Lazy Girl’s Guide To Sex

I’m going to hold my hands up here. I am a slob. From wearing the same bra multiple days in a row to only showering if I need to leave the house, some might say I’m a card carrying skank. This makes sex an absolute ball ache. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I have the energy of the cast of Geordie Shore after a 9 hour bender, other times (most times) I have just about enough energy for a nap. If you’re like me, I hope you’ll find this guide useful. Get yo lazy on girls…

THE PREP

No one feels sexy when their hair is greasy and they’re the proud owner of disco fanny so if you’re about to have sex, do the following things…

Coat your hair in dry shampoo and stick it up in a sexy high-pony tail. This is advantageous in many ways – your hair will smell nice, it’ll feel clean(ish) AND it’s already off of your face and out of the way so that you can really get involved in that BJ.

Moisturise. Maybe you decided that you wanted to catch up on Broadchurch instead of having a full pre sex pamper routine of luxurious bath, full body exfoliation and shaving every inch of yourself. In this case, whack on a ton of moisturiser – it’ll flatten down even the longest of leg hairs and if your partner decides to massage them and you’re worried he’ll get friction burn, the moisturiser will combat that and leave you feeling seductively smooth.

Easy access clothes. Perhaps you CBA to fish your sexy matching lingerie from the wash pile and ensure they’re ready for the sexy moment. If so, wear an outfit that has access to your bits so that your partner doesn’t even need to see your underwear. If you do like stripping off when shagging but are not quite at Magic Mike strip tease level, wear clothes that can easily be extricated from your person. No-one can be arsed with tights that need ten minutes of shuffling down your legs to avoid laddering or unbuttoning a 45-buttoned shirt.

THE FOREPLAY

If you’re anything like me, you love getting your rocks off to a quick fingerbang, or some bomb-ass cunnilingus BUT sometimes this requires an equal amount of effort on your part to return the favour and when you’re feeling lazy, it can be a REET PAIN…

Fingering. It’s the lazy girl’s dream. One where we get to lie down, have our bits played with which hopefully results in an orgasm or at least gets us hyped up for one. We really don’t have to do much here! Unless your partner tries it when you’re standing up or at an awkward angle and if this happens, throw yourself into a horizontal lying position as soon as possible and show them just how little energy you’re willing to exert over this.

Hand job. Ugh, this is going to require a little effort on your slobby behalf. No matter how many times you switch over hands or involve your mouth, after a while you’re going to start aching and you’re going to want to give up and feign a headache BUT DON’T. Instead, adopt a position that is going to be comfy for you. One where you don’t mind tugging away for what seems like ages because he’s been out drinking Peroni with his pals all day. A lazy girl’s fave for this is to have your fella sitting up right with you sat next to him. This way you can reach into his lap and have his body support your weight and arm. And if you reeeeaaally want to get things moving so you can go back to watching Netflix together, put something a little bit sexy on the TV and face that. Visual for him. Distraction from your pending boredom for you.

Oral (for her). Ah how I love to face sit. But ah how I despise feeling the thigh burn after squatting for an age. Unless you want to put your whole weight through your vulva and onto his nose, you’re going to have to suspend yourself somehow and ain’t nobody got the energy for that. If your partner wants to dine out on you, opt for the drive thru option. The option where you’re parked in a comfortable position and they drive their tongue thru you repeatedly.

Oral (for him). The great Samantha Jones once said, ‘Honey, they don’t call it a job for nothing,’ and boy she was right. Blow jobs require effort. Effort that some lazy girls barely have the energy for BUT if you’re going to do it right, you’re going to have to put the work in. There are some hacks which will make it a lot easier for you though. Position yourself between his legs and lie down. No awkward, back-ache inducing crouching here. If you’re between his thighs, you can occasionally use them as a little pillow for a mid-nosh nap, should the exhaustion overcome you. Whatever you do, DO NOT use your arms to prop yourself up because they will tire very easily, just rest them on his body and let your mouth do most of the work. Should you feel like treating him to a hand-stroke/ball tickle, they are easily moved. Furthermore, start off slow. You’re going to knacker yourself out far too quickly if you start bobbing up and down on him with forceful velocity.

THE SEX

Lazy Girls love nothing more than missionary. Hello lying on your back and zoning out until euphoria. BUT if you want good sex, pleasure for your partner and an orgasm for yourself, you’re going to have to get into it. Here’s how…

Go on top. Ride that pony until you’re out of breath and need a break and then tell him or even just wait for him to take over. You’re still on top and getting the right spots hit BUT he puts in a lot of the work.

Spoon. Is there anything more blissful than a sleepy, Sunday morning sesh of you laying on your side and doing nothing more than a booty grind on him once every 14 strokes? I mean, you could probably carry on snoozing or check your phone while you’re at it.

The Goat. It’s like Doggy Style except your knees don’t get shot to shit from kneeling on them and your arms don’t get pins and needles from having to brace your body from a powerful pounding. This position puts you completely flat on the bed, with your head nestled into a pillow, while your guy cracks on from behind. The perk of this is ULTIMATE G SPOT stimulation. And without burning a single calorie!

THE CLEAN-UP

I know it’s tempting to just lie there after you’ve both spaffed BUT that’s how STIs and crusty bed sheets happen.

Keep a receptacle by the bed. Here you can dispose of condoms, saliva (if you’re a spitter) and cummy tissues. No more wrapping yourself in a sheet and dragging yourself to the kitchen bin for you!

Face wipes. Also keep these within orgasm-shot because if he’s covered in your juices/himself, he can clean up easily before rolling over and soaking your new Zara bed sheets that you only just washed and CBA to wash again for a couple of weeks.

Febreeze. No lazy girl wants to change her sheets after every sesh but the smell of sex DOES linger and can be quite obvious. Just spritz on a bit of fresh smelling material spray once in a while and you can prevent the need for changing. Unless you’ve got multiple partners OR those sheets start to crack.

The fact is, good sex requires effort, energy and enthusiasm. Us Lazy Girls have perfected our ‘I’m so into this’ high energy performances but every now and then we do just need to phone it in. But gals, make sure that it is only every so often. Sex is a beautiful thing that should be devoured, appreciated and experienced for as long as possible with as much effort as possible.

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7 Comments

  1. March 20, 2017 / 3:02 pm

    Haha, brilliant. Love ‘the drive-thru option’.

  2. Abi Street
    March 20, 2017 / 8:28 pm

    I absolutely love this!! It was so honest and made my laugh my head off!

    Abi | abistreetx

  3. Emmie Unsigned
    March 20, 2017 / 8:37 pm

    I love your blog. Every post brings a smile to my face! I am definitely a lazy girl and have “accidentally” fallen asleep before he comes to bed way too many times to be acceptable BUT I have two children so that has to count for something right?!
    Oral for me includes lying on my back and just enjoying it entirely LOL.

    Emmie xo

  4. Harriet Day
    March 21, 2017 / 10:39 am

    I loved reading this post. For me sex isn’t spoke about much and is still such a ‘taboo’ subject although come on we all do it! I love that you have the confidence to write about it. I am sure like you and do love to be lazy so these tips are great!

    http://www.harrietday.com

  5. March 24, 2017 / 4:51 pm

    Hahaha oh this post was bloody brilliant. Also, the moisturiser instead of shaving tip? BLOODY GENIUS. Adore your writing style Vix, you’re the one blogger whose writing I could read for hours on end and not get bored.

    Nikki xx | Lovelaughslipstick ♥

  6. March 27, 2017 / 4:37 pm

    I feel like I might have just found my new sex bible and I am living for it. More to the point I love how open you are about sex, I have spoken about sex on my own blog and people said they felt empowered it. Reading your post on sex makes me feel empowered too, more bloggers, specifically women should be open about their sex lives.

  7. March 30, 2017 / 7:44 pm

    This is amazing. I’m quite possibly one of the laziest girls on the planet so I’m so pleased this post exists!x