10 things that goes through every girl’s mind, the first time she sleeps with someone new

Apart from being bought cocktails and maybe a half decent meal, if you’re lucky, the best thing about dating and exploring new relationships is the first time you get to see the other person naked. Whilst this time is precious and exciting it can also be wildly terrifying. So here are 10 things that goes through your mind the first time you say, ‘Yes diggity.’

1. Aaah we’re kissing. And not just Saved By The Bell kissing, this is full on pashing and I’m starting to get a little tingle. What do I do with my tongue? Shall I lick his? Shall I bite it? Will that show I’m DTF? Or is that too forward? Shall I make a ‘Mmm’ noise or is that desperate? Shut up FFS and enjoy it.

2. Oh god his hands are wandering. He’s grabbing my bum, good, I know it’s a peach. Oh fuck his hand just passed 1/16 stomach rolls – did he feel that? Does he want to vom? His hands are ON MY FACE. This is sex catnip. WAIT they’re grazing boob. Is it customary to swear in delight at this moment?

3. Where do I touch him? Round the waist. OK this is good, he’s not got a six pack so I won’t feel too shit about myself. Do I go straight for the hand shandy or wait awhile? I’ll grab his bicep that’s not too forward. Where are male erogenous zones? How can I make it more horny without going full crotchal?

4. Shit he’s taking off my dress. Moment of truth. Can he look at my body or is he repulsed? Wait, does he look pleased? Do my boobs look OK in this bra? Ooh fuck I’m wearing tights to my belly button, this is NOT SEXY. How do I start to pull them down sexily so he doesn’t see my bottom roll flob out?

5. OK I’m basically naked. He’s fully clothed. I feel so vunerable. Time to get him bare. WHY ARE BELTS SO FUCKING AWKWARD? I look like this is the first time I’ve had to use one. I’m a Belt Virgin. Great. He’s had to take it off himself because I was fumbling so much. SMOOTH.

6. Shit the bed, he’s hot. I think he thinks I’m hot! Or does he just want sex? At what point will he lose his erection at the sight of me? Is he going to spunk and bunk? STOP THINKING he can see your forehead wrinkle. GET BACK IN THE MOMENT.

7. Safe to say we are both now very aroused. He’s touching DOWN THERE. Does he mind there’s a bit of hair going on? Oh god he just stroked my legs and they’re definitely stubbly. SHIT I can spot a nipple hair! Please don’t let him see. Please don’t let him see.

8. This feels incredible! Does he like it too? He’s not saying much. Or making noises. I think he likes it. He’s still going! Shall I ask him? No wait, that’s too awkward. WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? Queefing Vagina, you have let me down. It’s OK we’re laughing it off. I’m mortified, ha bloody ha.

9. Why is he trying to look into my eyes? That shit is far too intimate. What if I’m pulling an ugly sex face? What if he is? Am I making the right noises? Am I even enjoying this? I think so…

10. WOAH WOAH WOAH. Yes I’m enjoying this. So has he. Do we cuddle now or what?

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  1. Charlene McElhinney
    July 26, 2016 / 10:03 am

    This was fabulous!
    I love how you just say it how it is!
    What a great read!

    Charlene McElhinney

  2. Katie
    July 30, 2016 / 11:56 pm

    Haha, this is hilarious and actually so true as well! Great read and so refreshing to read something like this as well.


  3. Sarah
    August 13, 2016 / 2:36 pm

    This did make me LOL, unfortunately, the last few times (before I decided to go on a man hiatus due to everyone being crap in bed), all I’ve thought was fml…. I wasted an evening of my life to find out you have a chipolata and are trying to jab at my body like I’m a Xbox controller.