10 things no one discusses about sex

Stick a few of your mates in a room together and start a discussion about sex. Half of them are in relationships and don’t want to go into their personal lives (are they even really friends?) or they’re in relationships and aren’t having sex. The other half will talk to you til the cows come home about penis size, what his body was like, an embarassing moment or whether it was any good. But there are still a few sex topics that most people* aren’t so freely talkative about.

Get your mates together for a Bellini and banter about blowjobs.

1. The noises. Sex is a cacophony of air leakages and escaping moans. An ecstasy orchestra if you will. We have the bass section – he GRUNTS. Like one of those giant hogs. Actual grunting. The percussion section – why is he slapping my arse so hard? What did I do? Also not sure I’m comfortable with the sound of my thighs clapping together. Yep that’s the steady rhythm of his ballsack against my bum. And of course, the dreaded wind section – it was a FANNY FART OK? You’re pushing that much air into me, at this angle, it has to come back out somehow. Oh and soz, bout to get TOTES GRAPHIC that little solo you just did? That noise was his juices coming back out of you every time you move.

2. The talking. Communication is key in sex. You’re not supposed to just lay there and take it. He needs guidance. You can try and do it sexily, ‘Mmm, yeah, there’ but LOL it’s us OR you can just tell the poor guy. Also another aspect that people don’t often discuss is dirty talk. Is it OK to like it? Were you overwhelmed with the urge to call him Sir or Daddy? Because that’s OK. Did you like him calling you, ‘his little slut’ or did it make you physically cringe? Because that’s OK too. As long as you’re up front with what you’re into, no one gets hurt.  Also finding out which one of your mates is into telling her partner to ‘paint me green and spank me like an avocado’ is SUPER INTERESTING.

3. The eye contact. Different strokes for different folks and obviously how intimate you make things depends on how into each other you are and how much you trust each other. But does anyone else find eye contact FREAKY AF? It could be someone you met hours ago at a bar that you were discussing Brexit and the price of pints in London with who is now ALL UP IN YOUR BUSINESS. Don’t get me wrong, when you’re close to someone and totally comfortable, an intimate eye gaze can really top things off but some of the time we’re having sex it’s just TOO AWKWARD. Why are you staring into my soul? If I look at your eyes, I’m also going to see those weird faces you make and it’s going to put me off my stroke.

4. The smell. Walking back into a room that you’ve just had sex in is like walking through a fart someone has just dropped. It is a heady mix of sweat, juices and sometimes latex and it can be potent. The smell is so distinctive that you can always tell when people have just had sex but as long has you’ve never smelt it in your parents bedroom or even worse, your own when you know you haven’t got down on it, it’s fine. It’s not, it stinks, but it’s natural.

5. The build up. No one seems to go into great detail about what leads to getting piped. They normally say, ‘well we started kissing a bit and, well, you know.’ NO I DON’T KNOW DEBORAH. How did it go from smooching to sexing? Did you have some foreplay Deborah? Did he get you to sit on his face? Because going from kissing straight to sex (is fine if that’s your thing) is a wasted opportunity for more pleasure! Discussing foreplay with your friends can inspire each other to try something new.

6. The moves. Maybe there’s something ingrained in us to not go into great detail about every move during an intimate moment. Maybe we’re still scared we’re 15 and if we tell Becky we gave Sean a beej then all of year 10 and the creepy caretaker are going to find out and think we’re a tramp. But we’re not. We’re grown adults. And as long as we’re not speaking in a disparaging way about our partner’s prowess (she used her teeth bruv, is she mad?) then what’s the harm? OR do we just want to keep our A BJ Game a secret? Like the KFC recipe? Do we not want our friends to be finger-licking-good?

7. The face sitting. I had a discussion with friends not so long ago after face-sitting was brought into my sexual vernacular and only a very small few of them had tried it. I bloody hadn’t until recently! And it annoyed me. Why hadn’t I known about this before? Why hasn’t one of my friends done a girl a good’un and mid-retelling of sexual exploits, interrupted me and gone, ‘yeah but did you sit on his face though?’  because that shit is ENLIGHTENING. And as an internet friend, I’m interrupting you to tell you, the next time y’all are getting busy, get up, climb up and slam it down. He’ll love it and so will you. No need to be shy here, you’re about to mix up a lot of your juices, go for it.

8. The unflattering angles. For some reason, probably porn and movies, whenever we imagine ourselves or each other in the act, our mind probably goes to missionary, doggy or her on top. With bodies that are gloriously curved or pressed against each other smoothly. What we don’t imagine, or discuss is the SHEER HORROR at looking down at your own body, when your legs are being put behind your head to see waves of stomach rolls, boobs that are spreading so far apart there’s a danger they might touch the mattress and your bum crack being fully on show. Or you being bent over and instead of poking your butt in the air, like you’re supposed to, your spine is curved like an angry cat and all your bits are pointing to the floor. Gravity ain’t your friend here.

9. The butt stuff. We all thought Miranda in Sex and the City had done us a favour and made the whole ‘finger in the butt’ topic more easily approachable. But nah. Try bringing up ‘butt stuff’ whether it’s fingering, licking or using other implements and a good proportion of your group will be like, NOOOOPE. For some guys there is a gay stigma where they believe liking anal action will make them gay. Yes, they are ignorant. For other people there’s a hygiene factor. Everyone at some point has heard the, ‘then I pulled it out and it had poo on it’ horror story and if you have ever done butt stuff it might have happened to you. But anal – whether it’s sex or foreplay needs to be discussed more. Looking at it solely from porn is dangerous because these people are experienced and will literally tear each other a new one without so much as a grimace. Whereas if we discuss amongst each other the benefits, the preparation and help each other to make it less awkward, we’ll all be safer experimenting.

10. The aftermath. Ok, you’ve both (hopefully) just spaffed. Then what? Then comes the awkward diving out of bed to deposit something. If you’ve used a condom, the guy has to try and whip that slimy sheath from himself and dispose of it discreetly but as his legs will most definitely still be shaking (you go girl) he’ll more than likely trip on your bra and tread on your shoes. If you haven’t, then the girl cannot just lie in bed because PREGNANCY and CYSTITIS so she must extricate herself in the most graceful manner possible whilst cupping her undercarriage because she doesn’t want it blobbing out onto her carpet. What if she has cum in her mouth? Is she a spitter? If she is, I hope she has a purpose built receptacle to hand otherwise that journey to the bin/sink/toilet with warm, salty semen swimming in her mouth is going to be an unpleasant one.

*most people don’t discuss these things. I clearly do so if you ever want to discuss them. Holla atcha gyal.

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  1. Alice
    August 8, 2016 / 10:18 am

    "Do we not want our friends to be finger-licking-good?" Is officially my favourite sentence of the day. Loving your work lady x

  2. Jen
    August 8, 2016 / 12:12 pm

    My mate and I have a rule- when you meet a guy, ask yourself: ‘Do I want to sit on his face though?’ If not, move on bruv, he’s not for you.

  3. August 8, 2016 / 2:13 pm

    I have tears in my eyes this is officially my number one blog I love lt.

  4. Kelly
    August 8, 2016 / 5:04 pm

    I love you so much. Just. You’re amazing. I’m of the wanting to wait until marriage variety, so when my boyfriend and I get married and start having sexy fun time, I’m so down to talk to you about it. (My friends are all those who aren’t so freely talkative)

    Kelly // <a href="http://www.velvetandvibranium.com">Velvet and Vibranium</a>

  5. August 8, 2016 / 5:17 pm

    This post is hilarious! Here I am innocently having a Harry Potter marathon with some snacks and ginger beer and my bedding is now partially covered in a mixture of the two after almost choking whilst reading about the smell of sex and spaffing hahaaaaa! Love it girly! You have done it once again CRACKING POST x

  6. Vicky
    August 8, 2016 / 9:42 pm

    Hahahaha I absolutely loved this. A lot of my friends are definitely this open and it’s fab. ❤

  7. georgie
    August 9, 2016 / 1:06 pm

    Ahahahaha I LOVE THIS!! I’m not shy in the slightest and these kind of conversations are actually my favourite so I really did enjoy this read! Thank fuck I’m not the only one who struggles with the awkward stomach rolls or occasionally fanny farts hahahah


  8. August 10, 2016 / 1:19 pm

    This literally made me laugh out loud, so a legitimate lol! I think everyone will read this and find something relatable. Love your frank commentary!



  9. Lucie
    August 10, 2016 / 1:33 pm

    Oh my god, it’s so funny and a little controversial at the same time. I love it. 🙂


  10. Lauren Aitchison
    August 10, 2016 / 9:11 pm

    I can’t wait to meet you. Our chat is going to be off-the-scale amazing. I hope you like bad sex stories (of course you do).

  11. Em
    August 14, 2016 / 11:31 am

    This is so graphic and true, I love it! There’s not many people that you can say these things to, I’ve tried and been met with very very strange looks. I laughed so much throughout – brilliant!

  12. Lauranne
    August 16, 2016 / 9:59 am

    Ok total overshare but this feels like a safe place so…

    Once, with an ex, I had this awesome idea that we should gaze lovingly into each others eyes when we both climaxed. I thought it would be all romantic… it wasn’t. We were in the missionary position and so all I saw was his head bobbing in and out of view and rather than focusing on what was about to happen, I spent the entire time trying not to burst out laughing. Totally ruined the moment!

  13. Ruth
    August 24, 2016 / 9:31 pm

    Honestly, this was perhaps the best blog post i’ve ever read. Important topic, handled in such a blunt and hilarious voice! – and tbh the line about being being 15 , giving a bj and the whole of year 10 thinking you’re a tramp is the most accurate laugh out loud thing i’ve heard in ages! Really great writing style, can’t wait to go through your whole blog now!!

  14. September 11, 2016 / 11:14 pm

    Sooo hilarious, I loved reading this.. it felt just like talking to a friend! Thank you for sharing x