Thoughts We All Have During Anal

If fingering is second base, oral – third and full intercourse – the home run, then anal sex is that time you played rounders in the park and thwacked it so hard it went into the old lady, whose house backed onto the field’s garden, never to be retrieved.

It is an act that is enjoyed by many but derided by some. The main issues that people who are ignorant about anal sex have are; cleanliness, pain, STDs and ‘ew omg I’m not *whispers* gay’.

Now with any act of sex we should be mindful of hygiene, making the experience comfortable for all parties and safe – I’m not even going to address the last, ignorant, issue because YOU, my readers, aren’t dumb enough to actually think that way. Anal play is no different. There is however, no denying that at some point into our foray into the act of hoopage, that we haven’t had at least one of these thoughts;

Thoughts We All Have Doing Butt Stuff

You’re spooning and your partner begins to prod his erection around your backside. Next thing you know, he’s opened your cheeks and you have a new little friend resting against your hole. It feels good. Little bit naughty – especially when you’re anticipating what will happen next. But then your brain comes into play…

Am I clean? Can you quietly excuse yourself with a BRB, scrub your self squeaky and come back, hoping he doesn’t notice the Molton Brown scent coming from your molten brown?(SORRY)

You’re back and the dry bumping (bum-humping) continues, you arch your head round to kiss him and you can smell something. Is it sex smell or butt smell? Can he smell it? Oh god, what if you’ve let a silent one escape?

There is no mistaking that smell of ass. It’s not necessarily an awful smell. Just like the distinctive sex smell, there’s no Jo Malone scent you can compare it to. It’s just ass. But you will always worry its an ‘unclean’ smell, but don’t – it’s usually not!

You’re relaxing a lot more now and you know it’s only a small amount of time before penetration commences. You know you need some form of lube – but where is it? It’s definitely not going in dry. It’d be like a thumb trying to open a lock.

Whatever you do, this is not the time to start clenching. Start a pattern of deep breathing to help the relaxation. But don’t make it so heavy that it sounds like you’re snoring. Your trip to Bumtown should never be boring.

Now you’re sufficiently lubed, (IMPORTANT – eradicates the pain, k?) it’s crawling it’s way in. It feels like the matters that usually come out are being sucked back in, but in like a sexy way? You think? You’re not sure at this point whether it feels weird or great. Weird or great? Yeah, actually it’s great.

He’s moving in and out a bit more now. Now you’re thinking that a LOT of air is being pushed into you… there’s only one way for it to come out… please don’t quart, please don’t quart (queef or fart).

This has been going on for a bit now and you start to wonder if either of you are actually enjoying it. I mean, you guess it feels good? He’s making the right noises? But is it one of those things you both pretend to like because it’s cool? A bit like The Walking Dead? And just like The Walking Dead – was it better at the start but now you’re a bit numb to the story? What an ANAL-ogy for you.

Crunch time now. Are you going to cum? You don’t think you are, even though you could but it wouldn’t feel like a vaginal orgasm. IS HE? Because you do not want his ejaculate pooling inside you like you’ve forgotten to take an Imodium after eating something dodgy abroad.

Aaaand it’s over. You feel different. Lighter somehow. If he’s got any sense he’ll dart to the bathroom and have a quick scrub to spare any potential blushes AND just because it’s nice to be fresh isn’t it? Ain’t nobody got time for bacteria spreading especially if you now want to transfer to the pink.

So there we go – thoughts I’ve definitely had at some point in my (limited, I’ll admit) anal career (right term? I’m going with it). How about you guys? What goes through your mind, when he’s going through the back door?

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11 Comments

  1. Megan
    April 10, 2017 / 4:23 pm

    Oh my god, reading this is literally what it is like for me! Great post! Definitely made me giggle! xo

  2. Lucy
    April 10, 2017 / 4:27 pm

    This made me chuckle far too much – there are so many relatable things here, the ‘molten brown’ though hahah!

    Lucy | Forever September

  3. Cara
    April 10, 2017 / 6:43 pm

    It’s 100% like Walking Dead. Or Homeland series 3. I’ve started so I’ll finish.

  4. Sarah Dickinson
    April 11, 2017 / 7:41 am

    Only been there once – a one night stand in Australia! Lol xz

  5. April 11, 2017 / 10:14 am

    Honest to god wish I hadn’t read this at work πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ It was so hard to keep a straight face!!! πŸ˜€ Loved this post xx

  6. Rosie
    April 11, 2017 / 12:08 pm

    Very similar to how I feel, especially that ‘do I like this or not?’ feeling.

  7. April 12, 2017 / 2:24 pm

    I loved reading this post a little too much, it made me laugh out loud a lot! Some hilarious truths that I haven’t seen other people talk about before!

    Thank you for posting!

    saffronwatson.co.uk

  8. April 15, 2017 / 2:06 pm

    Hahaha Love this post Vix honestly had me rolling with laughter! I love your don’t care attitude towards writing pieces like this, keep em’ coming!!

    Mylifeinrosetintedglasses.com

    • Anitra
      April 24, 2017 / 8:09 pm

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  9. Ellis Woolley
    May 17, 2017 / 12:56 pm

    This post had me in a hysterical heap! Hilariously written. I can definitely relate to every single thing you said…and the molten brown…HAHA! Thanks for sharing – brilliant as ever πŸ™‚ Ellis x // http://www.elliswoolley.co.uk