Sex is bloody great. You can’t argue with that. It’s intimate, fun, passionate, exciting, satisfying and good for your emotional wellbeing. With the right person obvs. But it can also be pretty shite for a lot of reasons.
1. You’re just getting into it. Foreplay has been cray. You’re so ready to go the whole hog. You’re now on position 5 of 7 and you fart. FART. Not a fanny fart. Nope those are permitted due to the unbelievable amount of air being pushed inside your vag but an actual bum one. They are not permitted. They are not welcome and they only ever bloody happen when your legs are behind your ears.
2. Wow this guy makes you incredibly lubricated. How’s he doing that? What a wetness wizard. I don’t feel that excited though? There are no tingles? What’s happening? OH FUCK. He has my blood in his beard. I just started my period ON HIS FACE. HE HAS GONE FULL HANNIBAL LECTER. It’s ok, he doesn’t seem to mind. Phew. But my Zara sheets. Sob.
3. You’re with a guy you’ve fancied for ages. Maybe you’re even in a relationship with him. You find some time to diggity and you start with all the normal moves you’d expect. Bit of kissing. Bit of feeding the pony. Some neck nipping and lip biting but YOUR VAGINA DOES NOT CO-OPERATE. And now you’re in your head. Why aren’t you turned on? Do you not fancy him any more? Jesus don’t look at him, it’ll put you off! Did he just sigh? He’s bored now. His arm is aching! This is SO sexy.
4. Is there anything more nightmarish in sex than possibly suffering from an injury? Maybe you fall off the bed. Or knee him in the balls. Perhaps he accidently headbutts your vagina. Or MAYBE his penis is so large that it actually breaks you. In half. *cough*YASSS*cough*
5. The only time teeth should be bared during the act of love is for some consensual biting. Ain’t nothing going to bring on a softie quicker than a clash of teeth during snogging or even worse A DRAG OVER THE FORESKIN. It almost happens in slow motion. You feel your teeth suddenly not obeying the BJ rules and before you can stop them, they’ve made contact with cock and he’s withdrawing faster than the last £10 in your bank account.
6. Hopefully by the time you’re boning someone you know a bit about them. Maybe not their surname but at least a few signs of what they’re in to. Not to generalise, but if he’s dressed head to toe in latex, I’m going to venture a guess to him being a bit fruity. But sometimes you just don’t see the unexpected kink coming. Imagine being in the throes of lust and suddenly he whispers in your ear that he’d like you to tie his penis to his balls and punch them whilst calling him Captain.
7. Soz but sex is smelly. A good smell. A heady mix of sweat and flowing juices. But it’s pretty nightmarish when you unearth his bits from his boxers and an undeniable stench of disco balls wafts under your nose.
8. Drunk sex can go 2 ways. It can either be an inhibition free dream where you’re not afraid to try new things or be a bit more confident. Or it can be a terribly sad encounter with penises that don’t move and vaginas that don’t feel.
9. Sex can be pretty horrific if all you feel immediately afterwards is an overwhelming sense of shame. Maybe you did it earlier than you intended. Maybe one of the nightmares listed above occurred or perhaps, in the cold light of the morning, the bearded hunk you thought you brought back is actually just a weasel faced arse. Or an arse faced weasel.
10. Just like the unexpected kink, the unexpected dirty talk can be just as shocking and stomach turning. You thought he was a nice guy. He’s been perfectly polite up to now. Always minds his Ps and Qs. So why is he now calling you a ‘dirty cumbucket’. Step off pal.
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