What If It Ends?

As I travelled on the coach to Manchester to see my friend Amy, with Liberty X playing through my headphones and my Alan Partridge book on my lap, I stared out of the window thinking about all of the things we had to catch up on. Amy is fascinated with my blog stuff and would want to hear about the magazine feature, the books, the MTV list, the events and all of the other exciting things happening at the moment.

At this moment of reflection, one thought crept into my head. What if it all ended? It’s a weird one to comprehend. Blogging has been around far longer than when I started mine in 2014 and will probably continue on for a long time, in some form.

Luckily, and without wanting to be boastful, people seem to be enjoying what I’m doing at the moment. Lots of you lovely lot comment, share, RT and support my various ventures. Well, you do at the moment.

But what if you get sick of my shit?

What if there’s only so many posts on blowjobs I can write? What if brands don’t want to work with me? What if my books never materialise? What if my dating events tank? What if I stop getting retweeted and people just generally stop engaging with me?

Where do I go and what do I do?

Genuinely, blogging has opened me up to a world of happiness I never knew possible. Maybe it’s the narcissist in me that enjoys people telling me they like me or what I produce. Something about me not getting enough attention as a child. Or maybe it’s that I get to spill out my stupid thoughts into a platform and get a kick out of the fact I’m not alone. A feeling I have always felt. Alone. Not in blogging. Maybe my happiness is derived from all of the amazing friends I’ve gained through blogging. Maybe it’s that I get a delivery of Krispy Kremes and Diet Coke to my work every now and then. Whatever the source of my happiness – blogging is the cause.

But what if it all ends?

I have a career offline. And friends. And I can buy stuff. And I’ll still date. And I’ll still go on Tinder even if I’m not #VixSwiping but there will, without a doubt, be a massive hole where blogging used to be.

Since the end of last year I’ve felt totally on the cusp of something good. Of an opportunity or a further success. But it hasn’t come yet. And perhaps the anxiety over it not happening ‘yet’ has made me worry it won’t happen ‘ever’.

However, I need to remind myself that I’m doing what I love. And I’m chatting to people who I love. If good things happen, then AMAZING. If they don’t, ah well. For someone who is deluded, like I am, that big things will happen in my life, that’s a hard pill to swallow BUT I can’t keep worrying about what will happen if it all ends because then I’ll stop being me and eventually it will.

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  1. Liv Woodward
    January 23, 2017 / 8:39 am

    I feel this so hard. I’m at the stage with blogging where I feel really confident in my abilities, I’m finally starting to grow a (minuscule but wonderful) following. I feel like I’m ready for the next step (AKA start doing sponsored posts) and I’m trying SO hard and genuinely think I’m improving. But I’m not where I want to be yet – so there’s this part of my brain that’s like ‘Well other people have managed it, so if you haven’t yet it means you won’t EVER’

    I do firmly believe that you will achieve all the things you want to with your blog. You really stand out and are unique, and that’s important in an over-saturated Bloggersphere I think.

    Liv // petticoatsandpatriarchy.com

  2. January 23, 2017 / 12:10 pm

    Whoa, I feel like this and my blog is nothing! Not so much the missing out on opportunities, more that the prospects ahead of the cusp don’t appear. I’ve been feeling “on the cusp” since I graduated because thinking that better things are ahead is the only way I get through bad days- thank you for articulating this. Also, again, well done on everything. Whatever success you get is well deserved!

    Ada x

  3. January 23, 2017 / 2:33 pm

    I think always feeling on the cusp is the key to keep pushing yourself further and harder and realising actually what you want. We can;t always predict what’s going to happen and how trends will change, but I hope for yours and my sake, nothing happens to vixmeldrew.com as I for one still love hearing about blowjobs! 😉 Alice xxx


  4. January 23, 2017 / 6:16 pm

    Your blog is fab and so different to the others out there that I can’t see you not doing well! You’re doing fab and it’s gonna keep getting better for you, you know it 🙂 x

  5. Tasneem
    January 26, 2017 / 12:26 am

    Hey Vix, please do not stop blogging because your words always put a smile on my face 🙂 You definitely have a knack for writing fabulous and funny posts and I really like the aesthetic design of your blog 🙂 XxX

  6. hellofalconer.com
    February 7, 2017 / 1:17 pm

    Nooooo, you’re the queen of British comedy, with honesty, insight and sweetness! Don’t doubt yourself queen.