickers suck. Oh look at this pretty, floral thong! OH GOD WHY ARE YOU CARVING A FURTHER CRACK DOWN THERE. Oh look at these grey boy shorts, they’re so comfy and dowdy I don’t care if I leak on them! OH GOD WHY DO YOU MAKE MY ARSE LOOK LIKE IT DEFLATED? Please someone show me where to find the Holy Knicker Trifecta – comfy, sexy and cheap. Ain’t nobody spending £27 on a pair.

5.  They can get fat. Ain’t nothing sexier than having a post holiday, eating all the burgers and drinking all the cocktails, gunt going on. Again, porn shows us that vaginas are neat little penis pockets that are as flat as the film’s dialogue BUT our pussies can pile on the pounds and get a little podgy. No vag-shaming here please!

6. They bleed. Unless you’re 7 and haven’t had Sex Education yet then you’ll be fully aware of the menstrual cycle. Or so you’d think. Some people still actually believe that menstruation and urine come out of the same hole. Silly fools. But blood ain’t nothing to be scared of. Does it smell? It shouldn’t, but it can. Does it go everywhere? It can if you’re unlucky. Is it disgusting? Not to me but I can understand those who think it is. Menstruation is a bodily fluid, just like semen, sweat and discharge – it’s not dirty and it’s not something that should be shamed. And sex on your period? GO FOR IT.

7. They hurt. Around once a month you will feel like you have been drop kicked in the nether regions by Hulk Hogan. Or you will feel like you have a tiny Karate Kid hiding inside you and practising all matter of beat downs on your uterus. There is only one thing for this – pain killing. It can come in the form of drugs, hugs or mugs of all the hot stuff.

8. They feel good. Our clitorises (clitorisi? What’s the correct plural here?) are the most sensitive part of our bodies. Get a toy. Get a partner. Get a hand but go to town on that bad boy and treat yo’self.

9. They are dry. Post period or pre porking, vaginas can get particularly dry. Our natural oils aren’t always on top form so we need to help ourselves here because nothing is more uncomfy than underwear chafing or unlubricated fumblings. Washing with water, as opposed to soaps can help with this. So can having a sexual partner that can make you gush emoji just with an ear nibble kiss.

10. They are uncomfortable. Whether you’ve got ill fitting pants (front wedge anyone?), you’re cramping to buggery or you’ve had a weekend of the good humping, your bits can be uncomfortable sometimes. Remember that a vagina is a precious and wonderful thing. Please look after it. It will certainly look after you.

People with vaginas – tweet me with more things we all know to be true!

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22 Comments

  1. Katie Shannon
    July 18, 2016 / 11:34 am

    Oh my god this had me laughing so hard! Good for you for talking about the things so many (me lol) would cringe at the thought of. And these are all so so true. I feel like you can’t win with shaving; you want to be ‘prepared’ for that date night but no one wants to be scratching there razor rashes half way through a shift at work.
    And another annoying thing? Thrush. Vag jay jay, y u so sensitive to yeast? 🙁

  2. July 18, 2016 / 12:36 pm

    I’d also add "they make noises"

    If there’s ever a more awkward moment is when you’re going at it like lovesick rabbits and your partner stops mid-thrust because your vag just let out the biggest phlerb in the history of phlerbs. Like, calm down, you just pumped it full of air – it’s gotta come out somehow; I ain’t air-filled like your last girlfriend!

    • July 24, 2016 / 3:58 pm

      Yes! Also, ‘phlerb’ might be my new favourite word.

  3. Lauren -bylaurenjane
    July 18, 2016 / 4:48 pm

    Haha brilliant, there ain’t nothing wrong with a good ol’ pair of boy shorts, she says sat here in a jolly great giant navy pair as it’s too hot for trousers.

    Lauren xx

  4. July 18, 2016 / 5:59 pm

    Haha Yasss, I am living for this post! Ohh the joys of having a vag eh?! Haha! 😉

    Heather Xx
    100waysto30.co.uk

  5. Liz
    July 18, 2016 / 9:09 pm

    Love this post! Actually LOLed at the Scampi Fries and now desperately trying to resist the temptation to Google Blue Waffle….

    Liz x

  6. Holly
    July 18, 2016 / 10:37 pm

    Omfg Vix. I absolutely love this post! It’s had me in stitches! Xx

  7. Lauren O'Hara
    July 18, 2016 / 10:44 pm

    Oh my gosh Vix. This was so brutally honest that i am so proud to tell you that you know our vaginas so well (haha!)

    Very impressed. Loved how humorous it was too. Got to love your posts!

    Lots of love,
    Lauren"Sweetened Sour" O’Hara

    https://lauren-ohara-x.blogspot.com

  8. July 18, 2016 / 11:12 pm

    This is bloody BRILLIANT. I don’t think I’ve smiled so much whilst reading a blog post, so beautifully honest and witty – I ADORE YOU.

    Isabelle | http://www.isabellekategm.co.uk ♡

  9. Imii Mace
    July 19, 2016 / 12:43 pm

    All of thissssss but especially the bit about vaginas getting podgy because I’ve literally never ever heard anyone else say that out loud (or like, read it…) and I’ve always thought mine was borderline big. Shout out to you. <3

  10. July 30, 2016 / 2:27 pm

    This is truly an amazing article. I laughed all the way through and shared with my husband. I’m definitely sharing with friends for a read! Always great work Vix

    http://Www.dream1ncolour.com

  11. August 9, 2016 / 6:48 pm

    This is great and hilarious!
    Rachel // <a href="www.racheleiwood.blogspot.com">Rachel Ellen</a>

  12. Angela the witch
    August 18, 2016 / 2:39 pm

    I say I have "sticky pants"when it gets whiffy after a night out!

  13. Sarah
    August 31, 2016 / 8:21 am

    This is 100% the best blog post I have ever read ?? amazing! Also try Primark thongs – £1, incredibly stretchy, very comfortable and come in all sorts of colours you can match to your bras ?

    Sarah | http://www.sarahmurgatroyd.com

  14. September 13, 2016 / 2:49 pm

    This is awesome! Totally brightened my day 🙂 great post x

  15. Melissa
    November 8, 2016 / 9:18 am

    Just recently discovered your blog and I’m so thankful I did, this brightened up my day haha. I’ll be sending this over to my bestie for a read. X

    Melissa | http://www.blessthegarden.co.uk