I tweeted a couple of days ago about how overwhelming life is. It got over 100 retweets and 300 likes. From that, I assume I’m not alone in thinking that sometimes life is just too big. That sometimes, there’s just too much to think about. To achieve and to worry about.
When life is feeling too big, the easiest thing to do is to hole away. That’s what I’ve done the last couple of days. I gave up Blogmas and I gave up on life.
Where did this feeling come from? I don’t know. But it happened on Sunday. I’d had a relaxing weekend, spending time with special people, watching my favourite shows and not being anywhere near my phone or my blog. Then it came to about 4pm, it had gotten dark and I suddenly thought, ‘SHIT. I was supposed to take photos for a blog post with a huge brand.’ And I got into a shit spiral.
Suddenly, I questioned if my blog was making me happy. If I should give up. If I’d ever get any better. If I was missing out. If I’d fucked up a brand relationship for good and be Black listed. I wondered if this was what blogging with deadlines felt like and if the future I’d been hoping for was really what I wanted.
Then the spiral got bigger. I’ve spent the majority of this year in a constant state of drunkenness, sociableness and probably arousal. I thought I was happy. Suddenly I wasn’t. So I questioned what actually does make me happy. And I couldn’t figure it out. Suddenly it felt like nothing would ever make me happy. Suddenly it felt like I needed to sabotage everything I had going for me – my job, my blog, my friends, my relationships and my future because trying to live it and trying to strive for it was just too scary and hard.
Then the spiral got even bigger. Would I just be happier settling down, popping out a sprog and continuing in my current career? Or do I want to travel, write, try different experiences, expand my mind and do some good in the world? My heart wants the latter so frigging much but my brain tells my heart that all of those things are too frigging hard and I’m just not frigging good enough.
This week, when I’ve not been working, I’ve been inside my own brain trying to work out what it is I want, what life is and what makes me happy. And to escape from those huge, scary thoughts, I’ve been popping Ferrero Rocher like Valium and gorging on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Hunty, it hasn’t helped.
You know what else doesn’t help? This time of year. When everyone is looking forward to winding down and being looked after by their family, I’m wishing it all to go past quickly because it’ll be a sad and lonely time. I’ve said it before but losing a close loved one changes you. It forces you to not be ignorant to how short life is.
And that’s where I think the intimidation towards life comes from. I put so much pressure on myself to live life to the fullest. To not waste any time or energy on things that don’t make me happy. So when I feel naturally down because of grief or SAD then I hate myself for not being happy and not fulfilling life. And then I panic that life is going to pass me by.
I need to be kinder to myself. I need to relax and look after myself when things get too big. I need to take a break and understand that life won’t go away just because I take my foot off the pedal. I need to live life in any way I can so that nothing seems insurmountable and I need to set myself small goals and celebrate smaller achievements so that life doesn’t keep seeming too big.
I might be around over the Christmas period to get a couple of posts that have been hanging around, out. I might not. But if you guys can check in on me and keep me up to date with what’s going on with you guys, I’d love that!