What Does She Have That I Don’t?

Comparison is the thief of joy. We’ve all heard that old adage haven’t we? We all strive to live our own lives and be the best we can be. But we all fall foul to the side eye glance, the one that checks if we’re ahead or behind.

What Does She Have That I Don't?

Photography Top (ASOS) – Skirt (River Island) – Boots (ASOS SALE but limited sizes)

Comparisons come in every aspect of our lives. Are our siblings more successful? Who got better grades? Why did they get a promotion before me? Fair enough cheat with Becky with the Good Hair, but why her?

Ultimately we ask ourselves – what is it that other people have, that we don’t. Are they prettier? Richer? Harder worker? Better in bed? Do they have an opportunity that I want? Do people turn to them before me? Do people overlook me, to look at them?

Dating is a killer for this. You know when you’re talking to someone, or in the early stages of dating, that they’re more than likely talking to someone else. And often, you find yourself drifting into thoughts of, ‘is she better looking? Funnier? Flirtier? Going to husband him up before he’s even heard my terrible John Wayne joke?’

You paint pictures of strangers in your mind. Strangers that always have the things you want to have but don’t – the designer wardrobe, the perfect date chat, the ability to make men go weak at the knees. But what makes you think they have the amazing things you have but better?

What Does She Have That I Don't?

You compare yourself to your dates too. Do they have a better family life than me? Less issues? More Tinder matches? Are they smarter? Are they hotter than me?

You then find yourself talking yourself out of the date or burgeoning relationship because after comparing you both, he’s a 7 and you’re a solid 4.5 with make up and an eyebrow wax. But why do you think that way?

You also compare yourself to yourself. Was I more suggestive on the first date? Is this date more boring than last week’s? Did he like me more before 6 dates have passed and I’ve accidentally farted on his dick during a spoon?

That’s madness isn’t it? To think a past you is better than a current you.

Comparison is a little worm that wriggles into your brain and burrows until you’re ground down into believing that you’re not good enough. That anyone and everyone is better.

Blogging is no different. Hannah G(Bae)ale puts it much better than I do here. What really resonated in her post, with me, was the bitterness that comparison can bring. I’ve heard many people say things like: ‘She bought all of her Instagram followers so why is she going on another press trip?’ or ‘She’s awfully rude to PRs, why do they keep working with her?’ What’s left after these comments is resentment.

What’s left after you’ve compared yourself in a dating scenario? Resentment for your date, that’s what. There’s nothing that dampens a fanny flutter quicker than already assuming the person you’re seeing compares you to other people and themselves and thinks they can do better.

Well done, knobhead, you’ve screwed yourself over there!

What Does She Have That I Don't?

In reality then, who does comparison thieve the joy from? Not Becky with the Good Hair. Not Denise at the Office who works for 12 hours a day and doesn’t have a life. Not your date that ghosted. Or the one who started seeing someone else. Or the one whose cup of tea you just were not. Not that blogger who you just know has got to where they are through unjust means. The joy is stolen from you.

So it’s time to stop the comparisons. It’s time to centre yourself on your own path. It’s time to look at all the great things you are achieving at work, in relationships and in your other hobbies. It’s time to appreciate how far you’ve come and accept that you’ll go even further, in your own time, at your own pace.

Comparison resides amongst low self esteem and disbelief in yourself. Combat it by focusing on you and instead of being bitter about what others are achieving – celebrate them! Instead of resenting the person you really like because you’ve assumed they’re comparing you (when most likely they are not), relax and let them ACTUALLY tell you they think they can do better (then put them on Twitter blast).

Try to remember that building other people up to be better, doesn’t make you any worse. And next time the comparisons creep in, don’t ask, ‘what do they have that I don’t?’ Ask ‘What do I have now, that I didn’t have before?’ and ‘What am I still to get that I didn’t have before?’

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  1. February 23, 2017 / 9:48 am

    Great post. Comparing yourself to others is such a waste of time, but sadly we don’t realise this until a lot later down the road. I was guilty of doing the same for years on end and as you point out, you’re the only one who suffers, not the person or people you’re hung up on. We all have our strengths, so time to celebrate them instead of beating yourself up!

  2. February 23, 2017 / 12:30 pm

    Yes! I get all of this! I tried to explain this mentality to my boyfriend and he just didn’t really get it, I’m not sure if that’s a guys thing or a him thing, but I do think that girls are trained to compare themselves (negatively) way more

    – Natalie

  3. Lea
    February 23, 2017 / 1:11 pm

    Really like this post and loved reading through it. I think it’s just natural that we compare to each other, it’s just something that we’ve done since ever, but like you said it shouldn’t determine us.
    Lea, xx

  4. Katie
    February 24, 2017 / 1:02 pm

    Urgh Vix! You’ve done it again! Hit the nail on the head and got me screaming yes. I’m terrible for comparing myself but it never has once brought me any joy. Just, as you rightly said, bitterness. I will be making more of an effort to focus how I can change this-not out of spite but out of pride for myself.

  5. February 25, 2017 / 9:22 pm

    I love all of your posts, but this one really resonated with me! I’m always, always comparing myself to others – particularly when it comes to guys. I’m always thinking how much better other people are (even in blogging), and it really is horrible. Thank you for this, it was such a lovely read! Hopefully, I will be more mindful of what I say to myself, in the near future.

    -Alicia. x

  6. February 28, 2017 / 4:26 pm

    Another great and thought provoking post Vix. It really gave me an insight in different things and I just want to say that you are beautiful. I think guys compare themselves with other guys too, but on a different level and less intense, if that makes sense?

    Keep doing you pal!

  7. Megan
    March 2, 2017 / 8:31 pm

    Gosh, I needed to read this so much today. Thank you! I can go for weeks feeling awesome about myself then it only takes two seconds for comparison to kick in and for everything to flip reverse. I need to remember what I’ve done and how far I’ve come. You, my lady, are fucking awesome.

  8. March 24, 2017 / 4:47 pm

    You’re bloody brilliant Vix, you know that? So much of this post resonates so hard with me – I feel comparison has screwed me over royally over the past few years and I really need to knock it on the head. With a mallet.

    Nikki xx | Lovelaughslipstick ♥

  9. Aria A.
    April 30, 2017 / 4:51 pm

    This post really resonates with me! I’m glad I was able to come by your blog and read this post. I used to have a lot of self-doubt and compare myself with other people. I realized that it’s really unhealthy and doesn’t help improve one’s life. I remind myself everyday that everyone’s different–everyone’s dealing with a different challenge and everyone’s living a different life. It’s really important to be accepting of every fiber of our being. Thanks again for this post!

    Aria x