8 Sex Things I Don’t Yet Get

Hopefully by now you know you can come to my little space here to read a variety of posts on sex related topics. I’d consider myself non judgemental and open minded when it comes to other’s preferences however that doesn’t mean I understand why people like being shat on whilst lying under a coffee table. So here are 8 sex acts I’m not currently onboard with but could be convinced otherwise. Unless it’s defecating. Never defecating.

1. Tit wank. I get that a big pair of soft, lubed up boobs sliding up and down a penis can be considered hot. But being pale and flat chested with nipples that virtually poke the mattress when I lay down I can only imagine that trying to get a tit wank off me is like rubbing your penis on a piece of A4. My tits are so flat you could get a paper cut, how can I get onboard with that?

2. Golden shower. Sorry, you want to piss on me, WHUT. Now I know the background of this is a kick out of humiliation and degradation which I can see can be sexy for some. PLAY ON PISSA. But if I’m drunk and trying to access a club loo at 2am and a bit of my own wee touches the back of my thigh, I’m making faces like Michelle made at the Inauguration, never mind anyone else’s pee dribbling on me. I will just add that I have never been asked to engage in this act but I *have*  been spooning with someone who I’m sure wiped a bit of wee on me after he came back from the loo. Not sexy.

3. Calling someone ‘Daddy’. I barely speak to my father so I can’t imagine why I’d want to bring his name into the act of getting bucked by my latest squeeze. People try and sexy it up with ‘Papi’ and ‘Mami’ but all I’m thinking is ‘bit of a Daily Mail reading, Strongbow loving arsewipe’ and that ain’t getting me off.

4. ‘My little slut’. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m all over the filth talk but start calling me a slut or a bitch and I dry up quicker than Melania looking at Trump’s wilting face. I’m kind of noticing a pattern that maybe I’m not that clued up on  kinks of dominance and submission so maybe that’s why I don’t quite ‘get it’ yet. If Jamie Dornan wants to take a break from filming 50 Shades and come and share some of his research though, I’d be SO DOWN.

5. Finger in my bum. Apparently it’s an erogenous zone. Apparently it gives you a sense of feeling ‘full’, especially when your other orifices are occupied. But whenever a finger goes towards that area, my mind instantly wanders to wondering how hairy it’s gotten since my last Hollywood and FFS why can’t you just play with my clit.

6. Face-fucking. Listen mate, if you want a blowjob, I’ll give one like the best of em. But why are you trying to stab my tonsils with your penis? I can TOTALLY see why this act of giving over control can be wonderful for some, I’m just sat there worrying when my gag reflex is going to finally let me down and praying I don’t puke.

7. Rimming. Now my friends have just read this word and gone, ‘Mate r u mad, you constantly talk about eating ass,’ and they’d be right. I love a mischievious poke of the tongue up a man’s bum, mid blow job. I enjoy inching my mouth closer to that area and feel him squirm or giggle or groan with pleasure. But do it to me and I want to knee you in the nose. WHY THE HYPOCRISY? I don’t know. But when I’m in my cunnilingus rhythm, feeling breath/wetness inching closer to my bum, puts me REET OFF. Let me reiterate – get back to my clit bruv, I’m not prepared for this. And that was JUST A QUEEF, OK?

8. Threesomes. Ugh I can’t think of anything worse! Me, another woman and a man. He’s going to be looking at both of us like, ‘she’s got an amazing pair of tits. Hers are a bit saggy’, ‘fuck she gives amazing head but why is she acting like she’s licking a Calyppo?’, ‘oh yeah this one’s fanny is so tight but this one’s like losing a chapstick in a ruck sack’. Imagine how horrific that would be? The constant comparison! The other girl would feel TERRIBLE about herself.

Didn’t see that coming did ya?

So there we have all the sex bits and bobs I’m not quite up to speed with YET. Emphasis on the YET because sex is a wondrous and magical thing in all of its forms, I might just not be that informed at the moment.

Which sex things do you need genning up on before diving into?

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  1. Mike
    January 30, 2017 / 7:16 am

    I love the twist at the end! Hahaha.

    As always insightful, interesting and very funny!

  2. January 30, 2017 / 9:04 am

    I am crying – I just love shit like this!! You really have such a way with words ?

  3. January 30, 2017 / 2:27 pm

    There are often so many moments when I read something and I sit there puzzled thinking Ehhh?! A bit of googling later usually solves it, but actually of everything I’ve ever actually had to google, I can’t say any of them have been much of a turn on! Just shows how different everyone is, because whilst I grimace at the thought of licking someones bum hole, I don’t mind at all if a wandering finger finds mine. Haha now that feels rebellious writing that on the internet, I can’t imagine how you must feel *ahem* revealing all! Alice xxx

  4. Rosie
    January 30, 2017 / 7:55 pm

    With you on all of these apart from the rimming. I don;t mind a little stray tongue action myself but would NEVER do it back to my husband. Luckily, he’s not into having anything in his ass and for that, I’m truly thankful.

  5. Lucy
    January 30, 2017 / 8:05 pm

    This post honestly made me laugh so much, but its so relatable! The whole tit job thing, I feel you girl!

    Lucy | Forever September

  6. January 30, 2017 / 8:42 pm

    I’m with you on all of these though I’ll take a bit of number 7 here and there. I’m with Alice on feeling rebellious online – love it X

    Hollie | itshollieann.com

  7. February 4, 2017 / 1:24 pm

    I thought golden showers were a thing of the past? People still see them as a turn on? Uuuurrhggggh never!

    Mel ★ http://www.meleaglestone.co.uk

  8. Ellis Woolley
    February 6, 2017 / 9:54 pm

    I LOVE the way you write, I laughed the entire way through this post! Now addicted to your blog 🙂 x

  9. Sheriden
    February 7, 2017 / 11:09 pm

    This was such a funny read lol. I still haven’t quite understood pegging just yet (despite doing it once in a past relationship), I applaud the men who are confident enough in their sexuality to indulge in acts of pleasure that present no danger to others. Women too, of course. Gotta support my ladies!

  10. erin
    February 11, 2017 / 12:44 am

    This is hilarious! Your style of writing is so great 🙂

  11. February 12, 2017 / 1:14 pm

    Golden shower sounds just wrong to me, but I do understand that some people like to degrade others, although I do not understand why. And although kinky talk can be fun, talking in a degrading way does not, well at least to me. I really enjoyed reading this though, you can really make the whole thing witty 🙂