Being in a relationship is always a ‘grass is greener’ situation. When you’re in one, you find yourself wondering what it would be like to be single again – to do your own thing, not to have to worry about the future,!amongst other thoughts. But when you’re single, you find yourself craving the good stuff – the cuddles, cunnilingus on tap and *that* butterfly feeling. However, the more I think about entering into a couple, the more I remember how much I hate the following things…
1. The Agg. When you care about someone deeply, you get frustrated with them over things ranging from them not texting you whilst out with their mates to forgetting your birthday. Something always crops up down the line that makes you want to throttle your other half. When you’re single, there’s no one around to piss you off quite like a boyfriend could.
2. The Rot. This is my term for that thing that happens when you’ve been with someone for such a long time that you virtually don’t even recognise their presence when you’re together. You get so used to each other than you don’t realise when they change their appearance or when they do something a little bit nice. They’re just there. And that’s when the complacency arises. You start not bothering to make an effort with each other and before you know it, date nights have been replaced by GBBO on the sofa and the sex is non existent.
3. The Resentment. Maybe something big happens in your relationship like lying or an infidelity. Maybe you choose to try and work through it. But the resentment lingers. And it always comes up in future arguments. Even if it’s over whose turn it is to load the dishwasher. ‘Maybe you should get Katie in the Office whose selfie you liked to do it, eh?’
4. The Fakeness. I’d say nine times out of ten you couldn’t give a shit about your partner’s work, family or friends. It’s not your job – you’ve got enough to be worrying about with your own. They aren’t your family so you don’t quite know why you have to put up with their racist Auntie and you wouldn’t choose these people to be your friends in a million years. But you have to keep up The Fakeness. The smile you plaster on for 7 hours during a stay with their family or the feigned interest in their best mate’s new girlfriend who only blows him after he’s bought her perfume. It’s tedious and wearing.
5. The Obligations. Work parties, friend’s weddings, family dinners, hosting the boys for a poker night. The list of things you *have* to do to keep the peace and make your other half happy is endless. Especially when all you want to do is rewatch Sherlock and have a wank.
6. The Comprimise. This Sunday I slept in til 12, tidied my house, wrote some blog posts and ordered a curry. If I had a fella on the scene, the TV would be on the Six Nations and he might decide he had curry in the week and would prefer a pizza. JUST LET ME LIVE.
7. The Peck. You know when you’ve just gotten with someone and the hunger to devour every inch of them is permanently there? You find yourself getting fanny flutters at work whilst you drift off thinking of the boning you got last night or you mentally tick things of your checklist for your next dick appointment? Wax, check. Lingerie cleaned, check. His favourite beer in the fridge, check. When you’ve just gotten with someone, there’s no such thing as a peck. Every physical connection leads to a passionate snogging sesh. Except when you’re in a relationship, it’s always THE PECK. Heavy make out sessions are replaced with THE PECK. At the end of a date you leave each other with THE PECK. And instead of falling asleep with his protruding erection bothering you in the back and his tongue in your ear, you say goodnight with THE PECK.
Bear in mind I’ve only ever been in shitty relationships, hence my singledom, but it’s hard to not dread these characteristics of a long term relationship. Someone come and give me the faith that their relationship is NOT LIKE THIS. Give me hope!