My Inbox Is Full Of Beards

WELCOME

Henceforth you are subjected to an almost diary-like run through of my dating hails and fails (fails…juuust fails) of the previous week. So settle in and delve into my tiny brain…

MONDAY

Right I need to get some Tinder admin IN. It has been 2 weeks since my last first date, I’ve got a cold brewing and I haven’t put on anything other than a work uniform of skinny jeans and baggy jumpers with stinky trainers in AGES. I need to feel sexy and fun. But NEW RULE. Don’t continue messaging people who have no chat. Sorry mate but I just don’t care that the sandwich lady was 15 minutes late to your Canary Wharf office today.

Is it me or is Tinder just full of fugs lately? If it’s not some hipster wanderlust loving tiger stroker displaying his 4th snowboarding selfie, it’s some toff nosed twat in all pink Ralph Lauren stroking different dogs because he’d heard in the Daily Mail it makes you more appealing to women.

WAIT there’s a beard. And there’s more of them. SWIPE ME UP BABY. Bam. Match after (at least 17 people not reciprocating) match comes through.

Hello stand up comedian I’m a bit of a fan of, whose DMs I’ve previously slid into. PLEASE MATCH ME.

To no avail BUT there are a few new matches…

First up is Ginger Northern Beard. You have a witty profile. Let me send you an innocent message about how your week is going.

Secondly there’s Bearded Teacher (Geek). I shall ask you about your job and see if you hate it as much as I.

A good shift has been put in this evening.

TUESDAY

*call in sick to work as tonsils feel like they’re being prodded with a sharp penis, ‘cept they’re not and I’m sad*

My 7 hour long headache has dissipated and it’s time to check my dating app messages.

It’s looking pretty spartan, not going to lie.

But YAY Ginger Northern Beard has messaged me back with a witty response. *checks his pictures* Yep, still would.

Less YAY more meh, Bearded Teacher (Geek) has messaged a very sweet get well wish as I was fishing for attention. But also he’s not setting any loins a’burning.

Let’s gi’ Bumble a bash. Haven’t been there for a while. SHIT I AM MATCHING WITH EVERYONE. Fuck Tinder. But I have to send the first message. Better get my CTRL+C CTRL+V fingers warmed up.

And there he is. Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool). Those eyes. That strong nose. That beard that I’m already imagining moistening with face-sitting (not even a little bit Soz). The message is sent. I wait. PS you can follow this situation over on my Twitter with LIVE UPDATES.

WEDNESDAY

Nothing from Ginger Northern Beard but I’ve basically forgotten him because OMFG Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) has spent most of my day lighting up my inbox and my heart.

He’s witty, and quick to reply and a bit flirty. A great messaging combo. BUT he’s not exactly rushing to ask me out. GUARANTEED he’s speaking to loads of people. The Beards always do well you see.

Bearded Teacher (Geek) is still sending well wishes and has asked me out for a drink this weekend. I’m not enamoured but I do want a date under the belt and to feel fancied so it could be fun. I’ll mull it over.

THURSDAY

Bearded Teacher (Geek) sent a message asking which goddess I would be if I could pick one. ABORT.

Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) has moved to WhatsApp but as the chat has migrated I fear we have left his witty repartee behind on Bumble. DAZZLE ME FFS. Has no one got good chat any more? Can no one keep up a pun off for longer than 4 messages? What even is life? Maybe if he asks me out, we might capture the initial fizzle back. So what is he waiting for?

Ginger Northern Beard has picked up the messages with some enthusiasm and has asked me out for Friday, except I’m busy and then he’s not free for a week. If we can keep the messages up, I could be one step closer to his fire crotch however with such a long time without meeting, the flames could be dampened quicker than I was for Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool).

FRIDAY

Night in with the housemate needed as I have a busy weekend ahead. Still mulling over rescheduling dates and fitting things in this week. But it’ll involve an eyebrow shape and general self care and I’m feeling far too drained.

Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) seems to have disappeared and Ginger Northern Beard asked for my number BUT HASN’T MESSAGED? What happened between saving my digits and using yours to send me a message? Did someone diddle your digit better?

SO THERE WE HAVE A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A PERENNIAL SINGLETON. And also this has been a display as to why you should never come to me for love advice because my answer will always be, ‘sack it off and be lazy and hairy with your housemate instead.’

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6 Comments

  1. Ellie
    January 27, 2017 / 7:59 pm

    I LOVE YOU BLOG! Reading this is like talking to a friend. I have the exact same sense of humor as you.

    On the tinder front, I came out of a long long term relationship that started when I was 17 (you guessed it, I missed out on the “I’m being a slut but it’s okay because I’m super young and have loads to learn” stage). Been single for a few months now and got on Tinder myself. WHAT AN EYE OPENER.

    First off, mate, it you’ve super liked me.. why haven’t you sent me a message to say hi now that we’ve matched.

    Second, I have learnt that if he’s only got one photo and he’s wearing a hat in it, he is definitely bald.

    Went on a date early December time with a bearded muscly man working in the oil industry – unbelievably fit. Slept with him on the first date but was 10 out of 10 so no regrets there. Now we’re almost at the end on January and we’re still going on dated & he bought be a Christmas present so I’m thinking that’s an alright sign.

    So basically, to sum up, Tinder is the best thing since sliced bread and you’re absolutely hilarious.

  2. January 28, 2017 / 4:54 pm

    This is all so funny and brilliantly honest. I must admit I’ve always avoided dating sites/apps as I have watched FAR too many episodes of Criminal Minds and am utterly convinced that all meet-ups would be lures to lock me in a dungeon (not a fun-geon) and force me to bear children or use my skin as a dress kind of scenarios…

    But it sure is fun reading about your experiences. Looking forward to seeing more of them.

  3. January 28, 2017 / 8:46 pm

    Best Blog post I came across today! Loved reading it, I hope you get a date soon I was rooting for the Hot & Cool Guy but so sad he seemed to have disappeared. And I know this is a little bit of topic but I really like your blog design :).
    Lea, xx
    http://www.asnippetoflife.com

  4. January 29, 2017 / 3:29 am

    Oh my god, this is too good. Good ol’ Tinder. I’ve never tried Bumble before though! I might have to have a bash at it in a year or two…when I actually feel like dating again. Until then, I’ll be safe. Here. Living vicariously through your experiences haha. Good luck!

  5. Cara
    January 29, 2017 / 4:13 pm

    I rejoined bumble this week and started every message with a pin about something they wrote about in their profile and the pay off…. 2 responses out of 10, one asked how big my nipples were and the other asked if I could squirt. Pepper spray into your eyeballs, yes mate, I can. Just no gentlemen, just no.

  6. February 12, 2017 / 7:51 pm

    Can I take the geeky teacher, please? He sounds my type…