If you haven’t read the book of the same title as this post, CAN YA ALREADY? Single or loved up, it’s essential reading. In fact, I single handedly credit it with helping me get over a 5 year relationship at the age of 26. For those of you that haven’t flipped through, it’s a collection of ‘Dear Deidre’s where women bemoan their latest squeeze’s actions to be met with a very straightforward response.
He’s Just Not That Into You
I’m sorry gang but sometimes, we just need to hear it.
When I’m dating, I LOVE the chase. Those early moments when your new guy is texting you constantly and is eagerly arranging dates. What I HATE is any moment I’m left wondering if he’s into me or not.
You’ll recognise that feeling. Maybe he’s stopped arranging dates. Or the periods between texts are getting longer. Or the compliments about your ridiculous ass have become thinner on the ground. Whatever it is, a woman’s intuition kicks in and the doubt over his feelings and intentions kick in.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and have come to a conclusion. One I want to print off and frame and one I want you all to not only see but really understand…
Any time you have to question if a guy’s into you, HE’S NOT.
Now, we love to make excuses for guys. He’s busy. He’s tired. He’s not much of a talker. He’s not sure of his schedule. Maybe he’s playing it cool. Maybe he’s scared of getting hurt. Maybe he’s speaking to other people.
I’m sorry but, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Fuck it sounds so brutal. BUT it might just be what we need to hear.
Here’s how I’ve come to this conclusion. Last year I dated 1 guy (out of the HOWEVER many I met) who I was SURE was into me. Let’s call him The Ego-Maniac (for reasons I’ll explain at another time). How did I know? I know because I never questioned if he liked me. He’d text all the time. He’d arrange fun dates. He’d pay me compliments. He’d make me sit on his face repeatedly. He always asked me when I was free. He wasn’t on any dating sites and he suggested plans for the future. At no point in our time together did I question if he liked me. Don’t get me wrong, I questioned loooooaaaads of other things. But I felt confident that he dug my shit.
But back to the other guys. Every. Single. One. At points, made me stare at my phone and wonder why there was no message. Each of them became more and more distant, which made me need more and more reassurance that they liked me. They inevitably didn’t. They either ghosted or told me they didn’t see it going anywhere.
But did I need them to tell me? Or did the fact they didn’t treat me like The Ego-Maniac tell me everything I needed to know?
As frustrating as it is, the old adage is true (for a large part without trying to overgeneralise too much) guys will chase what they want.
If they ain’t chasing, they ain’t wanting.
That’s a really hard pill to swallow. And an awful lesson to learn because our inevitable reactions will be to question what we did wrong. Why we weren’t enough and what else could we have done.
Having learned this lesson, I’m attempting (although my WhatsApp screenshots and conversations with mates might tell a different story) to approach things differently.
My approach will be as follows: if I like someone, I will make an effort. If I don’t get at least the same amount of effort back then it’s bin emoji time for them.
Alongside this approach needs a hella strong mindset though. We need to understand that someone not being into us is not a slight on us as amazingly, sexy, beautiful people but just a natural and justified circumstance. We know we’ve liked someone at some point but just not been that into them. It doesn’t mean they’re awful or have done anything wrong, we just didn’t feel it. It’s absolutely Ok if someone feels like that about us.
Sometimes it feels like you’ll never meet someone who is really into you. But it’s better to wait than to settle for the one that just is not that into you.