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5 Phone Hacks Every Single Girl Needs

A single girl and her phone is a wondrous partnership. It’s her Hotline to an evening of Bling. (I’m so down). It’s her portal to a world of fuckboys, ghosters and the occasional nice person AND it enables a whole host of social media stalkertainment.

But it’s also dangerous. Of course the world at your fingertips is a beautiful innovation HOWEVER the availability of information and ease of communication brings out the crazy in everyone. So here are 5 phone hacks we could all do with.

Auto-block

Hey girl, you know that guy who you were obsessed with, told all your mates about, fantasised about a future with who subsequently trampled over your already blackening heart? Yeah, don’t text him at 2am professing how much you miss him and you don’t mind if he fucks you about if he would just come for a late night spoon.

We’ve been there. There’s something about 7 double G&Ts or your 14th friend getting engaged that makes us miss what we thought we had. If our phones just had a handy little tool that stopped us from messaging anyone that screwed us over, we’d never wake up at 9am with a squinty look of regret at our screens again.

Dick-Pic Pixelator

There’s something within some modern men that convinces them that sending badly lit and awkwardly angled penis pictures to girls is a brilliant idea. Any girls. Girls they’ve matched. Girls they’ve dated. Girls they’ve been in relationships with and then dumped. Nothing stops them.

Don’t get me wrong. On the occasion they may be a welcome little surprise, like the email in our inbox promising us 50% off Boohoo purchases, but on the whole they’re creepy and unwarranted. If only our mobiles had a setting that degraded these images. Or at least replaced the errant erection with an emoji or a Salt Bae gif.

Secret Stalk

Oh to be able to watch an Instagram Story without letting the guy we fancy know we’re obsessed with him. Obviously at times, sending an Insta heart or an RT serves the purpose of letting our crush know WE’RE STILL HERE, ATTENTION US.

But boy are there times where we wish we could just stalk in peace. We’re glued to Snapchat waiting for the next part of your story to see which girl you’re out with but we don’t want you to know, we know, you don’t like us any more. Could our smartphones do us a favour and just let us go incognito once in a while?

Bluetooth Dating

Remember about 15 years ago when Bluetooth was introduced and you’d be sitting in your local Spoons for Curry Club Thursdays with your college crew and ANYONE in the pub could connect to you on Bluetooth and send you a pic?

Imagine our phones could do that whilst you’re propping up your local craft beer bar hoping to bag a bearded beauty? ‘Vix Meldrew has an incoming message for you… ACCEPT?’

‘Oh hi slightly less hot Tom Hardy lookalike wearing the check shirt, I want to stroke you, mine’s a Camden Pale Ale and dance with me to R Kelly, yeah?’

Sext Thesaurus

As I’ve professed before, I’m the Stephen Fry of sexting (there’s a post I cba to link because I’m on a coach and writing this on my phone so be a doll and use the search feature, k) BUT sometimes there’s only so many ways you can say ‘stroke my clit’.

So alongside our emoji keyboard, it’d be fab if we could have a bank of terms to wank with. Perhaps synonyms for swallow or alternatives to anal?

I tell you what my phone *does* do… it puts ‘Copacabana’ on my playlist shuffle and I’m so flicking happy right now. Flicking was an autocorrect and I love my phone for it.

What do you wish your mobile did for you?

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7 Comments
  • Jenny
    January 21, 2017

    Love how hilarious your posts are! They always make me giggle and they’re always so true too!

  • Mel
    January 21, 2017

    Ha, love it! I remember the day of good old infared connecting on mobukes!

    Mel ★ http://www.meleaglestone.co.uk

  • Eloise
    January 21, 2017

    Oh how I’d love a secret stalk. The amount of times I’ve been stalking someone’s instagram and accidently liked a picture from 24322 years ago….the shame.

  • Yasmina
    January 22, 2017

    Secret Stalking would be the best invention ever, perhaps a dick detecter too so an alarm goes off when your near a prick and then you know to stay well away! I always love your posts! 🙂 xx

    Yasmina | The July Journal

  • Erin
    January 22, 2017

    I would just love my phone to make stalking easier, like a link to Facebook, IG, snapchat everything before you even get into meeting, so I can see how much of a creep they are before getting to know them lol I am all for the dick pick changer though – no one has got time to see a random dick pic from a random guy. It’s not hot!

    Erin || MakeErinOver

  • abigail
    January 22, 2017

    LOL at Dick-Pic pixelator, love it!

    Abigail Alice ?

  • Victoria
    January 25, 2017

    This is hilarious!! Love it! <3

    http://victorialouisekblogs.blogspot.co.uk/

    Victoria

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