A single girl and her phone is a wondrous partnership. It’s her Hotline to an evening of Bling. (I’m so down). It’s her portal to a world of fuckboys, ghosters and the occasional nice person AND it enables a whole host of social media stalkertainment.
But it’s also dangerous. Of course the world at your fingertips is a beautiful innovation HOWEVER the availability of information and ease of communication brings out the crazy in everyone. So here are 5 phone hacks we could all do with.
Hey girl, you know that guy who you were obsessed with, told all your mates about, fantasised about a future with who subsequently trampled over your already blackening heart? Yeah, don’t text him at 2am professing how much you miss him and you don’t mind if he fucks you about if he would just come for a late night spoon.
We’ve been there. There’s something about 7 double G&Ts or your 14th friend getting engaged that makes us miss what we thought we had. If our phones just had a handy little tool that stopped us from messaging anyone that screwed us over, we’d never wake up at 9am with a squinty look of regret at our screens again.
There’s something within some modern men that convinces them that sending badly lit and awkwardly angled penis pictures to girls is a brilliant idea. Any girls. Girls they’ve matched. Girls they’ve dated. Girls they’ve been in relationships with and then dumped. Nothing stops them.
Don’t get me wrong. On the occasion they may be a welcome little surprise, like the email in our inbox promising us 50% off Boohoo purchases, but on the whole they’re creepy and unwarranted. If only our mobiles had a setting that degraded these images. Or at least replaced the errant erection with an emoji or a Salt Bae gif.
Oh to be able to watch an Instagram Story without letting the guy we fancy know we’re obsessed with him. Obviously at times, sending an Insta heart or an RT serves the purpose of letting our crush know WE’RE STILL HERE, ATTENTION US.
But boy are there times where we wish we could just stalk in peace. We’re glued to Snapchat waiting for the next part of your story to see which girl you’re out with but we don’t want you to know, we know, you don’t like us any more. Could our smartphones do us a favour and just let us go incognito once in a while?
Remember about 15 years ago when Bluetooth was introduced and you’d be sitting in your local Spoons for Curry Club Thursdays with your college crew and ANYONE in the pub could connect to you on Bluetooth and send you a pic?
Imagine our phones could do that whilst you’re propping up your local craft beer bar hoping to bag a bearded beauty? ‘Vix Meldrew has an incoming message for you… ACCEPT?’
‘Oh hi slightly less hot Tom Hardy lookalike wearing the check shirt, I want to stroke you, mine’s a Camden Pale Ale and dance with me to R Kelly, yeah?’
As I’ve professed before, I’m the Stephen Fry of sexting (there’s a post I cba to link because I’m on a coach and writing this on my phone so be a doll and use the search feature, k) BUT sometimes there’s only so many ways you can say ‘stroke my clit’.
So alongside our emoji keyboard, it’d be fab if we could have a bank of terms to wank with. Perhaps synonyms for swallow or alternatives to anal?
I tell you what my phone *does* do… it puts ‘Copacabana’ on my playlist shuffle and I’m so flicking happy right now. Flicking was an autocorrect and I love my phone for it.
What do you wish your mobile did for you?