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Chivalry Is Dead: The 4 Outdated Dating Traditions That Need To Die Too

In 2018, women march through streets, holding placards and chastising those who stand in the way of equality.

In 2018, women are saying Times Up, Me Too and bringing to light every situation in where the power balance between them and others has fallen significantly out of their favour and have caused them often irreparable harm.

In 2018, a man asked me out for dinner whilst standing 4cms away from him in an elevator and was met the with the response,

'Mate this is 2018, no-one approaches women in this way. It's scary, inappropriate and creepy as fuck.'

Instead of the pre-2018 rhetoric of, 'sorry I have a boyfriend/here's a fake number/please don't kill me if I turn you down.'

So why is it, in 2018, that some of us STILL hold up out-dated traditions when it comes to relationships that not only halt progress towards equality but actively shift it out of our favour?

chivalry

Playing Hard To Get

Pre-2018 daters used this tactic because: dating bloggers, women's glossies and men's 'pick up' advice books suggested that we understand that the people we are trying to date really are interested when they play 'hard to get'.

When we turn them down repeatedly.

When we don't show any interest.

When we actively say, 'no thank you.'

When we don't pick up the phone.

That means we want them.

Is it any wonder then, that there is a generation of entitled people? When 'no means no' isn't really the case? Where there is a belief that, 'no actually means yes please but it's Opposite Day'.

2018 daters are leaving the games behind. Because in this current climate, where we are ALL learning about consent and the attitudes to relationships - playing hard to get actually reinforces the belief that no doesn't really mean no.

In 2018, daters are going for what they want with strength, confidence and ferocity because ain't nobody go time for waiting for 3 days to send a text.

Waiting To Bone

What are the arguments that people give for why you shouldn't boff someone over the first coffee? 

  • 'They might get the wrong impression.'
  • 'They'll think you're easy.'
  • 'You won't be relationship material.'
  • 'You won't be wifey.'
  • 'You could get hurt.'

And why are all of these arguments against first dating mating COMPLETELY MISOGYNISTIC?

Pre-2018 (waaay pre - you'd hope- really but y'know), we didn't want to people to think bad of us for liking sex. We weren't THAT clued up on safe sex and we really, really took it upon ourselves to make sure we didn't get raped or murdered.

But not in 2018, Janet. Because in 2018, we know that a person's sexual history or choices bears no resemblance to who they are as a person. That your GP REALLY likes it when his wife wees on him. And your high-school teacher can still teach you algebra even though she enjoys sending nude photos to her boyfriend and your best mate, who you've known since primary school bloody loves a pegging.

We all love sex and are becoming bolder in our voices to share that love. Education is progressing and the responsibility for ensuring that sex (on the first date or whenever) is safe lies with all parties involved.

Above all else, in this post-Weinsten era we no longer accept an onus on us to protect ourselves from being harmed - we're throwing that onto the rapists, murderers and abusers to ensure THEY are responsible for not murdering, raping or abusing anyone.

Men Should Pay For The First Date

Jesus fuck do we know how the gender pay gap benefits (mainly straight, white) men but really - does that mean they should pay for all first dates ever as a way to shift that balance back? Abso not.

Throughout history, paying on the first date was seen as some sort of code for; he likes me, he's interested, he earns more (or he wants sex) BUT WE NEED TO MAKE NEW HISTORY.

HOW is equality going to progress if it doesn't go both ways? How are people going to see each other as equal when a ridiculous construct like who pays for what remains in place?

WHY do we put stock into whether a man pays or not as a quality we want in our men? When we should be looking more deeply at how they treat other people, how much emotional labour they are capable of undertaking or more simply - which way they vote, whether they identify as feminist and how much they tip.

And in 2018, how can you identify as a feminist if you would discount a man purely over whether he offers to pay or not? Does that then give them free reign to judge us on equally ridiculous caveats?

chivalry

Don't Be The Nice Guy

The Nice Guy finishes last. Women love a bad boy. 

Messages we were fed growing up that reinforce toxic masculinity.

Beliefs that reinforce that a man showing sensitivity, keenness and emotional awareness is less of a man than Daniel, the guy who fucked someone else in the bathroom on your second date and pretended he forgot your name when you texted him to ask about that second date.

We've forgiven, allowed and cultured shitty behaviour in men for far too long.

The mantra of 'boys should be boys' backs up the notion that men shouldn't appear too nice as they will always be left on the bench.

NOT IN 2018, QUEENS.

Because in a day where allegations against our favourite Hollywood bad-boys and stories of abuse that we suffer from arseholes on a daily basis continually come to light, we work together to re-write this narrative.

We date nice men. 

We seek to build relationships with feminists. With guys who are open to their inbuilt notions of masculinity being challenged and with men who do not display behaviours that are the foundations of rape culture in a bid to woo us.

This year, we question WHY we hold these archaic notions of romance and relationships and seek to better our understanding of the progression of equality.

Chivalry may be dead but in its ashes, equality can rise from the flames.

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19 Comments
  • Demilade
    January 25, 2018

    Hell yes to this post! If someone truly fancies you and you feel the same way, why play hard to get? If the person loses interest because you were ‘too easy’ to get, it just shows you their true colour. Certainly not the kind of person you want. And as for the first date thing, I’m of the opinion that whoever does the asking out should pay. It’s just fairer that way. These dating ‘principles’ have been ingrained in society for so long so there’s quite a lot of unlearning involved but it’s totally doable. Great post! xx

    Coco Bella Blog

  • Laura
    January 25, 2018

    Really wish we could ditch all this nonsense in 2018.
    Can we also add:
    – Don´t be the first one to say “I love you”
    – Don´t let him see you without make up

    xXx
    Laura
    https://unspeakablethoughtsunspoken.blogspot.co.uk/

  • katie
    January 26, 2018

    amen amen amen. ive never understood the men paying for meals thing. erm…i earn a living too thank you and i can certainly afford a steak and some chips, pal!

    katie. xx lacoconoire.com

  • Madeleine
    January 26, 2018

    Maybe it’s because we’re old soon to be marrieds not young dating things but C and I take turns to pay for dates (Not strict turns but sometimes I pay for dinner, sometimes he does) but as long as no one gets stuck doing the washing up in lieu of paying, then it doesn’t really matter.

  • Sarah
    January 26, 2018

    Dating baffles me these days! The amount of people who say to me, ‘OH I saw him on Tue but I won’t text/ring him till Sat’ – When I ask ‘why?’ they reply with, ‘He can’t think I’m that easy’. One friend told me a guy had asked her on Thursday if she wanted to go out Friday night….she said NO and her reasoning? Too short notice, he can’t think I’m at his beck and call’. So I ask her, ‘Do you LIKE him?’ – yes. ‘Do you WANT to see him again?’ – yes. SO why the bloody hell did you say no?

    ‘Because, that’s what you do’.

    Fecking hell! Honestly, if I was to find myself single I’d just stay that way!

    Sarah 🙂
    Saloca in Wonderland

  • Emily Clarkson
    January 26, 2018

    I ADORE YOU!!!!!!!

  • Louise Williams
    January 26, 2018

    Whoever still thinks playing hard to get is a good idea needs a reality check. We can order a banging new outfit and be wearing it the next day, we aren’t going to be waiting days for a message reply. We don’t like waiting anymore. Take your time and you’ll miss your chance.
    I got so fed up with how dragged out Tinder conversations were that when my now-bf asked me for coffee pretty much straight away, it was like a breath of fresh air. I was all about that life. See something you like? Grab it (not literally, obvs, your not Weinstein).

    The last few years I’ve really struggled with the whole ‘who pays’ thing. As someone who actually gets paid a fair amount for a young woman, I don’t want to not pay for stuff. I work hard, I earn good money and I want to be able to use it. There’s nothing worse than not being able to do stuff (go for food, weekends away, holidays, etc.) because the guy can’t afford it and doesn’t like the girl paying.

  • Abi Street
    January 26, 2018

    I’ve always been a believer that costs should be split on dates, I’ve never really understood the ‘women never pay’ thing. It drives me insane when girls say they’d never speak to a boy again if he didn’t pay it all

    Abi | abistreetx/a>

  • Mel Eaglestone
    January 27, 2018

    Nah, fuck boys and bad boys can all do one! Nice guys get the girl ?

    Mel ✨
    meleaglestone.co.uk
    @meleaglestone

  • Steph Dring
    January 27, 2018

    Some people go on dates just to get it paid for. They expect the man to pay but why? I thought we all wanted to be equal. Split the goddamn bill!

    Steph x
    http://www.wanderlustpulse.com

  • Danielle
    January 27, 2018

    This is such a great post, there is so much that we need to ditch in 2018!

    Danielle xx
    http://www.fashionbeautyblog.co.uk/

  • Natalie
    January 28, 2018

    Is it just me that feels a bit sorry for the guy in the lift? I quite like his daring and don’t find it creepy at all! Fair dos for you to say no, that is your absolute right and that’s the chance he takes for asking but I don’t think there should be a rule about men never being able to approach women in this way. Maybe there are just too many dating rules full stop these days. It all feels like such hard work when did it stop being fun?

  • Kate Roberts
    January 29, 2018

    This is one of the best blog posts I’ve ever read. I totally agree with what you’ve written & think it’s time for us all to change our out dated attitudes.

    Kate x
    http://www.kateiscoveting.wordpress.com

  • Sarah @WonderlandBlogs
    January 29, 2018

    Massive fuck yeah to this post, Vix!!! I literally have nothing else to say but that because this was such an awesome read.

    Sarah | sarahinwonderland.co.uk <3

  • LT | Reforming spendthrift
    January 30, 2018

    Yas Kween!

    I’m all over this post. I hope everyone shares it. Especially the point about paying for a first date because only last week I saw some women saying how “old fashioned” they are and how they wouldn’t see a man for a second date if he offered to split the bill on the first date. I always thought that ‘tradition’ alluded to a trade of money for sex. In effect it’s socially acceptable prostitution. And everyone should be better than that.

  • Dany Queen
    January 31, 2018

    Absolutely loved this post! In a time where the fight for equality and justice ha become so prominent, we need t seriously reevaluate and reform so many of our everyday actions and ideas. xx

    Dany | Danielle Reine

  • Alastair
    February 1, 2018

    Given Tinder and Bumble are absolute bollocks; I’m really interested in understanding how best a woman would like to be approached. I understand approaching someone maybe come across awkward and easily misconstrued; and I AM NOT excusing the vast amount of men which are complete fucktards for being massive creepoids; however in an age where everyone wants instant gratification it can be really hard for both men and women to make their interests in someone clear; particularly when people’s lives move at the rate they do. Dating eh?

  • Charlotte
    February 1, 2018

    Yep, all of these, especially the first. I am someone who is upfront and bored of these stupid games. If I see a message, I reply straight away. If I’m busy, I don’t. Either should be fine and neither should be seen as an attempt to play hard to get. It’s stuff like this that means the guys you are interested in run a mile and the one’s you aren’t think you are flirting with them. In 2018, it’s just fucking annoying and puts me right off dating to be honest!

    https://my20staughtme.wordpress.com/

  • Tracy
    February 6, 2018

    Mad love for this post. Last year around this time I wrote a post with this very sentiment about how women have been hard wired to think/act a certain way when it comes to men and relationships. It needs to stop. I’ve been spouting this for over a year so I’m happy to see that someone else out there feels the same way!

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