As the wintry nights blow in and the impending panic over what to wear to the work Christmas party, to ensure your best chance at pulling, settles over us, us single gals ruefully think ahead to that lonely December morning which will be void of any ‘Boy Done Good’ status updates. Because there is no blimming boy. Instead, we must put out into the ethers what it is we desperately want that will fill our solo existences until the next opportunity for the social media Boyfriend Brag. So if you’re struggling over what to get your spinster mate this year, look no further…
A regular dick appointment. Hook a babe up with that friend of a friend who you’ve heard isn’t adverse to period sex and who is capable of texting back whilst also offering to pick up the Netflix and Chill Domino’s tab. If you could also get him in the Limited Edition STD and Baggage free version, she’d be over the frigging moon.
An Insta liking spree from her crush. Hun isn’t uploading 57483 selfies in bed with her #christmaspjs which are actually a #skimpyundiesandfluffysocks combo for it to go unnoticed. So this Christmas, ensure her crush goes balls deep into her grid and likes every selfie going back at least 4 months.
A pleading phone call from an ex. Ain’t nothing gonna make Mumma feel better, this lonely AF Xmas Day, than her ex calling her up to admit what a fuckpig he was and tell her he’s sending her an arm loads of gifts as a sorry. She’ll throw them all back in his face (cept the Jo Malone candle because r u mad) and go and snog Steve in Finance in triumphant celebration of not being the biggest loser.
An STD/pregnancy panic-free-shagathon. Girl wants to put on her best pulling pants and pull out her best ‘office worker who tried to ruin Alan Rickman’s marriage in Love Actually’ impression and pass her vagina around, this Holiday season, like a box of mince pies on December 1st. But if this year, things could all go to plan and the Safe Sex Reindeers could help her SLAY she’d leave Santa more than a glass of milk on Christmas Eve.
Multiple unrecognised number texts to wake up to. Relationship gals will be waking up to a Plethora Of Pandora and Much Michael Kors this Dec 25th but if your Single Gal Pal can wake up to a hundred texts that all have the possibility of being from her numerous crushes or that prick who ghosted on her, but who now realises his grave error, she’s going to be bounding out of bed like the innocent 10 year old she once was, eager to see which Spice Girl doll was waiting to be unwrapped.
A hangover free morning after. All the single ladies, all the single ladies – now put your hands up – if you don’t have a crippling headache and a pressing need to vom in your washing basket after your epic Xmas Eve pub sesh. Help your mate to nail it this year! She would die to snog 2 hotties under the mistletoe AND sexily sing Mariah Carey to the one that inevitably had a girlfriend but it didn’t matter because her wishes came true, she’s been a good girl this year and with your gift, she’ll be able to make it to her Christmas Dinner without wanting to hurl into the Quality Street.
In all seriousness though, all a single girl wants this Christmas is to realise how awesome this time of the year is when you’re not having to worry about whether you’ll lose your boyfriend to the Xbox you’ve bought him or whether your shit gift to your Mother In Law is the right amount of passive aggressive. Yeah bitch, I got you a Basics Cook Book because I’ve had too many of your over steamed vegetables in the name of love.
Being single at Christmas certainly has its benefits, what do you want this year?