Hello, hello, hello
I’m back! Well for a bit, and then I’m off to get married and have a quick getaway to Las Vegas before being back BACK, but you get me!
So as you might be able to tell, things have had a little change up around here and if you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know that I change things up online as often as I change my bed sheets (often enough).
I’ve gone from writing about lifestyle to dating to lifestyle to blogging and where am I now?
I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% sure what to ‘label’ this blog as nowadays but I can tell you what I’m thinking and hoping.
You see, I got caught in a trap of reading negative comments, worrying about whether I was saying too much or not enough. I didn’t know whether to be an old version of me, the one that people all started following or whether to give myself permission to be the new version of me – the one that’s gone through so much growth this year.
This incessant questioning, worrying, judging and getting in my own head and up my own arse meant I lost my voice. I thought I gained it back but I couldn’t really settle with what I wanted my personal online space to be and to be frank, with moving, house-buying, wedding planning and trying to figure my business sitch out – I just couldn’t concentrate and get intentional with it all!
As you may know, in May I launched Grow & Glow, a membership for creators to learn everything there is about blogging and social media to help them monetise their platforms and grow an audience.
That meant that my creative juices were flowing into content around blogging, social media, the influencer industry and the like.
Being so up in the air with life stuff meant that I had absolutely 0 energy left to write about anything to do with me.
Plus to be honest, for a very large portion of this year, I didn’t really know who ‘me’ was. And I certainly wasn’t interested in myself enough to share it with you.
It’s weird, because this year has been one of my lowest confidence dips alongside one of my biggest growth leaps – I guess that’s what being human is about isn’t it? The fear of losing part of you (therefore losing confidence) and the joy with gaining new parts (which is actually fucking scary too, isn’t it?).
If you follow me on Instagram, you’ll know I’ve been in therapy since the start of this year and that journey has taught me so much about myself and has also helped me let go a lot of things too.
Which is tough in some aspects. A lot of my ‘OG’ readers found me, followed me and hung around because I was a sarcastic singleton with no filter who said whatever the hell I wanted without consequence.
But therapy has shown me that a lot of that came from a place of unprocessed emotions that have now been processed.
So when you’ve built a platform around the, ‘uncensored, DGAF, straight-talking, bish’ but nowadays you’re more like, ’30 something settled business woman who wants to build community, make friends, live her ‘best life’ and work towards making social media and the influencer industry positive, uplifting and transparent’, it doesn’t really fit with, ‘sometimes talks about blow jobs.’
Maybe I’ve not been ready to let that side go because it’s what I think people want. And maybe I’m too much of a bloody people pleaser.
Maybe I just still don’t know who I really am. I don’t have it all figured out. I’m getting there but it’s a journey. I haven’t suddenly woken up overnight and gone, ‘wow I’m one boss babe, hand me the weekly blow dries and wait for me to start dressing in head to toe stylish vintage because I am 100% that bitch now.’
But as September 1st rolls around, I feel ready to step into the newer, more aligned, version of me – whatever that is.
The one who is still awkward AF, still ‘tells it like it is’ but in a more considerate way. The person who doesn’t really want to blab about relationships or the contents of her knickers (shivers) unless its in an educational, relatable and feminist way.
The real Vix, still cares way too much about what others think. Is still finding her place online as someone who isn’t cool or put together enough to be an ‘influencer’, but doesn’t really want to post a mess of a roast dinner and call it a day.
I’m a human whose interests, passions, circumstances and viewpoints change as I grow and learn about myself and I want my online space to reflect that.
Practically what does that mean though? And why should you still read this blog?
It means that the Vix of 29 years old, who blogged about depression, grief and dating has been literally and figuratively consigned to the archives – if you want to go back and see where I’ve come from.
I still struggle with my mental health but WOW am I in a different place to a year ago. I am of course still grieving after losing both parents in such a short amount of time, but in a new way. And of course, I’ll be a newly married woman who is embarking on the next stage of a relationship journey.
It feels like those old posts were written by a previous version of me. A loved, needed and cherished old version but one that doesn’t live inside me anymore she just visits every now and then, if that makes sense?
Or perhaps rather than like a fleeting visitor, she’s now a framed photo on the wall. Ever present but not always focussed on because there’s living to do.
Reading those posts back, I don’t recognise that person. I often cringe at the pain that was coming through in those words but then I give so much grace, understanding and love to that person because those words were what I needed at that time.
So from now on, it means that the blog will be more like a journal and a magazine rolled into one. The behind the scenes. My thoughts, experiences, feelings, self-wanks, self-indulgent ramblings that I have a sneaky feeling other thirty-something women might relate to but also long form think pieces to generate conversations.
I also want to share more of what lights a fire in my belly nowadays – books, business, personal development, my interests, my relationship with myself, life in the country (which I’m still adapting to) and the next stage in my life.
There won’t be any more ‘How Tos’ on the blogging/influencer industry – that’ll all be over on Grow & Glow (and I’ve transferred loads of blogging based blog posts over there, so go check it out) but there will be insights, opinions and deeper looks into what is going on in this developing online world – as it’s what I’m passionate about.
Furthermore, I’m trying to pluck up the courage to MAYBE share some creative writing I’ve been jotting down in my notes app as I’ve been commuting into town. So if that sounds like something you’d read, please let me know!
Perhaps you’re reading this and thinking, ‘oh wow Ok, I can NOT relate to where she is now,’ and that’s perfectly OK. You can close this tab and never return if you choose! There are plenty more blogs in the sea.
Or maybe you’re reading this and thinking that you too want to use September 1st 2019 as the first day of the rest of your life. Where you decide that you too are ready to step into being an imperfectly perfect human and want to come along for the ride as I learn even more about myself and the world around me – because that’s exactly what you’re doing too.
And maybe you love book recommendations, catching up on our favourite podcasts, finding friends as an adult, settling down, trying to build a life, debating social issues and learning more about what it means to be a woman in 2019.
If that’s the case, crack open a cold Diet Coke with me and let’s go!