Henceforth you are subjected to an almost diary-like run through of my dating hails and fails (fails…juuust fails) of the previous week. So settle in and delve into my tiny brain…
Right I need to get some Tinder admin IN. It has been 2 weeks since my last first date, I’ve got a cold brewing and I haven’t put on anything other than a work uniform of skinny jeans and baggy jumpers with stinky trainers in AGES. I need to feel sexy and fun. But NEW RULE. Don’t continue messaging people who have no chat. Sorry mate but I just don’t care that the sandwich lady was 15 minutes late to your Canary Wharf office today.
Is it me or is Tinder just full of fugs lately? If it’s not some hipster wanderlust loving tiger stroker displaying his 4th snowboarding selfie, it’s some toff nosed twat in all pink Ralph Lauren stroking different dogs because he’d heard in the Daily Mail it makes you more appealing to women.
WAIT there’s a beard. And there’s more of them. SWIPE ME UP BABY. Bam. Match after (at least 17 people not reciprocating) match comes through.
Hello stand up comedian I’m a bit of a fan of, whose DMs I’ve previously slid into. PLEASE MATCH ME.
To no avail BUT there are a few new matches…
First up is Ginger Northern Beard. You have a witty profile. Let me send you an innocent message about how your week is going.
Secondly there’s Bearded Teacher (Geek). I shall ask you about your job and see if you hate it as much as I.
A good shift has been put in this evening.
*call in sick to work as tonsils feel like they’re being prodded with a sharp penis, ‘cept they’re not and I’m sad*
My 7 hour long headache has dissipated and it’s time to check my dating app messages.
It’s looking pretty spartan, not going to lie.
But YAY Ginger Northern Beard has messaged me back with a witty response. *checks his pictures* Yep, still would.
Less YAY more meh, Bearded Teacher (Geek) has messaged a very sweet get well wish as I was fishing for attention. But also he’s not setting any loins a’burning.
Let’s gi’ Bumble a bash. Haven’t been there for a while. SHIT I AM MATCHING WITH EVERYONE. Fuck Tinder. But I have to send the first message. Better get my CTRL+C CTRL+V fingers warmed up.
And there he is. Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool). Those eyes. That strong nose. That beard that I’m already imagining moistening with face-sitting (not even a little bit Soz). The message is sent. I wait. PS you can follow this situation over on my Twitter with LIVE UPDATES.
Nothing from Ginger Northern Beard but I’ve basically forgotten him because OMFG Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) has spent most of my day lighting up my inbox and my heart.
He’s witty, and quick to reply and a bit flirty. A great messaging combo. BUT he’s not exactly rushing to ask me out. GUARANTEED he’s speaking to loads of people. The Beards always do well you see.
Bearded Teacher (Geek) is still sending well wishes and has asked me out for a drink this weekend. I’m not enamoured but I do want a date under the belt and to feel fancied so it could be fun. I’ll mull it over.
Bearded Teacher (Geek) sent a message asking which goddess I would be if I could pick one. ABORT.
Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) has moved to WhatsApp but as the chat has migrated I fear we have left his witty repartee behind on Bumble. DAZZLE ME FFS. Has no one got good chat any more? Can no one keep up a pun off for longer than 4 messages? What even is life? Maybe if he asks me out, we might capture the initial fizzle back. So what is he waiting for?
Ginger Northern Beard has picked up the messages with some enthusiasm and has asked me out for Friday, except I’m busy and then he’s not free for a week. If we can keep the messages up, I could be one step closer to his fire crotch however with such a long time without meeting, the flames could be dampened quicker than I was for Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool).
Night in with the housemate needed as I have a busy weekend ahead. Still mulling over rescheduling dates and fitting things in this week. But it’ll involve an eyebrow shape and general self care and I’m feeling far too drained.
Bearded Teacher (Hot and Cool) seems to have disappeared and Ginger Northern Beard asked for my number BUT HASN’T MESSAGED? What happened between saving my digits and using yours to send me a message? Did someone diddle your digit better?
SO THERE WE HAVE A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A PERENNIAL SINGLETON. And also this has been a display as to why you should never come to me for love advice because my answer will always be, ‘sack it off and be lazy and hairy with your housemate instead.’