Growing Up, Growing Apart And Finding Your Guest List, Friendless

Ah fuck that is a BLEAK TITLE. But growing apart from friends as an adult is a really bloody bleak aspect of life.

I’ve spoken before, in posts on toxic friendships, about my views on adult relationships. I find it awkwardly easy to cast off people when we’re no longer serving each other with a nurturing, two-way and healthy friendship.

But since getting engaged and sitting down to write that all-important guest list, it’s hit me. I’m 31 and almost friendless.

making friends as an adult

Now lol, I do have AMAZING friends – old uni mates that have stood the test of time, ex-colleagues who are now ACTUAL friends and the odd blog babe who I’ve grown to love over the last few years.

But I don’t have THOSE primary school friends you reminisce about eating PVA glue with. Or those secondary school buds you smoked your first cigarette and obsessed over JC Chasez with.

And I didn’t have the ‘typical’ uni group of friends who lived in halls together and promised to never speak of the time they ate 3 day old pizza that may or may not have had vomit and vodka touching it.

So when it came to writing my list (which consists of a miniscule amount of family due to being parentless and just not having a big family) and listing the friends I’d like to get married in front of, it was like a punch in the gunt to see less than 20 names there.

Sure, I’m SO excited to look across the marquee and see my teacher buds from work and uni bond over the worst children they’ve ever taught and how whiteboard pens are precious like an illegal currency or Dani Dyer. And I know there’ll be a little blogging table of gals chatting away about the bloody algorithm and whichever trend is IN at that moment. The thought of that warms my heart SO MUCH.

But I also know I’ll be looking across the haphazardly laid out tables (because lol, me) and the beautiful florals (because lol, Ben’s Mum is an amazing florist) and will see his tables of school friends, uni friends, work friends and FRIENDS 4 LYF FRIENDS and wish I had that too.

Wow I sound so friend-greedy. Like I want to smush more and more into my mouth like chocolate covered pretzels. Moreish relationships.

making friends as an adult

I do need to be SUPER grateful for the friends I’ve kept. The ones who’ve been there through the toughest times. The ones who make my sides split from laughter. The ones who send a GIF in Whatsapp and we all IMMEDIATELY get the reference. Because they are precious. More precious than whiteboard pens.

But maybe, if I’m feeling friendless, I need to seek out new relationships too. Ones that involve pretending to meet up for yoga but actually just to have a G&T over chips. Ones that can come round and watch Geordie Shore whilst Ben’s at football. Ones that can get THAT shot for Instagram and ones that help to feed my soul. And ones that totally get that for 4 weeks in a row I may prefer to sit at home, not wash my hair and eat solely beige food but will still be there for a get together when I’m free.

Apply within yeah?

Do you ever feel like making friends as an adult is difficult? Have you ever left a friendship behind and regretted it?

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  1. July 24, 2018 / 7:20 pm

    I relate to this post so much as I’ve just had to make a guest list for my 30th as I decided to have a big party. I realised that I don’t have many friends from back in the day, it’s very much blog friends, work friends and a very small handful of long term friends. I’m so grateful to all of those people and so happy to have them in my life but I get what you mean about having that moment of feeling friendless

  2. July 25, 2018 / 7:52 am

    I am downright useless at making new friends. I’m not sure if my standards are too high (would explain why I’m single AND friend-less) or if I’ve just wasted too much time on people who didn’t really care in the past, but I do crave a connection with someone. A friendship connection. Where you both share interests and you’re spending time together doing nothing (or doing stupid things. Or cool things. Whatever, really), you can talk about everything and it’s just a mutual understanding that you’re there for each other. Welp, maybe one day, eh?

    Lisa, 27, also friend-less x

  3. July 25, 2018 / 10:54 am

    Never related to something so much! It was a relief to read this and realise I’m not the only one who feels like this. Grown apart with a lot of people who I made friends with purely from drunken nights out and in at the age now that I don’t like doing that anymore, it’s a shock to think that maybe that’s all the friendship was based on.
    Thank you for this post!

  4. July 25, 2018 / 12:39 pm

    I always thought I could make friends anywhere, anytime… Until I moved to Estonia. Jesus christ I was lonely the first year! My sole savor was Tinder. There I could find people from any other country and culture to hang out with. And when I got a new job in a big office with actual colleagues things improved…. a bit. But thankfully I have my school and Uni friends back at home and all the “new” friends from my previous travels all over Europe so I hope that these couple years stuck in Estonia haven’t traumatized me too much by the time I will be able to move away 🙂

    Teresa |

  5. July 25, 2018 / 5:23 pm

    O I feel this for so many reasons. It’s funny which ones we keep though isn’t it? I’ve had some over the years that I thought would be forever but turned out not to be and others that have turned in to forever.

  6. Kristan
    July 25, 2018 / 6:07 pm

    Bumble has a ‘BFF’ and Networking section as well as dating and also meet up groups are good but I know what you mean. I only have a handful of friends and though it’s quality over quantity I wish I had a group like on ‘Friends’ or ‘Sex and the City’.
    I’m in Brighton if you fancy a visit 🙂

  7. July 25, 2018 / 8:24 pm

    Making friends as an adult is such a pain in the ass. I feel so lucky to be able to connect with lots of people through work, but the number of true friends that I have still remains slim!

    Danielle xx

  8. July 26, 2018 / 3:16 pm

    I feel like making friends as adults is so hard! And when you move away from people it can be so difficult to keep friendships going. It’s a sad thing, but having a few select close friends is in no way a bad thing, cherish them <3

    Katie |

  9. Harriet
    July 27, 2018 / 10:04 pm

    I’m exactly the same ? I moved to Brighton 3 years ago after a breakup and knew 2 people here – an ex colleague and a friend-of-a-friend. I saw them both a lot and it was great! 6 months later met my boyfriend (Tinder ?) and since then those 2 friends have bloody moved away!!

    Aside from boyf, I’ve made literally ONE new friend in that time. As in someone that I see regularly & willingly outside of work. I’m friends with his friends now too – but I’m very conscious that’s his group of friends so god forbid we broke up I’d be back to square 1.

    There needs to be a tinder for friendships! I do really miss having a group of girls mates and do feel jealous when people are still really close with their best friends from school.

  10. July 30, 2018 / 12:07 pm

    Oh I totally feel this! In my late twenties I cut a whole bunch of toxic friends out of my life and found myself having to start over. That worked out okay but now I’m in my mid thirties and between spending three years travelling and then getting back and moving to the other end of the country I’m finding that I’m there again. I have those people I can chill on the couch with eating take out and talking about anything but they live in the US or Australia or (at best) the opposite end of the UK. I recently started a Meet Up group in my new city to find some like minded friends and I’m working on strengthening some internet friendships with people in cities nearby but as of right now I have nobody in my life who would pop over on a weeknight for gin, facemarks, and pizza or meet me at the local pub for a drink or two which is, quite honestly, a bit shit.

  11. July 31, 2018 / 4:05 pm

    I start a post grad uni course in a few weeks, and gosh, i just don’t know if I can be bothered to go through all that effort of making friends again! You know what I mean, it’s just so time consuming and so much harder as an adulting adult, rather than when you all get thrown into halls or school or the playground. Alice xxx

  12. Emily
    August 1, 2018 / 8:11 am

    During school and college and the beginning of my time at university I always had a big group of friends, and it used to get me so overwhelmed and even though I was always surrounded by people I was never really close with anyone! Then I got ill and it really proved that all of those people were not really true friends! Nowadays, I feel so much happier now that I have a small selection of very close friends in my life, one of those is a friend since nursery but most are friends I have made over the past year and just instantly bonded with!
    I do find it quite difficult to make friends as I am getting older, however I feel the friends I do make I become very close to!
    I really enjoyed reading this post.

  13. August 7, 2018 / 12:27 pm

    My oldest friendship (22 years!) ended a few years ago and I kept having really emotional dreams about her for at least a year after. It was horrible. Luckily, my sister and I get on brilliantly so I have someone who knows me that well but it is sad I’m not friends with anyone from my childhood any more.

  14. August 9, 2018 / 9:45 am

    Oh my god I totally get this! I spent a lot of my ‘younger years’ clinging to friendships because I wanted to have lots of friends, but as I’ve got older, I’ve realised it’s quality not quantity that matters. I’ve even lost the person who was meant to be the BFFFFFFF – because I just couldn’t do the toxic crap anymore, and we’d just grown apart. It killed me at the time, but it was for the best.

    Sometimes I have a panic that I’ll only have a few people at my funeral (morbid much?) but then I figure, I won’t be there so what difference does it make?! I’d rather love the people that are in my life now, however many that is!

    I do want to make new friends though (hit me up!) and broaden my horizons so to speak. Plus, I think it’s good for my kids to know you don’t need to stick to a certain group of people all the time. Gah, it’s harder making new friends as an adult!

  15. September 5, 2018 / 2:01 am

    I’ve had both. I moved to a new State at 20 and found it almost impossible to make friends. 3 years later and I finally have a handful of good ones! There is one friendship I left behind, over a silly argument and I wish it didn’t happen but the more I look at it we both had different views and standards of acceptable friendship, so many it was best it was left in 2011..

    Chloe |