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He’s Just Not That Into You

If you haven’t read the book of the same title as this post, CAN YA ALREADY? Single or loved up, it’s essential reading. In fact, I single handedly credit it with helping me get over a 5 year relationship at the age of 26. For those of you that haven’t flipped through, it’s a collection of ‘Dear Deidre’s where women bemoan their latest squeeze’s actions to be met with a very straightforward response.

He’s Just Not That Into You

I’m sorry gang but sometimes, we just need to hear it.

When I’m dating, I LOVE the chase. Those early moments when your new guy is texting you constantly and is eagerly arranging dates. What I HATE is any moment I’m left wondering if he’s into me or not.

You’ll recognise that feeling. Maybe he’s stopped arranging dates. Or the periods between texts are getting longer. Or the compliments about your ridiculous ass have become thinner on the ground. Whatever it is, a woman’s intuition kicks in and the doubt over his feelings and intentions kick in.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and have come to a conclusion. One I want to print off and frame and one I want you all to not only see but really understand…

Any time you have to question if a guy’s into you, HE’S NOT.

Now, we love to make excuses for guys. He’s busy. He’s tired. He’s not much of a talker. He’s not sure of his schedule. Maybe he’s playing it cool. Maybe he’s scared of getting hurt. Maybe he’s speaking to other people.

I’m sorry but, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Fuck it sounds so brutal. BUT it might just be what we need to hear.

Here’s how I’ve come to this conclusion. Last year I dated 1 guy (out of the HOWEVER many I met) who I was SURE was into me. Let’s call him The Ego-Maniac (for reasons I’ll explain at another time). How did I know? I know because I never questioned if he liked me. He’d text all the time. He’d arrange fun dates. He’d pay me compliments. He’d make me sit on his face repeatedly. He always asked me when I was free. He wasn’t on any dating sites and he suggested plans for the future. At no point in our time together did I question if he liked me. Don’t get me wrong, I questioned loooooaaaads of other things. But I felt confident that he dug my shit.

But back to the other guys. Every. Single. One. At points, made me stare at my phone and wonder why there was no message. Each of them became more and more distant, which made me need more and more reassurance that they liked me. They inevitably didn’t. They either ghosted or told me they didn’t see it going anywhere.

But did I need them to tell me? Or did the fact they didn’t treat me like The Ego-Maniac tell me everything I needed to know?

As frustrating as it is, the old adage is true (for a large part without trying to overgeneralise too much) guys will chase what they want.

If they ain’t chasing, they ain’t wanting.

That’s a really hard pill to swallow. And an awful lesson to learn because our inevitable reactions will be to question what we did wrong. Why we weren’t enough and what else could we have done.

Having learned this lesson, I’m attempting (although my WhatsApp screenshots and conversations with mates might tell a different story) to approach things differently.

My approach will be as follows: if I like someone, I will make an effort. If I don’t get at least the same amount of effort back then it’s bin emoji time for them.

Alongside this approach needs a hella strong mindset though. We need to understand that someone not being into us is not a slight on us as amazingly, sexy, beautiful people but just a natural and justified circumstance. We know we’ve liked someone at some point but just not been that into them. It doesn’t mean they’re awful or have done anything wrong, we just didn’t feel it. It’s absolutely Ok if someone feels like that about us.

Sometimes it feels like you’ll never meet someone who is really into you. But it’s better to wait than to settle for the one that just is not that into you.

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15 Comments
  • Ms London
    January 17, 2017

    Hey.
    Great post and so true!!
    I’ve just come off Tinder as it was having more of a negative effect on me than anything, I guess my mindset isn’t that strong at the moment. Surely it shouldn’t be this difficult?
    I’d rather just not bother than put myself through all that rubbish. Don’t get me wrong, there were a few fun dates thrown in, but most of it seems to be dealing with BS..

  • Rosie
    January 17, 2017

    So, what’s the story with The Egomaniac? Were you just not that into him in the end?

  • Erin
    January 17, 2017

    this is the story of my life, haha, such a nightmare! But I am so ok with it now – it used to upset me – but I just don’t have the energy to care anymore! lol

    Erin || MakeErinOver

  • Alice
    January 17, 2017

    There was one particularly guy whilst I was at uni where dating really really stung for this exact reason – I felt like I’d struck gold and pretty much fell head over heels, but he (obvious to me now, but at the time…nope!) was just not into me. Cue a huge amount of heartbreak and time spent questioning every little bit of myself as to why I wasn’t good enough for him to want to text back/see me as much as I could see him, and now, even this morning he pops up on social media as he’s just had a baby. Years and years later, regardless of how happy I am now, it still made me feel a bit sick! Sometimes, though it’s seriously hard to see when you don’t want to believe it, you just have to say FUCK IT and move on…! Alice xxx

    http://www.woodenwindowsills.co.uk

  • Jenny
    January 17, 2017

    Everything you’ve said is so true – everyone who is single needs to read this! x

  • Liza
    January 18, 2017

    This is so true! I actually finally realised it about guys when I thought about my own perspective. There were some guys that liked me and I never really bothered to reply and only occasionally made an effort. I just wasn’t in to them, which was no reflection on them but they weren’t my kind of guy. When I like someone they know about it, and I’ll make every effort to make it work. Applying this to my own perspective when a guy was being distant was SO LIBERATING. Isn’t it better to wait for the one that actually cares? Great post xx

  • Lubna
    January 18, 2017

    Great post – I do think even shy guys will not hesitate to let you know if they’re interested, regardless of if you give him signals or not. Hell, I’ve had guys I’ve not been the slightest bit interested in ask me out, even after I’ve declined.

    If a guy’s really into you, he WILL make the effort. However, dating these days involves so much game-playing, things aren’t so cut and dry anymore. A lot of ego and stubbornness can cause people to seem like they’re not interested when they actually are. I’ve been guilty of this too.

    – Lubna
    http://www.thedigitalreview.co.uk/

  • Lubna
    January 18, 2017

    Relatable post – I do think even shy guys will not hesitate to let you know if they’re interested, regardless of if you give him signals or not. Hell, I’ve had guys I’ve not been the slightest bit interested in ask me out, even after I’ve declined.

    If a guy’s really into you, he WILL make the effort. However, dating these days involves so much game-playing, things aren’t so cut and dry anymore. A lot of ego and stubbornness can cause people to seem like they’re not interested when they actually are. I’ve been guilty of this too.

    – Lubna
    http://www.thedigitalreview.co.uk

  • Lynsey MacGregor
    January 19, 2017

    Great post….honest & so true. Vix I love your posts ❤

  • Dany Queen
    January 20, 2017

    New to your blog and I absolutely love how cut and dry it is! Very refreshing to read something that isn’t sugarcoated but instead incredibly honest, no matter how hard it is to hear.

    xx Dany | The Queens Empire

  • Bronnie
    January 22, 2017

    I love that book! It’s helped me through many a day/night of “why isn’t he calling?”.
    It also helped me with break ups – knowing someone out there would want to spend their time with me forever and always. It was a great positive attitude to have after my ass just got dumped.

    Loving your blog!

  • Halina Vie Choufleur
    January 27, 2017

    This was an awesome post! I wish, WISH I’d had this to read 6 years ago. 7 years ago. 8 years ago. Basically, wish this had been a Set Text at some point during high school. It’s so, SO true.

  • Stacie
    February 1, 2017

    Love this post! Hell, I might tell my lovesick teenage students to read this…

  • Gabriela
    February 8, 2017

    THIS POST <3

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