Ah the vagina. The minge. The fanny. The mound. The privates. The cunny (bringing it to you Victorian style.) That lower region of our body that can equally be our best friend and be a nightmare worse than BoJo as Foreign Sec. So if you do have one, or have seen one, then you’ll know the following to be true:
1. They look odd. I mean, it’s your perception of odd. No matter how many times I’ve seen that Sex and the City episode where they liken the labia to a rose, I’ll never get Blue Waffle out of my head, DON’T GOOGLE. Porn tells us that vagina lips should be neatly tucked in like Pinterest worthy Zara bedding but the majority of us are looking at a Subway sandwich down there and wondering what’s wrong with us.
2. They smell. If boys in your school didn’t refer to vaginas as ‘Scampi Fries’, were you ever really 14? Yes women can experience vaginosis – a whiffy vag BUT it doesn’t mean it’s diseased and it can be easily sorted by washing with water or a trip to Boots. Most of the time our bits are smelling because we’ve been working or partying hard and haven’t showered since the morning. Disco Fanny anyone? It doesn’t mean we’re dirty! Quick spritz of Impulse in the girl’s loo and you’re good to go. DON’T DO THAT. Just keep it clean and bollocks to anyone who gets put off by a little bit of sweat. Blokes – we’ve all been down on your ball sack after a day of hard graft and DAMN that shit is potent.
3. They’re hairy. Unless you’ve got alopecia of the axe wound then you are supposed to grow patch on that Lady Garden. Some women prefer the Richard O’Brien look, others prefer full 70s bush. Neither is wrong. Neither is gross. Both are pretty glorious. What we do know to be true about bush hair is that, post shaving those bastards are itchy AF and can leave you trying to scratch yourself through your jean pockets which is never an appropriate look. Plus, a wayward pube accidentally getting in the teeth of bae? That shit is funny AND mortifying.
4. Knickers suck. Oh look at this pretty, floral thong! OH GOD WHY ARE YOU CARVING A FURTHER CRACK DOWN THERE. Oh look at these grey boy shorts, they’re so comfy and dowdy I don’t care if I leak on them! OH GOD WHY DO YOU MAKE MY ARSE LOOK LIKE IT DEFLATED? Please someone show me where to find the Holy Knicker Trifecta – comfy, sexy and cheap. Ain’t nobody spending £27 on a pair.
5. They can get fat. Ain’t nothing sexier than having a post holiday, eating all the burgers and drinking all the cocktails, gunt going on. Again, porn shows us that vaginas are neat little penis pockets that are as flat as the film’s dialogue BUT our pussies can pile on the pounds and get a little podgy. No vag-shaming here please!
6. They bleed. Unless you’re 7 and haven’t had Sex Education yet then you’ll be fully aware of the menstrual cycle. Or so you’d think. Some people still actually believe that menstruation and urine come out of the same hole. Silly fools. But blood ain’t nothing to be scared of. Does it smell? It shouldn’t, but it can. Does it go everywhere? It can if you’re unlucky. Is it disgusting? Not to me but I can understand those who think it is. Menstruation is a bodily fluid, just like semen, sweat and discharge – it’s not dirty and it’s not something that should be shamed. And sex on your period? GO FOR IT.
7. They hurt. Around once a month you will feel like you have been drop kicked in the nether regions by Hulk Hogan. Or you will feel like you have a tiny Karate Kid hiding inside you and practising all matter of beat downs on your uterus. There is only one thing for this – pain killing. It can come in the form of drugs, hugs or mugs of all the hot stuff.
8. They feel good. Our clitorises (clitorisi? What’s the correct plural here?) are the most sensitive part of our bodies. Get a toy. Get a partner. Get a hand but go to town on that bad boy and treat yo’self.
9. They are dry. Post period or pre porking, vaginas can get particularly dry. Our natural oils aren’t always on top form so we need to help ourselves here because nothing is more uncomfy than underwear chafing or unlubricated fumblings. Washing with water, as opposed to soaps can help with this. So can having a sexual partner that can make you gush emoji just with an ear nibble kiss.
10. They are uncomfortable. Whether you’ve got ill fitting pants (front wedge anyone?), you’re cramping to buggery or you’ve had a weekend of the good humping, your bits can be uncomfortable sometimes. Remember that a vagina is a precious and wonderful thing. Please look after it. It will certainly look after you.
People with vaginas – tweet me with more things we all know to be true!