10 things everyone that has seen a penis knows to be true

I wrote about vaginas. You hopefully chuckled. I had no idea so many of you thought about your moo in the same way I do. So what was the next logical step? TALK ABOUT COCKS.

I realise I write about these things in a very reductive and (attempting to be) humourous way but I do truly believe that talking openly about private parts can work towards ending stigmas and minimising pre conceptions so PLEASE; don’t take offence, chuckle and then get to discussing dicks more freely.

An Oreo Freakshake. This is a relevant photo...promise.  An Oreo Freakshake. This is a relevant photo…promise.

1. They look odd. Again it’s your perception of odd but can you honestly say you’ve ever looked at a wilted whisky dick that looks like a slug retreating under a rock and thought, ‘Be still my beating heart.’? However I’m sure you have looked at one that was in its full, hard and glistening glory and thought, ‘what a masterpiece’. Let’s just hope he masters his piece. Amirite?

2. They smell. Just like vaginas, these handsome handles have been hidden away all day. Sometimes caged up in the tightest briefs known to mankind. You’re not Daniel Craig, ok babe? Let the little bugger breathe down there. Now I don’t know what the equivalent of ‘disco fanny’ is, but after a long day at work, his wangle is going to whiff. Perhaps let the douche come home and douche before freeing it from his trouser prison. Or breathe through your mouth and not worry about it.

3. They’re hairy. I don’t know what your preference is and you don’t know what mine is. You are going to have one and that’s fine, as long as you don’t make your Mr feel miserable for his body hair choices. The beauty of bulges is that they come in a range of hairy forms, from a gleaming gym dick which is as hairless and tanned as Scotty T’s torso OR something that resembles a baby bird peeking over the edge of a nest. Either way, as long as it’s clean and you don’t choke on a stray pube, they’re ALL good.

4. They come in all shapes and sizes. Now we know we have it ingrained in us to believe that ‘bigger is better’ and we’ve all been there to see a sword being unsheathed that looks more like a dagger than a lightsaber and had that initial shoulder slumpy involuntary reaction BUT the saying, ‘it’s not the size of the ship, it’s the motion in the ocean’ is so true. As is the saying, ‘anything more than a handful is a waste’. Or a mouthful, whatever’s your bag. It really doesn’t matter if it’s fat, thin, tall, short, straight, bent or damn curly whirly as long as its owner knows how to handle it.

5. They’re colourful. Now I’m not here to give you a genetics lesson. OBVS penis colour relates to skin colour. But haven’t y’all seen a PURPLE ONE? Well not ACTUAL Aubergine emoji purple but one so veiny it had a purple or blue tinge to it. OR AN ANGRY RED ONE? Why you so angry boo? Be patient!

6. They sometimes stop working. I’m pretty sure most of us have been there. You’re with your guy, fumbling around, starting to get excited and wanting to get down on it. But ‘it’ just isn’t ready to get down on. You try all your best techniques. He tries his fail safe combinations but NOPE, NADDA. That penis just sits there and looks sadly at you like, ‘I’m so sorry I’m being shit. Please don’t hate me!’ And you have to pretend that you don’t hate it. BUT all is not lost. Sex isn’t always about P in V so start playing around – massage, stroke and kiss every other part of the body except there. There’s always next time.

7. They appear unawares. Now there’s a reason there’s no such thing as a ‘clit pic’ because for some reason, women don’t tend to take it upon themselves to send photos of their privates to unsuspecting and often unwilling participants. You might even be aware of that familiar feeling when an unrecognisable number or a ‘Name Tinder’ pops up on your whatsapp with the camera icon instead of a message declaring undying love and upon clicking it to open, you’re being greeted with an appendage. If it’s solicited, yep you crack on but WHY do guys do this out of the blue? Do they think they’re treating us? It’s not an 80% off ASOS code you’re dropping into my inbox fella! And what’s with the terrible angles and lighting? These guys need a photography license before being allowed to press send.

8. They can just crop up. Sometimes men just cannot control when they pop a boner. It can be sitting on a bus and feeling the vibrations just as easily as it can be from imagining what undies you’ve got on today. The poor souls then often just don’t know what to do with themselves! They can’t crack one out in public so they have to try and dampen the flames. They can however pester you to do something about it because, ‘Babes I’ve got frigging blue balls over here.’ NO SUCH THING BABES. Wait until you’re in the privacy of your own house then pull yourself around your room, just don’t wave it at me.

9. They taste funny. Sorry to be totes graphic but HEY IT’S ME. Anyone who has ever had a penis inside their mouth can testify that cum, or precum ain’t no Oreo Freakshake (see). The taste of penises range from bearable to unpleasant and a lot of factors influence this. Anything from what they’ve eaten, how clean they are or if they’ve smoked/been drinking can change the taste. I’m just going to help a sister out here but unless you’re addicted to Garam Masala maybs don’t offer a beej after bae has eaten a Bhuna.

10. They should be appreciated. Just like we are precious over our vaginas and can be insecure over their appearance, feel and taste, guys can also be protective of their peen. If you care about your man, worship at the altar of his wangle and never let on to the fact you wish it was bigger/hairier/tastier/veinier because then hopefully you’ll get the same love for your labia.

Please head over to Twitter and tell me MORE THINGS ABOUT PENISES. Also give this post a wee little share if you enjoyed it!

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  1. August 6, 2016 / 9:06 am

    Day old dick! That’s what we call it over here y’all. Genuinely giggled at this, that bhuna comment hahahaha

    Lacoconoire.com xx

  2. Nadine Heather
    August 6, 2016 / 6:36 pm

    My boyfriend just read all of this and was nodding the entire way through. As well as the odd choked laughter. Absolutely brilliant!

  3. August 29, 2016 / 11:27 am

    This is hilarious and brilliant!!! Love it!

  4. September 7, 2016 / 11:52 am

    Haha I love how entirely true this is. Was waiting for the freakshake reference, and you left it until #9 – cunning! 😉 Alice xx