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Should We Reward Men For Doing The Bare Minimum?

'I would like to make a toast to all the good guys in Hollywood,' Olivia Munn stated as she began hosting the Critic's Choice Awards in LA this week.

Munn went on to celebrate a range of Hollywood 'good guys' who have treated her in a way that she expects whilst Niecy Nash, her co-host, echoed those sentiments with a drippingly sarcastic, 'Yes thank you for doing what you're supposed to do.'

Whilst some saw these comments as a nod to those guys out there, doing the right thing, some of us saw it for what it ACTUALLY was, a prod at the apparent need to congratulate men on just doing the bare minimum.

This lead me to wonder, should we award guys for just being decent human beings?

men bare minimum

It really is a minefield out in the world at the moment. Men are scared to compliment women on the street, send 'xx's at the end of work emails and ask out women on public transport in fear of appearing like massive creeps.

And so they bloody should.

What the #MeToo movement has brought to light in the minds of many men, is the behaviour that they once exhibited, got away with and normalized is actually, seriously, not acceptable.

There's a huge shift in society currently taking place - can you feel it?

It's palpable. Men are suddenly having to question every move they have ever made. They are having to apply a Creep Ethical Code to every action and I say, SO THEY SHOULD.

For too long, men (and don't come at me with the NOT ALL MEN bollocks), have had their behaviours accepted and unchecked just because that was the way it was. Was. Not is.

For too long, men have walked this Earth with a god-given right to get away with behaviour that others would never dream of exhibiting.

And furthermore, for too long, men have been rewarded just for not being, #AllMen.

They have been applauded for not being rapists.

They have been celebrated for standing alongside women and wearing black in solidarity.

They have been acknowledged when they have admitted previous wrong-doings.

They have been awarded just for being human.

And I, along with Munn, Nash and others, think it's time that stops.

not all men

Of course, change only happens over time. And of course, men who admit they have been wrong, who try to change behaviours they exhibit or who start to stand up for what's right is a really positive step for progress.

But is it worthy of awards and recognition?

By celebrating a man every time he puts his hands up and says, 'I was wrong in how I used to act,' are we in-fact saying that men can continue to behave the way they do as long as they apologise when they get caught?

Or should we be saying, 'Thank you for changing.' and leaving it at that?

Because this is not a Hollywood problem. This is an every day, in every household problem.

Men are considered angelic if they deign themselves worthy of staying at home with the kids and changing nappies. They are put on a pedestal if they take up an ounce of the chores a woman is normally expected to do.

I mean, we've all been part of conversations like the following,

'Yeah my boyfriend cooked a stir-fry last night whilst I had a bath!'

'Oh my god, how cute! What a keeper! Ones like him don't come around often!'

If your partner does any housework, or even any emotional labour - like remembering to send cards on family birthdays, reminding you of your health appointments, organising the groceries, lending a listening ear when you've had a tough day at work or pausing Fifa for 5 minutes so he can help with the hoovering - you're made to feel like you've won the lottery.

From households to Hollywood, men are forever being celebrated JUST for doing what is expected of a decent human being and it is time this stops.

Because this 'boys will be boys' rhetoric that is reinforced by celebrating them when they do something that doesn't fit inside the 'boys will be boys' narrative is actually one of the foundations of rape culture.

For too long, girls were told to accept being pinched, pulled or kicked because it was how boys showed they liked them. Boys will be boys.

For too long, women stayed quiet over abuse because that was just how things were. Boys will be boys.

For too long, women allowed men to put them in uncomfortable situations because refusing or turning them down would be causing a fuss and upsetting to those men. Boys will be boys after all.

And for too long, we have rewarded the men in our lives with gratitude when they complete even the most simplest and basic of niceties because we don't usually expect that kind of behaviour from them, because guess what? Boys will be boys.

And unless we end this cycle of allowing behaviours on the grounds of 'boys will be boys' and going over the top in our celebrations of behaviours that fall outside that neatly wrapped saying, things will not change.

We can affect this change.

We can thank men for becoming allies, of course. But we can make sure that we don't go over the top in our applause when they exhibit behaviours that are just the bare minimum and the most basic of human decencies.

Like wearing a black suit to the Red Carpet.

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12 Comments
  • Amanda
    January 12, 2018

    I couldn’t agree with everything in this post more! My husband Sam and I split everything fairly evenly (cooking, cleaning, family things) and people always tell me how “lucky” I am if I mention that Sam’s already home cooking dinner and I’m on my way home. Obviously I love him to bits, but it’s ridiculous that our fair split in duties just makes me “lucky”.

  • Em Clarkson
    January 13, 2018

    FUCK YES VIX YOU LITTLE LEGEND XXX

  • Danielle
    January 13, 2018

    This is such an amazing post. I agree with every single thing that you have mentioned in this post. I make sure that me and my other half do everything completely evenly. I had to train him up, but now he can do the dishes without expecting a pat on the back!

    Danielle xx
    http://www.fashionbeautyblog.co.uk/

  • Sophie
    January 13, 2018

    Thank you THANK-YOU for this! i was saying the exact same thing to my mum and dad last week. Mum was talking about the men in her work (she’s the only female on the director’s board) and kept saying “to be fair to them” and making so many allowances – dad said to her “stop putting them on a pedestal! for just doing their job”. She would never praise herself for the things she praises them for, but it was refreshing to see my dad call it out and give men the hard time!

    Couldn’t agree with you more on this, i felt the exact same way listening to Munn.

    Bumble and Be

  • Frankie
    January 13, 2018

    I can’t even begin to explain how much I relate to this post. I hear so often when I am out and somebody touches me inappropriately that that is simply the way drunken guys act. But it isn’t right and definitely not ok!

    So thanks for this post and hopefully there are many many people out there who read it too
    Love, Frankie

    Btw love you and the new direction of the blog 🙂 was awesome before but now it’s incredible!!

  • Madeleine
    January 13, 2018

    I was saying to my mum that C expects some sort of medal for taking out the bins or putting a wash on, she laughed and said that that’s men, they can’t just do things, they need to be rewarded for everything. Which is why she never thanks or congratulates my dad for doing the odd chore. She might seem mean but considering all the work she has always done, it makes total sense.

  • Steph
    January 14, 2018

    I’ve never really thought too much about this before but you’re so right. Even simple things like my boyfriend expects to be congratulated and thanked for washing the dishes but why? I do it every day and it is never even acknowledged. Its pulling your weight not something to be applauded.

    Steph x
    http://www.wanderlustpulse.com

  • Rosie
    January 15, 2018

    Yes yes yes to all of this, Vix, My husband is the main cook in our house, I do the cleaning – this is how it’s been for the 12 years we’ve been together and despite this being our choice and Mr P actually enjoying cooking, I still get the “aren’t you lucky?” comments. It’s infuriating. Should he ever mention to his male friends that I take charge of the cleaning, I doubt he would get the same response because, after all, that’s what women are meant to do, isn’t it? x

  • katie
    January 16, 2018

    you are a complete and utter total fucking legend, vm.

  • Laura
    January 17, 2018

    couldn’t agree more with this post! xx

  • Jenny
    January 19, 2018

    This was such an interesting post to read Vix! I found myself nodding along such a lot too x

    Jenny | LuxeStyle

  • Lii
    January 20, 2018

    I agree with you! Yes, I feel lucky that I have a fiance who does his fair share and sometimes more in our house and our daily life, but I feel lucky because it seems to be the “norm” that men and boys don’t usually do this in the house. For me, it is what I expect of a person who lives with me and wants to share a life with me. Hearing girlfriends tales about men who don’t do their share just makes me think that I wouldn’t even put up with such a behaviour and none of us should. The problem is not only that we say “boys will be boys” is that we do not expect more from them. Mothers cradle their “darling” boys and girls are thought to take a man who can bare her. The attitudes are changing and I hope the next generation will not have to say they are lucky, but have the understanding of things being equal.
    Thank you for this post, it was great!

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