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When life is too big

I tweeted a couple of days ago about how overwhelming life is. It got over 100 retweets and 300 likes. From that, I assume I’m not alone in thinking that sometimes life is just too big. That sometimes, there’s just too much to think about. To achieve and to worry about.

When life is feeling too big, the easiest thing to do is to hole away. That’s what I’ve done the last couple of days. I gave up Blogmas and I gave up on life.

Where did this feeling come from? I don’t know. But it happened on Sunday. I’d had a relaxing weekend, spending time with special people, watching my favourite shows and not being anywhere near my phone or my blog. Then it came to about 4pm, it had gotten dark and I suddenly thought, ‘SHIT. I was supposed to take photos for a blog post with a huge brand.’ And I got into a shit spiral.

Suddenly, I questioned if my blog was making me happy. If I should give up. If I’d ever get any better. If I was missing out. If I’d fucked up a brand relationship for good and be Black listed. I wondered if this was what blogging with deadlines felt like and if the future I’d been hoping for was really what I wanted.

Then the spiral got bigger. I’ve spent the majority of this year in a constant state of drunkenness, sociableness and probably arousal. I thought I was happy. Suddenly I wasn’t. So I questioned what actually does make me happy. And I couldn’t figure it out. Suddenly it felt like nothing would ever make me happy. Suddenly it felt like I needed to sabotage everything I had going for me – my job, my blog, my friends, my relationships and my future because trying to live it and trying to strive for it was just too scary and hard.

Then the spiral got even bigger. Would I just be happier settling down, popping out a sprog and continuing in my current career? Or do I want to travel, write, try different experiences, expand my mind and do some good in the world? My heart wants the latter so frigging much but my brain tells my heart that all of those things are too frigging hard and I’m just not frigging good enough.

This week, when I’ve not been working, I’ve been inside my own brain trying to work out what it is I want, what life is and what makes me happy. And to escape from those huge, scary thoughts, I’ve been popping Ferrero Rocher like Valium and gorging on Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Hunty, it hasn’t helped.

You know what else doesn’t help? This time of year. When everyone is looking forward to winding down and being looked after by their family, I’m wishing it all to go past quickly because it’ll be a sad and lonely time. I’ve said it before but losing a close loved one changes you. It forces you to not be ignorant to how short life is.

And that’s where I think the intimidation towards life comes from. I put so much pressure on myself to live life to the fullest. To not waste any time or energy on things that don’t make me happy. So when I feel naturally down because of grief or SAD then I hate myself for not being happy and not fulfilling life. And then I panic that life is going to pass me by.

I need to be kinder to myself. I need to relax and look after myself when things get too big. I need to take a break and understand that life won’t go away just because I take my foot off the pedal. I need to live life in any way I can so that nothing seems insurmountable and I need to set myself small goals and celebrate smaller achievements so that life doesn’t keep seeming too big.

I might be around over the Christmas period to get a couple of posts that have been hanging around, out. I might not. But if you guys can check in on me and keep me up to date with what’s going on with you guys, I’d love that!

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16 Comments
  • Hazel
    December 20, 2016

    Hi Vix sounds like you’re doing the right thing and taking time to reflect. You’re a brilliant writer and a successful one but that doesn’t mean you need to.work 2r/7 at being amazing. All your friends and followers will be and when you need them. Being alone shouldn’t mean being lonely though. If you want to chat to I’ll be around on line. Be gentle.on yourself x

  • Sarah
    December 20, 2016

    Vix, I really wish I could reach through my laptop to you and give you the biggest squeeze, and hopefully not dislocate my shoulders, but it’d be totally worth it because you totally sound like you’d appreciate a snuggle.
    I can relate to so much of what you’ve written; Christmas is so tough for both me and my bf, losing loved one has kind of taken the joy out of it for us.
    As for celebrating small victories, I don’t know if this will help but I often feel like I’ve not achieved anything in a day/week/month due to my bullshit body, so I keep a ‘done list’, and even on days when I’ve barely moved due to pain, I keep a record of, ‘made a drink’, ‘phoned brother’ type of thing because it just helps me feel slightly more accomplished and like I haven’t wasted a day.
    Anyway, I rambled so much. I’m always about if you need to chat and I’m a Skype or call away if you need a giggle.

    Sarah | sarahinwonderland.co.uk <3

  • Ellie
    December 20, 2016

    This post has come at just the right time for me. I’d booked this time off work to spend celebrating the christmas festivities with a partner who I ended up separating from about a month ago. On top of this, I came down with a throat infection/cold and then damaged my neck leaving me unable to leave the house for the best part of a week. I realise that in the grand scheme of what is going on in the world, this is incredibly minor. But the frustration, loneliness and worthlessness I was experiencing was completely overwhelming and I couldn’t even begin to explain how down I felt. I felt so down, so alone but also pathetic to think that the independent girl I once was, had a family that loved her but felt alone because I didn’t have a partner.

    Later that day, I went food shopping and as I walked through the shop, I was looking at people and wondering if they had ever felt like that before. To me, I felt like a freak, that I was clearly unstable to have such dark depressing thoughts and for them to come completely out of the blue in the way that they did.

    I think it’s easy to forget that EVERYONE has days where they feel completely overwhelmed. And that it is okay to not feel festive and not to look forward to the Christmas period.

    Whilst I am sorry to hear you have been feeling down, it is nice to know I am not alone in how I am feeling and by the sound of things, there are many others feeling the exact same way.

  • Leah Lander-Shafik
    December 21, 2016

    Vix, I’m usually a silent reader of your blog but I wanted to say that I understand this.. quite a lot actually… although at the moment I’m out the other side but I have been here.
    As I hurtle towards 40 (36 in 1 month!!!!!) The only thing I think is that that was the age my dad left us and it makes the short life you get so overwhelmed by even closer… but…it isn’t that life is short, it isn’t what you believe you have to do in your life to live it either, it’s about taking time for yourself to feel joy, pain, sadness and other emotions and enjoying your day.
    I can’t recommend thinking about today more. Not just living for today but giving it some thought.
    What made you happy today? what did you enjoy eating today? did you learn something new? Did you feel pretty?
    Don’t let short life consume you if you can, let your feelings do what they need to today and remember you have support from us. X

  • Alice
    December 21, 2016

    Love love love this – and nodded all the way through it. Thank you for sharing.
    Also, you look like a freaking goddess in this picture xxx

  • Kimberley Vassell
    December 21, 2016

    There’s a song by Billy Joel called ‘Vienna’, it might make you feel better 🙂

  • Helen
    December 21, 2016

    Merry Christmas Vix! I hope if nothing else you never ever ever stop blogging!

    Helen x

    http://www.blackbread.co.uk

  • Laura
    December 21, 2016

    This definitely hit home to me. I’ve been struggling with the darkness (and, well, life) a lot this year – hopefully next year will be a lot better! I’m definitely going to try and invest in one of those SAD lamps. 🙂

    Hope the holiday period isn’t too tough on you x

  • Erin
    December 21, 2016

    Hang in there! I’m missing a lot of loved ones, but I try to remind myself that the reason these holidays were created are to stave off the seasonal depression that comes with winter.

  • Amy
    December 22, 2016

    I could have written this post myself, it’s how I’ve been feeling about life lately. Whatever happens, hope you have a good Christmas and take time for you!

  • Laura
    December 23, 2016

    It’s posts like this that really give you a shift and put life in perspective! I hope you try to have a good Christmas and I’ll send a lil tweet to you on Christmas Day! Xx

    Laura x

  • last year's girl
    December 23, 2016

    Oh Vix, you do need to be kinder to yourself. Especially at this time of year. I won’t presume to know what you believe in but, just… I know she would want you to be safe, and secure, and content.

    The big celebrations are one thing, but while the world goes to sleep for a bit it’s also a good time to take stock, to figure out what you want and to go into the new year feeling refreshed and ready to kick ass again.

    I’ll be thinking of you.

    x

  • Jermaine Trotman
    December 23, 2016

    I know that feeling well. I also have low times when I think are my current choices worth it? Am I really doing the right thing? Weirdly I find a walk outside solves the problem. Getting up and moving just clicks and puts things into perspective for me as I realise all is not too bad. A good motivational video can also snap be back into shape and make me realise my choices are being made for a positive change in mine and other lives. I hope you find the special key to unlock your mind when you are feeling down.

  • Jay
    December 25, 2016

    By the time I was 28 all my immediate family had gone, only child of a young mum and an older dad with the irony that my mother died when I was 13, followed by the rest. Just some days I am capable at just existing, I’m introverted, so the my own solitude I think helps me. I’m not single and have great friends. I’ll be honest I’m not living life to the full,but you know what, I’m okay,and actually the sense of ‘okay’ is mighty fine by me x As you said time is short but as I’m now 45 and a little wiser and less hurt by the previous aspects of my life, so I say just be kind to yourself, happiness is fleeting as is at times those desolate moments are as well you know. I like what you write, you are refreshing and yes you are good enough. Take care.

  • Laura @ Me & Mr Jones
    December 26, 2016

    Yep! Felt a bit like this myself. Over the last couple of months I’ve been working flat out (10pm on a Friday is no time to be sitting in front of your work laptop), eating crap and doing nothing in the evenings/weekends. I had to give myself a bit of a telling off and although I’m still slopping about doing not very much, I am thinking about what I need to start doing to make myself better, to look after myself more and what really matters in life.

    I hope you’ve had a good Christmas and I’m truly excited to see how you get on being kinder to yourself in the new year!

  • Abi
    January 1, 2017

    I’ve had this recently. Life just got a bit too much and then I spiralled into a mess that left me feeling empty and hopeless and feeling that I had nowhere to turn to. My mind can sometimes be my worst enemy but I think it is important to look after yourself at this point, when you are feeling dark and troubled! x

    Abi | abistreetx

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