Love Island Series 4, Episodes 33 and 34. You can read the episode 32 run down here.
Honestly the most interesting Love Island news lately is Cazza Flazza’s real-life break up so here are two episodes of not-much-really-happening condensed into one round-up, with extra sarcasm, because I’m losing the will…
Laura’s back from her date with slimy Idris and tells Jack what he said about the Georgia kiss. Idris is talking shit. Jack is a breath of truthful fresh air. TBH I never thought I’d have kids but if I do, I’m considering Jack as a name (regardless of sex) because they’re just ANGELS aren’t they?
Keiran quickly shuts Idris down by telling the guys that the kiss was more Georgia. He seems to speak the truth. Just a shame he has to speak at all, really.
Loyal Georgia (Loyalgia) tells Sam that she really likes him and wants to pursue things with him, not Keiran. I’m surprised, NGL. They’ve got as much sexual chemistry as Alex and ANY WOMAN.
In other news, Jack speaks to Idris and doesn’t punch him, so yay and Wes and Megan express their totally genuine and obviously forever lasting feelings for each other.
Yawn. England are out of the World Cup at this point. Everything else is pointless.
New girl, Alexandra would like to have brunch with Alex. Everyone patronisingly bundles him.
The date is drier than Alex’s peeling, burnt skin. They both like dancing. She feels sorry for him and wants to give him a chance. What an excellent basis for a romantic relationship.
Jack’s got a text. He’s been chosen for Alexandra’s second date. Laura has a full on meltdown. We will England to hold on just as hard as we will her to get a fucking grip. Honestly, Pickford exudes more maturity than her and we all know he’s secretly 9.
Later on Alex and Alex have another dry chat where he wows her with his knowledge of car videos on YouTube and praises her natural beauty. He’s been surrounded by so many extensions, tans and fillers the past few weeks that even the pool lilo looks like a natural beauty to him now.
Samira’s still crying about missing Frankie and the nation are crying at Belgium’s equaliser and subsequent winning goal.
Wes tells the boys that he wants to make Meg his girlfriend. Meg tells the girls she wants to ensnare Wes. We barely muster up the energy to care.
Alex tells Georgia that Alexandra is an Amazonian Princess. He’s a div.
Wesan make it offish. Hurrah, some icy tears are melting. Not mine though.
Alex are chatting to each other. It’s a very business-like transaction of agreeing not to take things too seriously and unnaturally agreeing to ensure things are natural. This show is weird.
Georgia and Keiran go for a chat. She tells him the date went well but that she missed Sam and she sees more potential with him. Keiran is still not listening to a word anyone says and sees this as a further challenge to pursue her. Honestly, an eye needs to be kept out for him.
Georgia talks to Sam and tells him that Keiran said Sam was smothering her. Sam pretends to want to challenge Keiran when we all know he’s not the challenging type.
Keiran, undisturbed in his quest for any puss that will position him in the villa goes for Alexandra. He tells her he’s not that well travelled as if it will impress her. Book a flight to somewhere other than Magaluf you boring dolt.
Samira chats to Dani and says that she misses Frankie and their connection. She says all of her best mates are coupling up and that she’s not happy because she’s alone. Dani is sad that she wants to leave. PS, Samira leaves.
It’s bed time and Megan tells Wes she loves him. We’re a Phoebe Buffay level of shocked.
Next morning she tells him that it just slipped out. *insert rude penis pun I’m too tired to write*
After the break, the boys have to do an assault course to rescue their girls. I wish they were doing an assault course to rescue this show from it’s descent into Boresville.
There’s a recoupling a-foot. The girls get to choose.
Idris and Keiran are grafting Alexandra with sheer vigour. It’s almost like it’s 2am at your local Vodka Revolutions and the boys who haven’t yet pulled are doing the dance-floor creep to see who they can snog before closing time. And it’s GROSS.
Alex decides to sit back and let his previous conversations with Alexandra do the talking. He could regret this.
Who’s going to recouple with who? From the preview it looks as though Alex, Idris and Keiran are left which means…
Dani chooses Jack, Laura chooses Jack, Kaz chooses Josh, Megan chooses Wes, Georgia chooses Sam, Ellie chooses Charlie which leaves Alexandra to pick. So who is she going for?