If you’re anything like me, you lead life going from one extreme to the other. You’re either so chill that a rejection from a boy doesn’t phase you and your best friend getting a new best friend completely goes over the top of your head OR before you know it, you’re 17 weeks deep in Carly from his work’s Instagram to find out just when he started shagging her. NO INBETWEEN. So if you do place yourself on the more extreme end of the spectrum, you’ll definitely recognise yourself in this…
(Photo credit: Kaye Ford)
1. That guy who slid into your DMs, who you’re now chatting too is ALSO talking to that beaut of a blonde girl. GO AND LIKE EVERY TWEET BETWEEN THEM. Cock blocking in 140 characters.
2. That babe who works behind the bar at the pub you always go to? You know, the one that looks like a chubby Tom Hardy? Order your drinks from him. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. ‘Excuse me, what drink would you like?’ NOT TODAY SAM, I want to see this hunk of meat pour my 17th G&T until he loves me. Oh and you obviously stand on tiptoes so that you reach the bar and he can get a good look at your cleavage. Just don’t do that thing where you try to take a seductive swig before heading back to the dance floor and accidentally miss your mouth. NOT CHILL.
3. Your best mate has just uploaded an Insta story where she’s partying with her other mates without inviting you. You of course decide now’s the time to write that paggy Facebook status all about ‘realising who you’re true friends are’ and tag everyone but her.
4. So you matched on Tinder and the conversation flowed all night, you said goodnight and decided to resume conversation the next day. The conversation was not resumed. You give it about 5 minutes before you’re asking him if he died only to have massive egg on your face when he tells you he’s actually just been at work all day and if you’d waited til,
Oh I don’t know, 7pm, he would’ve messaged you.
5. The girl who you’ve decided is your Twitter best friend (who may or may not know that) who you send hilarious gifs to all day is now in a gif-off with another person. Time to slide into her DMs asking if you’ve done anything wrong.
6. So you were ghosted. Things were going well. The conversation was constant, until it wasn’t. And by ghosted I mean he took longer than an hour to reply. You move him to the Whatsapp Graveyard, vow it’s over and redownload Bumble, only for him to reply a couple of hours later because you forgot he said he was going to the cinema with his housemate.
7. Your manager sends you an email about the reports you haven’t done yet. You know what Tina, bore off. You pound the high street at lunchtime and weigh up not going back. Who needs work anyway? You’re so sick of her shit that you’ve signed up to LinkedIn and started mentally typing up your notice before break, only for her to apologise for being so snappy and for you to get back into your box.
DISCLAIMER: I haven’t actually done any of these things. Of course. You believe me, right?
Which ones have you done?
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